Monday, December 10, 2012

And Just Like That...

Dear Diary:

I guess you could say that this entry is about five years in the making.  Actually, you could say a lot of things about what I am about to tell you.  You could pat me on the back and tell me that it will all be okay.  You could tell me that things will get better.  You could over analyze it and quite frankly cause me to slap you in the back of your head and which in turn would cause you to spew your beer all over your shirt (if it is made by Ed Hardy, you will thank me later).  But you can't really say anything until I tell you, so here it is.

The single most ironic thing about my job is the fact that it, the actual job, is the last remaining connection I have to my ex-wife.

For almost five years now, I have had to tolerate this fact because my divorce apparently coincided with the single worst fucking economy since the 1930s.  Lucky me.  This has made it increasingly difficult to find another job that would pay me close to what I make now so that I could afford to not only pay my mortgage, but not have to live off of tuna fish and Ramen.

In tolerating this inconvenient truth, I have taken business trips that have returned me to the place where I proposed.  I have driven by the places where we were happy.  I have seen people who were at my wedding.  I have been asked how my wife and family were doing, as people assumed that I was still married and at this time bouncing a baby on my knee.

But not too long ago I was told my office was closing and along with it, my job was disappearing. 

Now, I am having mixed emotions about this as you could probably imagine.  I mean, on the one hand, it sucks that I do not know how I am going to pay my bills in the near term.  But on the other, I am actually pretty fucking happy that I lost my job since I will never have to return to the place it all began.  Or at least it will not be decided without me making the decision that I will return there.

(This is where I tell you that I have been staring blankly at the screen trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into words for the past 15 minutes, just so that I could start typing and have something profound emerge from the depths of my soul or something, but it's not easy).

Granted, ideally I would have liked to make the decision about leaving my job rather than have someone else do it for me.  I would have liked that security in knowing that I would be starting something new already, rather than this feeling of unknown that I face.  But, as someone told me once, I am not the first person to lose my job, and I certainly won't be the last.

But I would also have liked to sever that final connection on my terms.  I wanted to have control over it, probably because as with so many other things concerning the end of my marriage, control was something of which I had very little.  But that was not to be the case in this instance, and for once, finally, I am completely at peace with that fact.

So now you may be thinking, "Well, if he is um, 'happy', about losing his job, then I tell him...?"

And this is where I tell you to please, spare me the condolences about being unemployed, because the first 200 people that I ran into already gave me enough sympathy.  I have nothing but new beginnings in front of me.  Nothing but new challenges.  Nothing but new opportunities.

Once again, I am starting over, and considering where I have been and what I have endured, this time, it is going to be easy.


Monday, November 19, 2012

It's coming

Dear Diary:

It's coming.  I don't know how else to say it, but it's coming.  When I figure out how to say it, I will.  It's complicated and ironic.  And it's coming.

Just sit tight until I figure it out.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It's Been A While

Dear Diary:

To start, I am not going to make an excuse that I have been so busy that I have not had time to write to you, because that is a flat out lie.  I have had plenty of time to write.  I have just had nothing to say.  And I am not sure if I have anything to say at this point.

As I type this, I am struggling to come up with words to describe my state of mind at the moment.  Frustrated would be one.  Confined would be another.  And yet hopeful would be one as well.

As I have written before, I am continually frustrated by my physical appearance.  And as a result, I have joined (once again) a weight loss plan/organization/support group.  I did this once before when I was married, and I would go with my then wife every week.  It was successful, and I lost sixty pounds.  And since then, through the result of me being lazy and making excuses, I have gained it all back. 

Now, the system has changed since I last took part in it, and what they are saying, based upon my calculations, is that I am able to eat three Burger King Whoppers, each day, and lose weight.  So, needless to say I am confused and it is affecting my motivation, because when things do not make sense to me, they frustrate the hell out of me.

I am also extremely annoyed by the fact that I am there, because part of it is a reminder of a past life, and a past partner, and some of the words that were said to me by said past partner that have still sting to this day, albeit less and less as time passes.  You see, we both lost weight, and then she was gone.  And even though I had lost sixty pounds, I was made to feel like I didn't do enough, or work hard enough.  I was told that it wasn't enough.  And regardless of whether or not she was deflecting guilt on to me because of an affair which I as well as others believe she had, that fucking hurt.

And let us be honest here for a moment.  No matter how much time passes after a failed relationship, there are always those couple of things that remind you of that person.  Sure, the pain may lessen over time, and while they may be gone from your heart, they are never really gone from your mind.

So, it is somewhat difficult to accept the fact that the thing you know deep down is the only thing that has been successful for you will also be somewhat of a constant reminder of your single greatest failure.  It is a contradiction to say the least.

And with that, I will be back when I have something else to say.  

Friday, May 25, 2012

Now This Is Just Some Confusing Shit

Dear Diary:

Hola! Long time no see. Yes, yes, I am still alive. No, no, I did not die in a car wreck or catch or develop a disease. No, no, my house did not burn down, nor was I carjacked at gunpoint by midget clowns (those evil bastards). What I have been doing is a whole lot of a whole lot, most of it including wine (I have too much, and yes, I never thought I was say that, and yes, there IS such a thing as too much, as in you find yourself with no where to put it and you cannot drink anymore). One thing I have been doing is contemplating whether or not I want to keep this little project up, and since I haven't come to a decision yet (and let's be honest, no one reads you anymore), I figure I would just get some shit out of my system.

Ok here goes. The following shit makes no sense to me:

 -People who wear sweaters in the summer. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's hot and humid. Same goes for corduroy pants or blazers. Idiots, the whole lot of them.

 -People who drive the speed limit in the passing lane. Now I have a long and storied history detailing the how much I hate these fucking people, and I still cannot understand how they are allowed to drive. Take a bus, you ass.

-People who are against abortion even in instances of rape, incest, or when the life of the mother is endangered. Seriously? How can one believe in a just God and then feel it to be "just" that a 16 year-old who gets raped by a family member and gets pregnant should be required to carry the baby to term? If there is a just God, then I do not think he would find that to be very just. Furthermore, if I had to choose between a spouse whose life is in danger if she had to deliver a baby, and the baby, I choose my spouse. And I do not think ANYONE should be able to make that choice for me, especially in law. (And no, I am not currently married)

-Vegetarians.  Yup, I cannot understand this bunch, and I have friends whom I love dearly who do not eat meat.  I have tried and tried and tried, and for the life of me, cannot understand someone who won't eat a burger.  Or a steak.  Or short ribs.  Or seafood.  Ever had lobster?  No?  You don't want to hurt its feelings?  Fuck you then, more for me.  And bacon?

-People who do not like bacon.  WHAT...THE...FUCK???  How do these people exist?  In the name of all that is good and holy, how can you NOT LIKE BACON?  It's salty fatty goodness makes the world go round.   Something is seriously wrong with you, and I think you need to see a doctor.

-People who are against gay marriage. Now let's be honest. If two guys or two girls want to get married, that has ZERO effect on a marriage between a man and a woman. And secondly, if you REALLY hate gays and lesbians, then you would WANT them to be married, in fact, you would mandate it, so that they can be as miserable as everyone else who ever said I do. (No marriage is perfect, trust me. Find me a woman that has never had one day during her marriage when she wanted to murder her husband, and I will show you a character in a movie). Gay marriage does not threaten the sanctity of marriage whatsoever.  If you want to protect the sanctity of marriage, ban divorce.  Well, ban it now.  Don't retroactively ban it, cause then my life would SUCK!

-Why the Red Sox suck this year.  I can't even watch them anymore, but thankfully, the DMV is now home to some of the best baseball in the city.

-People who think that there should not be laws banning discrimination, as in "Whites Only".  I almost shit a brick when I read this as a status on Facebook.  In fact, I am surprised that I do not have a permanent scar on my forehead from banging my head against a wall.  Seriously?  It had to be the single dumbest thing that I have ever seen or heard. Well, except for...

-Justin Beiber. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

In Memoriam

Dear Diary,

While I was in the midst of my separation and divorce, which now seems like an eternity ago, I was able to come into contact with some very good people.  People with whom I was able to share the pain and frustration I was going through because they were facing the same reality.  Some I have remained close friends with, and others have drifted in and out of my life with the passage of time.

One such person, who came into my life at this time, lost her battle with breast cancer yesterday morning.

This woman, whose heart was as wide and open as the oceans are deep and vast, whose wit was as sharp as a blade crafted in the hottest fire, saw me at my lowest point.  She saw me go through a range of emotions in a matter of seconds, and yet she never judged me.  She was always there to offer a kind word, always willing to reach out and offer her support without reservations or conditions.  And she was always honest.

Like me, she was also going through a divorce, although unlike myself, she had children, three of them as a matter of fact.  It was during this period, when she was also going through her divorce, that she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I cannot begin to express the rage I felt towards the world when I became aware of this.  If I could have thought of something that was entirely unfair, this was it.  She was not much older than I am, maybe eight years or so, and for some reason I was never really able to process that, nor come to terms with it.

Even through her treatments, and the time in which she fought her battle, she would still reach out to many of us whose lives she touched, always offering a kind word, or something that would brighten our day, or make us laugh.  I wish one day that I can be as strong as she was, and as selfless as she was, but unfortunately, I do not think I will ever measure up to the standard she set.  And I feel an extreme sense of guilt that I was so consumed with my own life and rebuilding my own life, that I was not as good of a friend to her as she was to me.  For that, I will always be sorry, for I will never again be able to tell her face to face just how important she was to me.

I was able to write to her about a month ago, and I was able to tell her that she will always be remembered, and that her honesty was really important to me, and for that I was eternally grateful.  And she is being remembered, by countless others whose lives she touched.  The social network can attest to that right at this very moment.

And this is my testament to her.  Susan, I hope you are looking down upon us from wherever you are, with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, knowing you were loved and cherished, and that you indeed lived a full and meaningful life, even though it was cut drastically short.  Most of all, I hope you were able to find peace.

You will always be remembered.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Trapped By My Own Creation

Dear Diary:

This Diary, blog, great big pile of mindless shit, or whatever you want to call it, for the first time, seems confining. Maybe it is the title that itself traps me into some sort of self-imposed identity.

Lately, I just haven't felt the urge, the need, or the desire to say much here. Why would I? My life is going pretty well at the moment, well at least my personal life. I am seeing a great girl, and things are going really well. Whether we go out or stay in, I am just happy to spend time with her.

Health wise, I am eating better, and slowly working my way back to the gym. I would be a full blown gym addict at the moment but a bad case of asthma and a head cold have kept me from working out like a mad man. If you think that sounds like an excuse, try working out when you can barely breathe. It's not exactly something I would recommend.

But anyway, back to this whole trapped thing. I guess when I started this project, I needed an outlet to vent frustrations, or just bullshit, and for a time, it was the only outlet that I had. But not so much anymore. So I find myself at a crossroads.

You see, I don't really identify myself solely as a divorced guy anymore. Not that I ever really did in a larger context, but more so in this particular space. So, what do I write about? I am tired of talking about divorce, dating, relationships, etc. You would be too after so many years of doing it. And as far as talking here about the girl I am with, well, that just won't really happen. Sorry to burst ya'lls bubble on that one. (and that is how you spell ya'lls, spell check can suck it)

So, for the time being, I probably will not be writing as much, but I will still check in from time to time. I mean, I live in DC, there is a lot of shit to do, places to see, places to drink, and places to eat, so if something in particular strikes me as worth doing again, maybe I will write about it. But I really don't know where to go from here at the moment. I mean, I could shut this down, but it's my story, all of it, the good and the bad. So that won't happen.

One of the things about having a blog is that sometimes you feel as though you need to keep updating it. It becomes sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, if that makes any sense. But to me, it was never that, or at least it never felt like that.

But now, it's just different, and I don't know what I ultimately want to do with it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

On Relationships In The Age Of Social Media

Dear Diary:

I have been trying to figure out a way to write about this particular topic, but it hasn't been until recently that I have been in a situation where it would relevant to me. And just so you know, right now I am just typing shit because I am suffering from a major brain fart and completely lost my train of thought, so give me a minute. Just writing something random helps me get back on track as opposed to just staring at a screen with drool coming out of my mouth.

Anyway, in my previous entry I mentioned that I am seeing someone, and well, yes, it's true. I have been seeing this particular woman for a little while now. So things in this particular area of my life are moving in a positive, forward direction.

But it got me to thinking. With the explosion of social media, when should a couple become official on the interwebs? Or is it even necessary that it happen? Or should it even happen at all?

Now, there is a general danger with social media that I find oftentimes goes unnoticed, and that is feeling of validation and false sense of self-worth that it can provide from strangers.

Another thing that I find absolutely repulsive is when a couple are all mushy on social networks. I mean please, get a room, send an email, private message, whatever you want to call it, and leave the rest of us out of it. I do not want to read your fucking baby talk, and neither does anyone else. It isn't cute. It makes you look retarded. I tend to think people who do this are seeking validation, and/or bragging to try to make themselves feel better. But they only look pathetic in my opinion.

So, when a couple start becoming exclusive, is there some unwritten rule that there is a certain amount of time in which they must follow/friend each other? Then do they just come right out and announce they are in a relationship with a particular person? Or is there a slow easing into it? Is there a timeline? Has someone written a manual? Where is "Relationship Protocol on Social Networks for Dummies" when you need it?

Or is it even necessary that it be announced to the world that you are in a relationship with a particular someone? I guess whether or not it is necessary is dependent on talking it over with your significant other. I have a feeling no one wants to prematurely jump the gun on that one, because well, that could be a bit awkward. I also have a feeling that if one person wants to do it, the other person will follow/allow/compromise/insert whichever verb you want here.

But should it happen at all? Now, this is just my opinion, but if you are announcing it to the world because you want the world to know, then that smacks as seeking validation, so no, I don't think you should. But, if you are announcing it to the world because you are proud of the fact you are with someone whom you think is special, then by all means, be proud of it.

Just keep the pillow talk on the pillow.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Resolved

Dear Diary:

Usually, right around this time I would write two entries that would A) look back on the year, and B) look back on the year to come. This year though, I am not going to do that.

I don't know if the lack of motivation has more to do with the fact that I do not want to some how, at the end of the year, feel like a failure, or whether or not something else has changed where I feel like I no longer need the motivation to take a very long view.

I only made two resolutions this year, and one has been one that has not changed each year: get my fat ass in shape. But now I no longer feel the need to write about it. Rather than rush in like so many people do after the New Year and head to the gym and work out hard for a week and get burnt out, I am taking baby steps. First, what I put into my body is more important than any amount of exercise, so now I am in the process of overhauling my nutrition. When that is done, I will hit the gym.

I am doing it this way because honestly, working out has never been an issue for me. When I am at the gym, I am as methodical as a surgeon. However, I have never been methodical when it comes to what I eat. I will go five days of eating clean, and then over the weekend drink a lot, and eat like 20,000 calories worth of garbage. No amount of exercise can fix that amount of damage over a sustained period of time. Also, the timing of when I eat got completely screwed up over the holidays, so I am working on getting that back under control. Like I said, baby steps.

And I am not doing this for anyone but myself. Not my family, not the girl I am now seeing, not for my professional career, not for anything or anyone but myself.

The second thing I resolved to do was not die. I mean really, if I accomplish this one, everything else is fucking gravy baby.