Monday, April 11, 2011

Solitary

Dear Diary:

For the last few months I have accepted the fact that I may very well be alone the rest of my life, and by alone I mean without being in a romantic relationship.

I have accepted that.

Now accepting something and being happy with that reality are two very, very different things.

Case in point: I can accept the fact that the Red Sox started off the season 0-6 and very well may not win the World Series. I can accept that. That doesn't mean that it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Far from it.

I think there comes a point where after a failed marriage, failed dating, failed short-lived relationships, more failed dating, that well, maybe I should just take a hint.

And that is fine. Well, it isn't fucking fine, but it is life. And if that means I do not get to love someone and have her love me back, and feel it, and wake up next to her, and be a dad, and all that shit, then well ok.

I can accept that.

But that doesn't mean that I will necessarily live a happy life. Content probably. Happy, probably not.

9 comments:

  1. Ya know, I think that's pretty well put...content is still good. Accepting solidarity. Not that I think you will be alone till you're 90 or anything, but I think that is actually a pretty healthy mindset. (and seriously, red sox? I mean really...they are awful right now!)

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  2. Aw. I promise when you find your happy... well, you know the rest.

    ((hugs))

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  3. My husband felt the exact same way when he met me (randomly at a bar). He was 32, had been divorced twice, recently screwed over by another girl, and thought he'd never find someone or have kids.

    We just had our first baby in Feb.

    You are young, there are lots of women out there who want a husband, probably doesn't help hearing it from me, but it's true.

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  4. Buddy, I am in your shoes like a motherfucker.

    I think once we accept it -- because I just wrote a blog post highlighting much the same thing -- it's okay. I have to accept it. I have to find a way to be, like you said, content and okay if I never find anyone. I cannot let that wreck me. The chances that we'll go through life totally alone are unlikely, but possible, which scares the shit out of both of us, apparently.

    For every thought you have about being alone the rest of your life, some poor girl -- one of whom just might be for you -- is having the same thought. Promise.

    What if a magic fairy (or God...choose a deity) came down to you and said, "You'll have love, just the kind you want. But you have to wait another 5 years and be alone in the interim." Could you -- would you -- do it?

    At this point, I sure as hell would. It'd be a long haul, but I would.

    One thing about being a dude that is better than being a chick? At least you can father children past the age of 40. There's an expiration date on my ovaries and it ain't lookin' good.

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  5. You may be right...but I don't think so. Only time will tell.

    But I've got a fiver that says that you're wrong.

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  6. Well K, the only way for me to win that bet is if I die alone. And since I am dead, then you don't have to pay up anyway.

    I really cannot win then. I should just give you the money now.

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  7. I've been told that there are worse things than being lonely. Like settling for less than you deserve. But when you're in the middle of lonely, it's hard to believe.

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  8. We all must go through a season of discontent. I have been where you are, I can give you stories of how I imagined myself sitting at a bar at 60 hitting on co-eds. But instead of wallowing in my sorrows I used the time to work on myself internally and externally.

    Use this dark winter to do that.

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  9. Huh! I spent a most of my 20's thinking I would live the rest of my life alone, with nobody to receive my love or give me any. Then I thought I had it! Got married! Wrong!!! Now I KNOW I will spend the rest of my live alone...only it will be with my wife.

    I've accepted it. Am I happy? No. Am I content? I think so...I'll settle for that and the happiness of being with my kids daily.

    Yeah, maybe I could divorce and meet someone who will give me the marriage I want(ed) within 5 days or 5 years. But then surely the same chance should apply now? What's stopping fate/luck/whatever from letting me bumping into someone special at work or somewhere right now?

    You hear of people all the time leaving their spouse because they have fallen for someone else.

    I like what careergirlie said..."when you're in the middle of lonely, it's hard to believe."

    I know I've settled for less than I deserve...I just don't know if the alternative is necessarily better.

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