Saturday, October 22, 2011

Etiquette For Dating A Divorced Person

Dear Diary:

*This is in no way directed towards anyone in particular, but just a general observation based upon past experiences*

When dating a divorced person, there is a certain rule, or rather thing, that one who has not been divorced should not do, particularly if you have not been dating for a long period of time.

For starters, it is perfectly ok, and perfectly acceptable for one to ask about the divorce. Personally, I always tell the women I date that it is fine with me for them to ask whatever questions they may have, and I am honest with my answers. If I am interested in someone, and things are going well, being completely honest about my divorce is a definite. My general answer at this point is that it just didn't work out.

If someone wants to know more, that is fine. However, remember that asking if there was any infidelity can have negative consequences, particularly if the divorced person was the one that was left while they ex was out fucking some strange.

However, once learning that the person your dating is divorced, the main rule to live by is never, ever, say anything negative about the divorce in order to try to make yourself feel better.

If you are dating someone who is divorced, and they are no longer interested, for whatever reason (you are boring, boorish, bad in bed, overbearing, bat shit crazy, etc., etc.) the ONE FUCKING RULE you should remember is NEVER, EVER FUCKING EVER, say something like:

"Well, your ex didn't give you another chance, so I thought you would be more compassionate and understanding."

Yeah, that is only going to have on reaction, most likely ending in a "Fuck You."

Just passing on some knowledge folks.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

When Worlds Collide

Dear Diary:

Well, that speechless moment lasted long, didn't it? Now, here are a couple of thoughts.

I do not consider myself a blogger. I just use this tool to get things off my chest because A) I am better at writing than speaking sometimes, and B) I can't afford to pay someone to listen to me bitch. But, since I have a blog, and well, blog, then I guess I am a blogger. Kinda sorta maybe.

Now, there are several bloggers in the DC area. Some guys, some girls. Some have something to say. Some don't. Some are thought provoking. Some need to learn how to use the English language. But I digress.

But what happens when the dating service of your choosing matches you with a blogger? What happens when you actually follow the blogger you are matched with? Or what happens when you go out a couple of times with someone else who uses this tool?

Yes, this has all happened to me.

Not with good results.

So, here are a couple of thoughts:

When you go out, and are not dating, but have made out, even spent the night together (no sex, I swear), there should be some sort of bottom line level of decency. What should not happen is that when one gets sick, like with bronchitis or something, and feels as though he (gave it away didn't I) was hit by a bus, that one has to read about how the girl he was hanging out with is suddenly madly in love/lust with someone else, especially after such a short time from aforementioned sleep over. Not really cool. There has to be some leeway given is someone is sick. You don't just hop in bed with the next guy and leave another hanging. And if you do, give them a heads up before you fucking write about it. And gloat about it. Because it only gives the one left hanging a sick pleasure when he (gave it away again, oops) reads that the one you were so into drops your ass. I admit, I smiled. For a while.

But, that is not the worst part about having worlds collide. Say your dating service matches you with a blogger you are aware of. Hell, you have even seen this blogger in person, but have never actually met. You know who she is though. You think she is funny, articulate, intelligent, kind, and fun. You even think she is cute.

So, when you get matched, you smile a bit. It came out of left field, but you are generally pleased that it happened. So, you send her a message, to try to strike up a conversation. This person doesn't know you read their blog, and doesn't know you know who she is (or at least, you know a little bit about her already), because you keep your blog extremely anonymous. She does follow your blog though, so you hope she responds, but are also aware that she is probably a hot commodity, and gets pummeled with messages everyday.

And then, very shortly after you send her a note, she responds.

By closing you out and removing you from her matches. And it isn't the shutting you down that hurts, but its how fast it was done. Like ten minutes fast.

And you feel a little worthless. You wonder how someone could make such a snap judgment about you to deem you so unworthy. You wonder what it was on your dating profile that turned them off. And then you wonder if your pictures make you look ugly. You wonder if you are ugly. And you feel ugly. And unwanted. And you wonder if you are ever going to be with someone whom to you, is beautiful.

And then you wonder if in a year from now, you are going to be reading her blog, and if in a year from now, she is still going to be single. And then you laugh, albeit not much. And you laugh about her writing how all the good ones are taken.

Lady, I'm fucking awesome. You should have opened your eyes.

Speechless

Dear Diary,

I have nothing to say at the moment. If you want to know something in particular, ask, otherwise, I will be back when I have something to say.

Sincerely,

Me

Sunday, October 2, 2011

You Must Be Kidding....

Dear Diary,

There is a little known thing that us bloggers use, and it something that we use for our own protection/amusement. What I am talking about is a code that allows us to keep track of our blog statistics, for instance, to see how many particular page hits we receive during a day, week, or month. If something is really profound (and let's be honest, not much is these days in my neck of the woods), we can see how many people read us that day, and what directed them to us.

So, wouldn't you know that I went to check said service to see what was going on, and holy mother of a goat fucker, some of the shit I saw blew my mind.

Let's just say that when someone in Libya, as well as Pakistan, did a web search for fucking fat babies, and they were directed to the post where I complained about being sick.

Someone else searched for mouth fucking, and low and behold, they were directed to my site when I wrote about my dental issues, and they were from TN. Shocking right? Maybe the person was a hillbilly sheep fucker.

Then there was the person in Sri Lanka who wanted to search for divorced guys fucking neighbors, and well, since the title of my blog has "divorced guy" in it, guess where they wind up.

Fat fucking? Yup, guess where they end up. Big heavy men fucking? Guess where in the great and wonderful interwebs they land. Fat man screwing babies? Big fat fucking? Mythical creatures fucking? Wouldn't you know that someone thought it would be funny to direct them to little ole' me.

So, if I guess if I write sheep fucking goat sucking fat whore cum slut anal whore sub fucking gaping facial tranny sucker that should really drive up my traffic, right?

Sweet baby Jesus. The interwebs. Gotta love it.