Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It's Been A While

Dear Diary:

To start, I am not going to make an excuse that I have been so busy that I have not had time to write to you, because that is a flat out lie.  I have had plenty of time to write.  I have just had nothing to say.  And I am not sure if I have anything to say at this point.

As I type this, I am struggling to come up with words to describe my state of mind at the moment.  Frustrated would be one.  Confined would be another.  And yet hopeful would be one as well.

As I have written before, I am continually frustrated by my physical appearance.  And as a result, I have joined (once again) a weight loss plan/organization/support group.  I did this once before when I was married, and I would go with my then wife every week.  It was successful, and I lost sixty pounds.  And since then, through the result of me being lazy and making excuses, I have gained it all back. 

Now, the system has changed since I last took part in it, and what they are saying, based upon my calculations, is that I am able to eat three Burger King Whoppers, each day, and lose weight.  So, needless to say I am confused and it is affecting my motivation, because when things do not make sense to me, they frustrate the hell out of me.

I am also extremely annoyed by the fact that I am there, because part of it is a reminder of a past life, and a past partner, and some of the words that were said to me by said past partner that have still sting to this day, albeit less and less as time passes.  You see, we both lost weight, and then she was gone.  And even though I had lost sixty pounds, I was made to feel like I didn't do enough, or work hard enough.  I was told that it wasn't enough.  And regardless of whether or not she was deflecting guilt on to me because of an affair which I as well as others believe she had, that fucking hurt.

And let us be honest here for a moment.  No matter how much time passes after a failed relationship, there are always those couple of things that remind you of that person.  Sure, the pain may lessen over time, and while they may be gone from your heart, they are never really gone from your mind.

So, it is somewhat difficult to accept the fact that the thing you know deep down is the only thing that has been successful for you will also be somewhat of a constant reminder of your single greatest failure.  It is a contradiction to say the least.

And with that, I will be back when I have something else to say.