Tuesday, April 10, 2012

In Memoriam

Dear Diary,

While I was in the midst of my separation and divorce, which now seems like an eternity ago, I was able to come into contact with some very good people.  People with whom I was able to share the pain and frustration I was going through because they were facing the same reality.  Some I have remained close friends with, and others have drifted in and out of my life with the passage of time.

One such person, who came into my life at this time, lost her battle with breast cancer yesterday morning.

This woman, whose heart was as wide and open as the oceans are deep and vast, whose wit was as sharp as a blade crafted in the hottest fire, saw me at my lowest point.  She saw me go through a range of emotions in a matter of seconds, and yet she never judged me.  She was always there to offer a kind word, always willing to reach out and offer her support without reservations or conditions.  And she was always honest.

Like me, she was also going through a divorce, although unlike myself, she had children, three of them as a matter of fact.  It was during this period, when she was also going through her divorce, that she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I cannot begin to express the rage I felt towards the world when I became aware of this.  If I could have thought of something that was entirely unfair, this was it.  She was not much older than I am, maybe eight years or so, and for some reason I was never really able to process that, nor come to terms with it.

Even through her treatments, and the time in which she fought her battle, she would still reach out to many of us whose lives she touched, always offering a kind word, or something that would brighten our day, or make us laugh.  I wish one day that I can be as strong as she was, and as selfless as she was, but unfortunately, I do not think I will ever measure up to the standard she set.  And I feel an extreme sense of guilt that I was so consumed with my own life and rebuilding my own life, that I was not as good of a friend to her as she was to me.  For that, I will always be sorry, for I will never again be able to tell her face to face just how important she was to me.

I was able to write to her about a month ago, and I was able to tell her that she will always be remembered, and that her honesty was really important to me, and for that I was eternally grateful.  And she is being remembered, by countless others whose lives she touched.  The social network can attest to that right at this very moment.

And this is my testament to her.  Susan, I hope you are looking down upon us from wherever you are, with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, knowing you were loved and cherished, and that you indeed lived a full and meaningful life, even though it was cut drastically short.  Most of all, I hope you were able to find peace.

You will always be remembered.