Sunday, February 24, 2013

Life Lessons From My Great Uncle Cletus

Dear Diary:

As we age, our life experiences increase. It's a natural part of getting older.  Now, I say getting older, and not necessarily becoming more mature, as maturity it seems is more a state of mind and sense of self and has zero to do with one's actual age.  I know 40 year-olds that act like children, and children that unfortunately act older than they are.  So I argue maturity and age are two different things.

But, if you live to be 97 like my great uncle Cletus, you surely have a plethora of life experiences.  You have witnessed things that some others simply cannot fathom, you know, like the Cubs winning the World Series. That is how old Cletus is.  Cletus has seen a lot of shit.  Oh wait, except the Cubs winning the World Series, because even he isn't that old and the Cubs fucking suck.

Now Cletus is one ornery sumbitch.  He may just be the least politically correct person I know, and that is saying a lot, because I do not necessarily hold back.  Actually, come to think of it, most of my family is not politically correct.  That's explains a lot.

Anyway, so, here are just some things that Cletus has said, or continues to say, that make us scratch our head or hold back from choking on whatever we are drinking:

- Never piss into the wind in an oncoming storm. You only end up smelling like piss and feeling like an idiot.

-If you stick your dick in a sewer, don't be shocked like a dumbass that it get's a little shit on it.

-Smoking is for pussies.  Chewing tobacco will put hair on a man's balls.

-If the Queen had balls she's be the King, but she don't, so she ain't.

-Fuck those La-Ti-Nos.  Seriously, fuck them. Best pussy on Earth!

-Just because you went to college doesn't mean you know shit.

-If you screw a crazy woman, be prepared to marry her. Or be prepared to move, to like an island so she can't find you.

-Marriage is the greatest institution on Earth, until it ain't.