Thursday, May 26, 2011

We All Do It

Dear Diary:

We all do it.

All of us who use this form of expression do it.

We wonder.

We wonder who the hell is bored enough to read our stories. We wonder if we are entertaining. We wonder if they get us. We wonder if they want us. We wonder if behind a screen in some far off land, there is someone who is nodding their head as they read our words.

We all do it. Don't deny it. If you are thinking, "nope, not me" then you are a fucking liar. It's like a guy that says he doesn't jerk off. Bold face liar.

We wonder about where they are from. We wonder if they have lives like us. If they do things we do. We wonder what they look like, and wonder if they would be fun to actually talk to. We wonder if they like to drink. What they like to eat. Where they eat. We wonder if they have a 9 to 5 job. We wonder if they hate their job as much as we hate ours.

We wonder if those special ones have found us. The ones that we have written about that we tried to keep anonymous. We wonder if somehow they stumbled upon us. We wonder if they were shocked, or if they were angry, but mostly we wonder if they understood. We wonder if they will reach out to see how we are doing.

And for some of those special ones, we wonder if they wonder about us too.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

R.I.P.

Dear Diary:

So I got a phone call that a member of the family had passed away Friday night after finally succumbing to leukemia.

You are probably thinking I am heartbroken over this. Sorry, I am not.

Let me give you a little background on mi familia.

My dad is one of four kids. When I say that everyone in my family has been divorced, I am referring to his side of the family. This is the side of the family I share my name with. This is the side of the family that I am closest too. This is the side of the family that I really grew up with, that is, when we were actually around each other because my parents decided to be the ones to move away from their hometown. Everyone else stayed within a few hours driving distance.

My mom is an only child. Her dad, the only grandfather I ever knew (he was a the coolest guy on the planet and I still miss him every now and then, even though he has been dead about 20 years), was also an only child. Her mother however was one of eight. Of those eight, each had about three kids. And each of the kids had about three kids, and I am like the fourth oldest of this generation (the great-grandchildren). So my mom has a huge family. I lost count once the great-grandchildren started popping out babies.

Other than my grandparents, and maybe a dozen or so of this gigantic brood, I never really saw many of them. And I am not close to them, other than a few, and close is a relative term at this point. I cannot tell you even the last time I had a conversation with one of them. They do not call, and neither do I. I couldn't pick half of them out of a line-up if you paid me.

So when I get a phone call that a great-aunt, whom I have seen maybe twenty times over the course of my life, has passed away, I don't really have a sad reaction. I am sympathetic, but other than that, I really do not even know how I am supposed to react to such news. I can offer my condolences, but other than that, what am I supposed to do?

I think my mom was expecting me to have some sort of bigger sense of loss, but I really do not. How can you feel a sense of loss towards something that you barely knew? This woman's death does not, and would not, affect me to the extent that losing someone on my dad's side of the family would.

So, I will now basically just go through the motions, and do what is expected of me as a member of the family, but other than that, I am not doing much. And I don't know if that is fucked up or not at this point.

Friday, May 6, 2011

You Asked...(Well At Least One Of You Had the Balls To)

Dear Diary:

When was the first moment in the aftermath when you thought about the past without a huge jolt of emotion? The first time the ex-marriage was a part of your history instead of a trauma?

I have been waiting for a while to figure out how best to answer this, because well it is not easy to answer. Not at all really. In fact, it is pretty fucking complicated if you ask me.

I can tell you that the first moment in the aftermath of my divorce that I thought about the past as nothing more than the past, without a huge jolt of emotion, was the day I sold my wedding ring. I think that is because of the fact that the moment was so surreal. Maybe like it almost wasn't happening? But it also brought some sense of closure and finality to the relationship, not just the ordeal of the divorce itself.

Now, I say that this is a complicated question to answer because the first moment that I looked back without a huge jolt of emotion did not signal some gigantic turning point where I no longer looked back on the end of my relationship without a jolt of emotion. Anyone who thinks they can out-wit, out-think, out-reason, emotion is well, delusional. Emotions are what they are, and they can, and will, completely fuck with you when you least expect it.

So, I do not measure any amount of progress in the emotional healing aspect of a post-divorce existence. There are good days. There are bad days. There are weird days. And then there are days that are just days. I think the larger goal is just to have more good days than bad days. And I would say that is the larger goal because most people, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship want to have more good days than bad days. So, the goal in a way, is just to be, and feel, normal.

Now, there are speed bumps along the way that come up at times. For instance, while driving back from Key West, I took US-1, through Miami. At some point I was on the phone with my dad and took a right turn, which put me on US-1A. And wouldn't you know it?

The hotel I stayed at the weekend I got married was in my rear view mirror. I was in the town I got married in. I then couldn't get off 1A until I passed the beach where I said my vows. And you know what?

It wasn't "sad." It was just "eh, oh well, shit happens."

But then there are moments like today when I log onto Facebook and see someone say that today is their fifth anniversary (and if this person reads this, just know that I am happy for you). And it could have been mine too. So some reminders are nothing, and some sting, just a bit, if only for a few seconds.

But all in all, more good days than bad.

I think the hardest part is when you are stuck in some sort of limbo where you have trouble creating new memories to replace the old ones. Emotional purgatory can suck a dick.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

On The Road

Dear Diary:

I guess my fascination with Key West started in the early 90s after watching, well, Key West, which you probably do not recall was a short lived television series. But anyway, ever since seeing the show I always wanted to visit the place. I mean, it was like the tropics, except you could drive to it. And I liked the fact that it was old. And quaint. It is kind of like portions of Cape Cod, except when you go in the ocean you are guaranteed not to freeze your balls off.

So, I decided to take my first real vacation since well, I was married. Needless to say it has been a while.

The drive down was not bad at all. I made it past Daytona in one day, which was on purpose because I have always wanted to do the drive from Miami to Key West, and since well, I wanted to be able to enjoy the view, there is really no point in doing that drive at night. But I have to say the drive through the Keys was a bit of a let down. I guess I was expecting nothing but views of the ocean, but instead it was more driving through small towns and the like. Granted, there were parts that were really beautiful, but for the most part, it was not.

Key West itself was nice. The architecture of the homes was really impressive. For example:


And some of the views were rather amazing. Such as:


And...

Not to mention...(some may get this, others may not)


But all in all, while I enjoyed the trip, I ran out of things to do after a day because it is not a place to really enjoy by yourself. I mean sure, I had fun, but I think it is more of a place to go with other people, or a significant other. But I guess I just have to learn to live with that feeling for a while.

Another thing I have to learn is to wear sunscreen. My head got fucking ROASTED.