Friday, December 10, 2010

Just Some Random Bullshit

Dear Diary:

Pita chips are delicious. Pita chips with spinach dip are divine. Pita chips and hummus are God's gift to snack food. (Did I actually just say something was divine? Give me a minute while I find my balls please)

The gas company apparently says they overcharged me by about $200 dollars, so I haven't had to pay the gas bill in a little while. This is good considering I am cranking up the heat because I hate, wait, hate is such a strong word, so let me rephrase this, I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE (that's better) the cold. I do not like to be cold. I do not like to have a cold nose. I do not like cold feet. And I do not like cold hands, especially when I have to take a piss.

The roommate is gone this weekend. He had a wedding to go to. In Hawaii. Motherfucker better bring me back some chocolate covered macadamia nuts or his rent is going up. Those little bastards are tasty.

I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE the cold but love snow. That is somewhat of an irony isn't it? And we got flurries for all of thirty seconds this morning. I am not happy about this. If it is cold, I expect white shit falling from the sky, and I am not really talking about the stuff that comes out pigeons. If it was snowing, it would make sense for it being cold. But no it is just that bone chilling windy cold that makes me want set myself on fire just to stay warm.

I am going to be spending a large portion of this weekend making Christmas cookies. Yeah, you heard me right. I even made a fairly sizable grocery list for all the baking I plan on doing. I think I will need somewhere in the neighborhood of five pounds of butter, ten pounds of flour, six pounds of chocolate, and, well, you can get the picture. I have not though figured out how I am going to accomplish all of the baking as far as time goes. There are only so many hours in a day, and some of this stuff will probably take a while. I will be making brownies that call for a pound of butter and two pounds of chocolate as well. That and clam chowder, or lobster bisque. I haven't decided on that yet.

Which, when I got to thinking of all of this, had me wondering. I mean, I can eat pussy and bake. Why the fuck am I single?


  1. I'd date you.

    But my date fell through for the evening.

    so I'm reading blogs instead.

    Aren't I cool.

  2. if bill hicks were still living, there would totally be one of his routines somewhere in the "i eat pussy and bake" construct.

    and if you have a good sugar cookie recipe you'd be willing to share, you'd be my freaking hero.

  3. Laughed out loud at that last part. You should write more often.

  4. I say, embrace your softer side and bake away ;-) And I think it's a good quality to have, as not many men will bake, or if they do, they aren't very good.

  5. Maybe because you have the mouth of a sailor and most women don't want a man who uses the F word in regular conversation? Just a thought.

  6. Anonymous, maybe you are the single most ignorant and stupid fucking person on the planet. Ever think of that? Do you REALLY think that when I am having a real life conversation with a woman that I am like, "Hey yo bitch, suck my muthafuckin balls, I wanna buy you some breakfast."

    Really? Are you that retarded? Lord help us.

  7. DivorcedGuy:
    reading this blog gave me a strange craving for sugar cookies and my vibrator. Is that bad?

  8. Jesus, I can't believe you cook. How are you single?!