Friday, August 26, 2011

Jumping Back In

Dear Diary:

So, um, yeah, I think I joined a dating site.  I mean, I remember paying for a subscription.  So yeah, I guess I did.  Back into the old swing of things I guess.

"But you don't sound so enthused about it!"  That's probably what you are thinking.

Well, I am writing write now on pain killers and drinking vodka (don't lecture me), so I am not that emotional at the moment.

What I can say is the following:

-I am looking forward to dating again.  I enjoy it.  And let's face it, I am not getting any younger.

-Rather than sign up for a long ass period of time, I just did something short and manageable, so that I can get out of it if I so choose after a reasonable amount of time.

-The summer is ending, and fall is approaching.  What else is there really to do in this fucking city during the fall and winter other than date?  It is like they are the two seasons custom built for dating.

-I am going to be someone of an unyielding prick insofar as I am not going to let dating dictate my life, my mood, or my schedule.  I did that before, and it was hazardous to my health.  Rather than build a schedule around dating, I am going to build dates into my schedule.  It sounds similar, but it isn't, and there really is a huge difference.

So I know what you are thinking ladies (and yes, I am well aware that the vast majority of my readership has a vagina), and let me stop you before you think I am a prick.  Would you rather me continue to be who I am and let you get to know me, or would you rather me be who you want me to be?  Would you rather me fit snugly into your little box (mind, exit gutter stage left!) or would you rather see if we can build a new one on our own?  I will make time for you, but I will not put everything on hold for you, at least not at this time.

It's not that I do not want to be accommodating in certain respects, but I really do want to be able to stop worrying about whether or not I am going to be liked for who I am. 

So, I hope you will indulge me while I try this whole dating game again, and with a bit of a twist.

And well, if you think I am an egotistical jerk who needs to me more flexible, well, I was flexible already.

This time, I am calling more of the shots.  It's my life, and it's my heart.

But like I said, pain killers and vodka.  This may all be making sense in my head right now, and tomorrow, I may look at it and feel like a fucking asshole.  But, not to self, I will not delete it.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I See You

Dear Diary:

This afternoon I had the pleasure of getting my other two wisdom teeth removed, with just local anesthesia I might add (cause I'm a muthafuckin' badass ), and then had the even greater pleasure of sitting in traffic for about 90 minutes while I drove home. So, you are going to have to forgive me if I am not in a mood to expound upon life's great questions and philosophize and the important things in the world, like beer, boobs, and dick and fart jokes.

So until this whole thing wears off....


I'll be watching

Ok, maybe that sounds a little creepy, but I blame Vicodin.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Have To Write About The Earthquake Because Everyone Else On The East Coast Is And I Want To Fit In

Dear Diary:

I survived Snowmadeggon. And now I can say I survived an earthquake.

When the earthquake happened, I was standing at a urinal. Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to have the ground shake beneath your feet the second you grab your dick? No? It's weird. I can tell you that. Also slightly amusing.

The other thing that is weird and also slightly amusing is some of the bullshit that some right wing Bible thumping nutbags are saying. I will paraphrase just some of the bullshit that is coming across the interwebs.

"Earthquake happened cause of gay marriage and God hates us"

"God hates Obama and the Democrats and gave us an earthquake"

"God hates government and sent an earthquake to shake up the system"

Blah blah blah.

You know what you never see though? You never see those same people say God shipped their jobs overseas while the corporations that shitcanned them are making record profits. You never see them say that God has kept them unemployed or underemployed. You never see them say God is the reason why almost 50% of heterosexual marriages end in divorce either.

God did not make the East Coast shake. It's geology stupid. Read a book.

Now bring on the hurricane!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 10

Dear Diary:

Q: what's the most entertaining thing you've done in the past month?

A: Nothing. Nothing at all.

My life is pretty mundane and routine. I wake up. I go to the gym. I come home and make breakfast. I go to work. I go to the gym. I come home and have a protein shake*.

I go to sleep. I wake up.....

You get my point.

Now, there are a few things on the horizon that I can tell you about, and some that I cannot tell you about. The things I cannot tell you about have to do with something that I do not want to give away just yet, but let's say that if it works out, then I am going to be happier than a sailor at at hooker convention.

As far as the things that I can tell you about, well, let's see. I am going to see Foo Fighters when they come to town in November, and have pretty damn good seats. BB is coming to visit sometime in the fall and since I haven't seen her in well over a year, I am really looking forward to it. I am getting my last two wisdom teeth pulled, so Vicodin induced constipation is sure to follow.

That is one side affect they never tell you about. Some people are like, "woohoo, painkillers!!!" Not this guy. I just wish the those prescribing them would be honest. Maybe say something like, "Now take 1-2 of these every four hours, or when you feel pain. And by the way, you may want to buy some laxatives, otherwise your asshole will feel like someone is driving a Mac truck out of it at 85 miles per hour. But the Vicodin should help with that pain too."

But the last month or so? Nope, nada.


*Protein Shake:

Nectar Fuzzy Naval flavored Whey Protein Isolate
1/2 cup non-fat plain Greek yogurt
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup frozen mangoes

Put it in a blender, and well, blend. And enjoy. That is the basic recipe. You can mix it up some.

Friday, August 19, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 9

Dear Diary:

Q:What's one of your favorite memories? (could be anything)

I'm interested in this guy who is going through everything you went through- near identical story. Is it worth sticking around to see if it could work between us after the papers are officially signed? Or am I just wasting time? I don't think he's ready to date, but I know he will be amazing when he *is* ready. Thoughts?

What do guys really look for in a girl?

What's annoying you the most right now?

A: Well I guess this entry is going to be pretty fucking long then, right?

And we're off!

What's one of your favorite memories? (could be anything)

As far as memories go, I will give you two. First would be waking up early at my grandparents' (mom's side) house early in the morning and finding my grandfather making honey roasted peanuts in a skillet. He was a remarkable human being really, and even as a kid, I loved having time with him all to myself. He would make me breakfast, sometimes canned asparagus on toast, and then we would go swimming in the pool in the backyard. Other times he would take my brother and I fishing. He died in 1986, and there are still times when I wish I could just talk to him.

Second one would be playing cards with my grandmother (dad's side). She had this laugh which was more of a giggle but it was priceless. When we would go over to her house, she would basically empty the fridge onto her kitchen table, and we would pick at stuff all day. She died when I was in college, and I think it is a good thing that she didn't see me go through a divorce because it would have broken he heart.

I'm interested in this guy who is going through everything you went through- near identical story. Is it worth sticking around to see if it could work between us after the papers are officially signed? Or am I just wasting time? I don't think he's ready to date, but I know he will be amazing when he *is* ready. Thoughts?

I don't know what to say other than the guy he is now will be different than the guy he becomes as the divorce progresses. Also, you don't know when the emotional scars will be healed sufficiently enough, so you don't know when he is READY to date. The question you should ask yourself is do you want to wait it out, knowing that you don't know when he will be ready. Sorry, but I cannot answer this for you, but I can be thankful women like you exist, and by that I mean women who recognize divorce does not mean damaged.

What do guys really look for in a girl?

I know what I look for in a girl, but I do not know what other guys look for. There really is no one set of criteria. Personally speaking, I like intelligence, curiosity, compassion, humility, honesty and a laid back attitude where she is as comfortable in a black dress as she is in jeans and a t-shirt. Sense of humor is also on the list. Nice legs and a cute ass wouldn't hurt either. But if she has eyes that I could get lost in, then all bets are off.

What's annoying you the most right now?

That I have to wait until next year for another season of Mad Men. I finished the first 4 seasons on Netflix in like a week. The show is that addicting. Well, that and my diet, which I haven't fine tuned enough.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 8

Dear Diary:

Q: How big's your...nevermind. ;)

(Being tacky, as ususal.)

A: And now for the answer that you have all been waiting for!!! (well, if you are a woman, or hell, a guy, nothing wrong with that)

My dick. How big is it? Well, let's see. It's really impossible to measure unless you are using an electron microscope. Seriously. I'm hung like a gerbil.

You can stop drooling now and thinking of me as some hung sex god.

Ha, sorry I killed your dreams.

But seriously.....



Tuesday, August 16, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 7

Dear Diary:

Q: I think marriage is great for those who believe in it, but do you think it is more than a ring and a dress? I think I can have a meaningful relationship and totally plan to spend the rest of my life with my guy, but without the ceremony. Thoughts?

A: Yes, it is more than a ring and a dress, or in my case, it is more than a ring and a suit or tuxedo.

First, I would suggest that you are equating marriage with just the ceremony. And while the ceremony an subsequent booze filled reception with one crazy family member making an ass out of his or her self and the random bridesmaid that gets her face painted in the bathroom while the cake is being passed around is definitely enjoyable, marriage is much more than the ceremony.

For instance, one can either have a ceremony or not. You can do the whole big wedding that costs upwards of $35,000, or you can elope, or you can just go down to the courthouse and get it done in less than an hour and go home and eat a bucket of chicken. But the ceremony, to me really, is about sharing and celebrating your love for your significant other and making a commitment to each other in front of the people you care about the most (well, except for your colleagues that you feel obligated to invite and you just hope they give you cash and don't cause damage where you lose your security deposit).

My ceremony was on a beach, with about 15 people in attendance, with a dinner for all of us following the taking of pictures. Then we all went to a bar. It was simple, yet it was perfect. My actual wedding, including honeymoon, cost me less than my divorce, so a wedding isn't about how much you spend, but who you spend it with. And honestly, to date, I have never felt such simple and pure joy than I did on that day.

As far as the ring, you do not know how much it means to you until you have to take it off. A ring is circular, and therefore infinite. It is a simple symbol for eternity. And to me, my ring wasn't just a ring.

Now, as far as actually being married as opposed to being in a committed relationship, well, marriage is just different, and it is better. It's hard to explain why it is better, because it is different for each individual couple, but it is just better. And you don't know that it is better until you say, "I do." Now I am just making a generalization. Obviously some marriages are complete shit shows, but that has more to do with the individual couple.

I would say the advantage of not being married is that when it ends, the pain can be quick and it can be over quickly. Divorce can drag on and extend the pain, which for me, makes divorce much worse than just breaking up with someone. Divorce can turn into an endurance test of will. And for some, it can take longer than you expect for you to be able to get over it.

Not that I would know anything about that though...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 6

Dear Diary:

Q: Do you have ANY desire to marry again?

A: Yes.

Ok. Now I know that I can't just leave you hanging with a one word answer, but there is really no simpler way to put it. I do in fact have a desire to marry again.

The larger question is, "Who?"

I want to marry someone who gets me. I want to marry someone who knows that even though I am quiet by nature, it doesn't mean I am uninterested. But most importantly, I want to marry someone who doesn't hold a double standard.

For instance. My ex-wife used to go visit her college friends, and when she did, money was not an issue. I was fine with he traveling since I knew how important those people were to her. She only had to pay for a plane ticket and meals and entertainment, and would go a couple times a year.

However, when i wanted to visit my best friend for his college graduation, knowing that he was married with two children living in a small place and barely getting by, the fact that not only would I be paying for airfare, but hotel and rental car as well, became a financial issue.

Homie don't play dat.

So, I want to marry someone who gives me as much freedom as I do her. I want to marry someone who looks at me and is as proud of me as I am of her.

Short answer is still yes. Longer answer is that I just have not met he yet. But I hope she looks good in jeans and a t-shirt.

Friday, August 5, 2011

You Asked, I Answered, Part 5

Dear Diary:

Q:Do you want to stay in DC? What are your favorite/least favorite parts about living here?

A:

What? Are you fucking kidding me? Hell no I do not want to stay in this rat infested city. And I am not talking about rodents.

I mean, would you want to live in a city without it's own signature sandwich? Me either.

But more seriously, I do not want to stay in a city that does not afford me an equal voice in our government. I do not want to stay in a city that thinks it has to elect a mayor because he is "black enough" even though he is fucking incompetent. And I do not want to stay in a city that settles for mediocrity because it doesn't want to fucking get shit done.

Now, staying in the area is a much different question, as I generally like the DMV. It has made me quite a bit of money, and I have really good friends here. I can see myself living in NOVA, or even MD, but for the long haul, I will not live in DC. Fuck that shit.

Now, I own a house that I can rent for the mortgage, so I never have to sell it if I do not want to. And I have a decent amount of equity in it, so I do have options if I want to get the fuck out of here.

As for my favorite things about the city, there really is only one thing, and that is the way the city is comprised of various different neighborhoods each with their own distinct feel. Unfortunately, the neighborhood I live in has been infested with hipsters, and it takes every ounce of energy not to push half those fuckers in front of a moving bus.

As far as the thing I like least about this city, that is simple. It's DC itself. Some think it is a black city. It isn't a black city. It isn't a white city. This is the capital of the free world. It has no ethnicity. And people who live here shouldn't pick leaders who evoke a certain cultural, shit, what is the word, ethos (?) just so they think they "get them." Fuck that.

Take Mayor Gray for instance. Why did he win? Because he was "blacker" than Mayor Fenty? Look what that got us. Nothing getting done except people getting investigated, and one scandal after another. I would much rather have people who are willing to piss people off and get shit done than pander and get nothing done, and that is not a racial thing. I just want shit to get done. Otherwise, give me my property taxes back. Unfortunately, the history of the so called leaders of this city doing nothing but serving their own self interest has done nothing but breed a culture of mediocrity in this town. Fuck that.

This is the capital of the United States of America. This is the capital of the free world. People need to actually take some pride in this town and start acting like it.

(And I am on my second beer since of the day, and it about 12:30. It's going to be a long day.)