Saturday, September 3, 2011

Well No Shit, Tell Me Something I Don't Know

Dear Diary:

Apparently, according to a "new" "study", the DMV is home to the nation's worst drivers.

Why thank you Captain Obvious. Care to tell me something I don't already know?

I have been saying for, well, about a decade now that the DMV has the worst fucking drivers on the planet. And now we apparently require a study to tell us something that I have been saying for 10 years.

Why not just pay me to put to paper what everyone in the area already knows? I will take the check. Trust me. I do not mind taking your money whatsoever.

I am not sure if I have said this before or not, but I think the reason we have the worst drivers is that for the most part, everyone here is from somewhere else. So basically you have driving habits from all over the country, hell, the world really, converging in one relatively small area. That, and people here are pretty much assholes when they are behind the wheel.

Want to merge safely into traffic? Need to move over a lane? Are people going to let you in? Fuck no they aren't, because they think that they are so important that they need to be in front of you. Even though every car is driving at about 10 mph, Joe Fuckstick needs to be the one in front of you going 10mph.

Fuck that douchebag. With a baseball bat. Wrapped in barbed wire, doused in rubbing alcohol, and set on fire. Fuck him right in his uber-tight asshole. Fucking dick.

And don't even get me started on divers who go the speed limit in the passing lane (namely, everyone with a VA plate on their vehicle, shitballs). I shake my fist at you. Or my middle finger. Or rather I get on a bullhorn in front of your house while your annoying brat kids (yes, the ones that were causing you to turn in the car and slap them while you were driving) are sleeping, and I let the world know how much of a fucking royal asshat you are for cutting me off and then slowing down because your demon spawn don't know how to shut the fuck up. At 3am. Fucking douche.

Of course we have the worst drivers in this area. No fucking shit.

Now can we go back to focusing on what is important, like finding the cure for cancer, homelessness, and finding a beautiful woman that will put up with me? Stop telling me shit I already know.

Thank you, that is all.

4 comments:

  1. I'd rather read about horrible drivers than the fucking Kardashians,but that's neither her nor there. Agreed that you should be receiving royalties on said conducted study.

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  2. oh, my god, the MERGING thing. i was somewhere, can't remember where for the life of me, and they actually had a graphical sign that showed people how to alternate when merging onto the interstate. maybe we need the pictures here.

    yeah, right. like that'll help. frankly, i'd be satisfied if anyone here could figure out a four-way stop...

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  3. "Fuck that douchebag. With a baseball bat. Wrapped in barbed wire, doused in rubbing alcohol, and set on fire. Fuck him right in his uber-tight asshole. Fucking dick."

    This is why I adore you.

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  4. i've been rear ended by bad drivers five times. FIVE fucking times. this made my day.

    ReplyDelete