Wednesday, June 15, 2011

And Then It Happened...

Dear Diary:

I have been going on, living my life, working crazy hours, and trying to enjoy my downtime as much as possible.

One part of my job entails going to receptions. A lot of receptions. These are generally decent events, with free flowing alcohol and decent food, but no one really eats at these things. Eating will take up room in one's stomach that is reserved for the open bar. And we all know how important an open bar is, don't we?

Well, there was an event tonight that I had to go to in the building located right next door to the office my ex-wife works in. And for some reason, I knew I would see her.

And I did.

It was only a glance, but I walked right past her. Her coworkers looked back in my direction, like they had almost seen a ghost. I kept my head looking straight ahead and didn't pay attention to it for the most part.

This was the first time I had seen her in over 2 years. It was the first time I heard her laughing in almost 3.

And that is what pissed me off.

I wasn't ready to hear that laugh. I wasn't ready because I put on a decent amount of weight recovery from surgery and it is taking me forever to drop it, so I looked like hell.

I didn't want that.

I think when people see their respective ex's, they want to somehow have the upper hand, whether it is seeing them while you are with someone new, and someone better, or seeing them and feeling better, and looking better.

I was with my boss. And while I have put on a considerable amount of muscle, particularly in my upper body, I still have a gut, and it is noticeable, although I dress well.

But did I feel sad? Did I feel a sense of loss? No, I didn't. I just felt weird. And even though I had a feeling I could very well see her tonight, part of me still thought that the city was big enough to not to ever have to see her again.

And that laugh? It made me cringe. It just seemed so fucking fake. I hate fake.

No, really, I do.

6 comments:

  1. Wow, we both saw our exes in the same week. It had been 14 months for me. It sucks, as I know first hand, and I'm jealous that you didn't feel a sense of loss because I did. And I can also relate to wanting to look great too, to have the upper-hand. I'm sorry you had to see her :(

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  2. Reading this made me cringe.

    On one hand, it sounds like you handled yourself with dignity and aplomb.

    On the other hand, clearly, something about it unnerved you...and why wouldn't it? Jesus. Bless your heart.

    I'm sorry you had to hear her laugh. I'm sorry you had to see her. I'm sorry the whole situation is spinning in your head. :(

    It's ridiculous and absurd for me to sit here and tell you that you shouldn't care what you look like when you see your ex, because what do I know? I just think, it's her loss. She's the one without *you* in her life. Boo-hiss on her.

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  3. Ouch. That SUCKS. First of all, fake laughter is the worst, and second, to kind of be blindsided by it too. I'm glad you just felt weird, not sad or anything, though I'm sure it felt sorta like a punch to the gut. Keep your chin up, you are doing great.

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  4. I'm guessing if the laugh was fake then she was feeling the same way you were. No matter how nice the facade, the cringing tends to happen on both sides.

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  5. Owie.

    That hurts on a lot of levels. It sounds like you handled it as best you could.

    Now, do what it takes to make YOU feel better. Honor you. Forget her. She's an ex for a reason.

    ((hugs))

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  6. ugh. ugh, ugh, UGH. it's the worst feeling ever to get blindsided like that. i know where you're coming from. you have a lot more strength of will than i do; i would've stone-cold freaked out.

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