Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Just Some Random Thoughts

Dear Diary:

I am a very private person

Yeah, I know you are shocked, aren't you?

It's is very hard to see if anything is bothering me, if you were to look at me. Maybe I am just designed that way. Some people are. I remember oh, about a decade ago when I was working in the bar business, my good friend/roommate and I were interested in the same girl. My buddy also was in the beginning stages of dating another girl. Anyway, he got both of them, and I had no one. I remember him asking me if I was upset about it, and I told him, "If I was, you would never know." To which he replied, "Yeah, I know."

I also do not like being the center of attention. In fact, I hate the thought of a group of people looking at me. Speaking in front of large groups is not a fun experience for me, although I have gotten exceedingly good at it because of my job.

Where am I going with all of this? I really do not have any idea.

But anyway...

You could call me an introvert with extroverted tendencies, maybe. I am no hermit. I just have a life of routine. It helps me keep balance with the part of my life that is anything but routine, and in fact, carries with it a high level of ongoing stress. This is one of the reasons that my latest gym/eating routine, which requires a high level of discipline, does not bother me nor make me uncomfortable whatsoever. Maybe it's because the process itself requires my mind to take over. I actually find the process itself quite calming, and actually, fun. I mean, while everyone was trying to get home and deal with the storm, I was happy as a fucking clam sweating my ass off at the gym tonight. And the place was practically empty, so I didn't have to wait for shit.

Yeah, I know I am fucking weird. I will admit it.

Now, circling back to the whole keeping my emotions, thoughts, internal.

Lately, yeah, I do have reasons, a few in fact, to be utterly annoyed. I have reasons to be downright disappointed in people. You see, I hate mixed signals and people not keeping their word. To say that I hate when someone says they will do something, and then disregards it, or hopes I forget that they said it, would be an understatement. I have a pretty decent memory. Hell, I can tell you where I was when I turned three, and what my birthday cake looked like.

I am also put off by people who seem to constantly be looking for the next best thing. Maybe that is a result of my divorce, or even maybe that is a result of being moved around as a kid while my dad worked his way up the ladder in his chosen field. Maybe to me it just demonstrates a lack of commitment. I also find it a bit selfish. I think people in general need to be happy with what they have, not with what they hope to have one day. Because thinking about tomorrow is nice, but tomorrow doesn't mean shit if you get hit by a bus today.

Circling back again, there is a very high likelihood that I will never tell those who annoy the shit out of me with their actions just what it is on my mind. I guess I am just not good at expressing myself, at least not when I open my mouth. Hell, sometimes not even when I just open my mind and let the keyboard do the talking.

Or maybe I just don't think they deserve to be let in.


  1. I understand not telling people they've disappointed you. The few times I've done it lately, it's come back to bite me in the ass. They turn around and get pissed because you're not going to sit there and take their bullshit. Most of the time it's not even worth speaking up. But it still blows my mind at the lack of integrity most people have. It proves to me every time that they don't deserve to really know me.
    Thanks for sharing a little of yourself. Susanne

  2. Ah yes... I get this.

    And for the record, don't go reading my blog post today. It will piss you off, in all likelihood.

    At least you have a place to express those feelings here. Do you feel that you're passive-aggressive because you can't be honest about those feelings?

  3. T, that's a valid question, but I guess I wonder what you mean by passive-aggressive.

    I do have outlets to get out my frustrations, quite a few of them in fact. And, once people are "in" then I am as straightforward with them as humanly possible. The brakes are off at that point.

    It's more with people that I either know I should not let in, or people that are not close enough to let in, that I do this with.

    And also, I do not like drama. I am fine with confrontation. Do it, get it over with, move on. But the drawn out shit, no thank you. Part of me figures if I just keep my mouth shut, keep my opinion to myself, and deal with the frustration some other way, I will save myself a lot of drama.

    I think if you can say something in five words, say it in five. There is no need to write or speak a dissertation on something when you can say it in five.

  4. Hey I applaud you for putting it out there on here. And it's HARD to be share when you are upset or bothered by someone, I get that. And I am glad that once you do let people in, that you are honest and open. That's important. I think it could be a defense mechanism, right, a little bit, not to share when you are upset or to let people in. I totally get that.

  5. I tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt so if someone's hurting me, I wonder if they understand how much? It's my responsibility to tell them, then, or to decide to accept it. Other times this kind of stuff can be clues into their nature and whether or not they're worthy of a friendship. Sometimes my intuition is all screwed up though and I can't tell the difference between the two. It sounds like you're better at that. I'm with you on no drama.

  6. i totally get this. though it's funny; i had the opposite reaction to my divorce. it made me seek out people who are striving, who are looking to improve. but now that i think about it, maybe that's different for people who are just looking to "trade up." hmm. tough.

    there's nothing wrong with being guarded, as long as you have someone with whom you can let the walls down.

  7. When I hold stuff in, it does a disservice not only to me, but to the person who is pissing me off...because s/he is unaware. Personally I'd rather someone let me know if I've upset them, so I can apologize and we can move on. When stuff builds up, it eventually has to blow. And, that sounds a little sexual...

  8. Non-Student, well, if there is a place to sound a little sexual on occasion, this would definitely be one of them

  9. I can assure you that the people that are not keeping their own word become pissed off at other people who do the same thing. I think you owe it do them to give constructive criticism as to their behavior. It makes you a true friend.

  10. Chopper, that assumes that I am friends with these people. I wouldn't exactly call these people friends. More like acquaintances or colleagues.

  11. Hi Divorced Guy,
    After seeing you comment on a couple of blogs recently, I decided to check yours out.

    I am with you on the people not keeping their word. That is one way to irk the shit out of me, and I won't bring it up (at least not for a long time). It will sit there, brewing, building, making me more pissed.

    Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your posts!