Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Giving Thanks

Dear Diary:

I guess the thing to do this year on the social network chosen by many is, for each day, name someone one is thankful for. At least that is what I have noticed. Some are heartfelt, some are sarcastic, and some make me think the person writing it needs therapy. So I will do my best not to list a litany of things that make you think I need psychoanalysis.

But I make no promises.

I am thankful that I am here. Sure, life isn't perfect. But is sure as shit beats being dead. And I imagine you would probably agree. In fact, I think you would be hard pressed to find proof that death is better than living, because the people who could prove it are dead, and not exactly able to speak. Unless they are zombies, and then well they just make noises and try to eat you. And that there is enough to prove living is better than being dead.

I am thankful that the curb appeal of my house has drastically improved as a result of paying a landscaping company to do what they do best. I mean, they took a small plot of ground and turned it into something beautiful. Got rid of all the grass, and built patios and walkways.The only real problem is the fact that squirrels seem to love to tear up the new mulch. Maybe I should get a pellet gun and start picking them off? Not only would I be rid of them, but I could make myself a hat.

I am thankful for my tongue. It allows me to enjoy tasty, sweet, delicious things. Like pie.

I am thankful for pumpkin pie. Not so much pecan pie. Oh, and peach cream pie from Dangerously Delicious Pies. I am definitely thankful for that. It sells out FAST though when they have it. Too fast if you ask me.

I am also thankful for bacon. Who isn't?

I am thankful I have yet to act out in a fit of road rage and run some of these mutherfuckers who cannot drive right off the road. Seriously people, get the fuck out of the way. You want to know why there is traffic? It's you, dumbass. You are the reason. Now MOVE.

I am thankful for leftovers, particularly Thanksgiving leftovers. I mean, is it completely strange that I like the leftovers better than the actual meal? Am I completely off here? I don't think so.

I am of course thankful for my friends and family. For one, they are the reason I exist. Two, they do the small things, even my friends, such as sending me homemade tortillas and homemade jam. And yes people, you should be jealous.

I am thankful the Foo Fighters put on an AMAZING show on November 11th at the Verizon Center.

I am thankful that I do not have this overriding need to tell people when I need to take a shit or other mundane facets of my life. Hence I have not joined Twitter, which unfortunately when put into the wrong hands demonstrates the utter stupidity of some people.

I am thankful for my divorce. And that's the truth.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Of Course Bacon IS Awesome, But....

Dear Diary:

Now, I have pontificated before on the utter glory that is bacon, and pork fat in general. It makes the world go round, from a nice thick cut of apple wood smoked bacon, to pancetta, to well, anything that is bacon. If it has bacon in it, it is bound to be glorious

But, Baconlube?

I will simply have to draw the line at this one. No offense to all you kinky bacon lovers out there, but I prefer a woman to smell like a woman, and taste like a woman, and oh the taste.....so.....mmmmmmmmmmmm.

I will just go out on a limb here and say flat out that I do not think pussy should taste like bacon. Or smell like bacon.

Also, when I first saw this I will freely admit to the large volume of jokes and one liners that started filling my brain in a matter of a few seconds. I mean bacon flavored lube gives "porking" and "going hogging" an entirely new twist now doesn't it? Furthermore, guys have long referred to their junk as their "hog" and "pork sword" and to actually have it taste and smell like bacon could only further complicate things. Talk about an identity crisis.

I for one do not want my junk to taste or smell like bacon either. I mean, what if (and this is a big if lately) some woman is going down on me and I taste like bacon. What if she forgets that what she has in her mouth is not bacon? WHAT IF SHE BITES? I mean, we all know (except for those communist vegetarians and vegans out there) the sheer mesmerizing powers that bacon possesses. Bacon should not be responsible for sexual injuries.

I know bacon is a pleasurable thing, but this may be taking it a little to far. Just sayin'.

Monday, November 7, 2011

On God And Shit...

Dear Diary:

I will first have to say that this, the first entry of the Month of November in the Year of Our Lord 2011, was triggered, no, IT WAS INSPIRED, but the last episode of Dexter.

Ha. You thought I was going to get all holier-than-thou on you. Suckatash.

I am not going to give a brief recap of last night's episode so as not to give out any spoilers, but I will have to say that it centered around forgiveness as the central theme. Kinda. But this really doesn't have anything to do with forgiveness, at least it doesn't right this second as I am writing. Who knows where it will end up when I am finished.

Do I believe in a higher power? Yes, I can say that I do. I think the universe is much to vast for there not to be something larger at work. But do I believe everything organized religion stands for? Do I have the need to go to church in a house built by human beings to listen to human beings talk about a book that was written by human beings about other human beings? No, not so much.

Now, I do not begrudge people who feel the need to do such things. I do not begrudge them for being a part of a community of people who do such things. I do not begrudge them at all. However, I do begrudge the inherent contradiction that lies between them all.

For instance. A woman cheats on her husband. She tells her husband. Her husband turns to God for answers, and says his faith will get him through this. Faith in what exactly? That you do not have it within yourself to use the gift of free will that all humans have to make a decision based upon the facts as they have been laid out before you that your wife liked sucking another man's dick? Personally, in that situation I find weakness. And that really turns my stomach.

Or maybe the husband that has cheated on his wife, drinks a ton, beats his kids, steals, and is generally a horrible person, who "find's Jesus" and all of a sudden is forgiven for everything he has done and it doesn't matter what other human beings think of him or his past misdeeds because Jesus has saved him and he has been forgiven.

First of all, a person cannot decide that they themselves are forgiven if their past transgressions have negatively impacted another. They do not get to make that decision. They can forgive themselves only for the shit that they do to themselves. That's about it. For all the other bad shit they did, yeah, it doesn't work like that.

The one thread to seems to weave its way through everything is that if you believe, the way someone else said you should believe, then you do not have to be accountable for any decision that you make because everything is already predestined, in God's plan. It was God's plan for the wife to cheat on her husband so that his faith may be tested. It was God's plan for the rat bastard of a husband and father would do such horrible things in order to hit the bottom and be saved. And the contradiction inherent in that? The fact that one must give up free will, which apparently is something that separates us from all other of God's creatures, in order to believe this, because no one can actually have free will if what you are doing is predestined.

If God has a plan, I am guessing that his plan is nothing more than to sit back and laugh his ass off as we try to find a reason why we do the stupid and fucked up shit that we do. And that is where my faith and reason coincide. I have faith that there is a higher power. I just do not have faith that I can only believe in the way that someone else says I have to believe, or it isn't real.

Brother Sam chose his path. He made a choice to turn his life around. His faith helped him conquer his demons. He chose forgiveness instead of vengeance. But it was HE who made the choice. No one else.