Sunday, November 28, 2010


Dear Diary:

I seem to have an ability to understand things.  When they are explained, I can find the reason and rationale behind them.  However, there are two things on this planet that I simply cannot for the life of me understand: women, and traffic.

Now, since I have a penis, the odds of me ever being able to understand women are somewhere between none and never in a million fucking years.  But traffic?  Come on now.  It makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

Ok ok.  Yeah, I get the general principle behind traffic - there are too many vehicles on a road and the road hits capacity.  But it would appear that any rational person could simply find ways to alleviate traffic.  But, that never seems to be the case.  Let's take my trip back from NH yesterday.

Right around Exit 8 on the NJ Turnpike, lanes merge.  Seems simple right?  Why can't people slow to a moderate speed and easily merge, like a zipper?  One in, one out, repeat.  Seems simple right?  But no.  It NEVER fucking happens like that.  So, there I was, sitting at a dead stop on the NJ Turnpike.  And that is just unacceptable.

So, I got off the Turnpike and took a state highway south and picked up 295.  Sure, it was out of the way, but at least I was moving forward.  And I think that is what I hate about traffic.  I hate being in a car at a standstill.  If I wanted something that barely moved, I would be in a horse and buggy. Or I would fuck my ex-wife.  But I digress.

So, I finally got out of NJ, and things were moving smoothly until hitting 95 in Maryland, and it was a fucking parking lot.  So, I got off the highway again.  All I have to say is thank the good Lord that I had GPS.  I was on roads that I have never in my life driven on.  At least I was introduced to Mumford & Sons by the local radio stations while driving.

And I imagine someone out there there are people who would think riding out the traffic is better because it generally always picks up.  I say bullshit to that.  Fuck traffic.  I would rather remove my spleen with a wooden spoon than sit at a dead stop on the interstate.  If I wanted to be in a parking lot, I would go to a drive-in.

I'm just glad the dozen lobsters I brought back (cooked and cooled, not alive) made it back, still chilled.  Because if they spoiled, I probably would have set my car on fire.  Or maybe I would have done something less drastic, like caused a car accident by throwing bags of shit at oncoming vehicles.

Cause then traffic would make sense.


  1. I hate traffic too. Never ceases to amaze me. Glad the lobsters made it ;)

  2. All I need to say is: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. We have the WORST traffic, any where, any time. SIG alert on the 10/405/5/710 etc Get my drift?

  3. traffic is AWFUL in the mid-atlantic. just AWFUL. makes me NOT miss driving...

  4. Poor guy. My family lives in Northern Virginia, and I STILL refused to drive out to see them. I'm out of the Will, but my sanity is far more important than the $50 I have coming to me.

    Lobster roll? Nom. I want to go to there.