Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm No Expert

Dear Diary:

Oftentimes, particularly in the blogosphere (did I even spell that right?) surrounding blogs about relationships or the destruction of relationships, we find little reassurances that everything is going to be fine in the end. Also, one may start writing on a subject, and others will pick up on it and provide their own take, but the gist of it is that people will recover, get stronger, be ok, and so on and so forth. And while this is true, and I harbor no ill feelings towards those across the world that write such things, and agree with what they are saying, there is another side of the story that often goes untold. And, I am no expert, but this is what I know:

Divorce fucking sucks - I mean really, do you think I actually want to be able to write about being divorced? Seriously? Do you think that I enjoyed going through utter and complete emotional hell? Fuck no I didn't. The Big D can suck MY big D, (but yes, I am a better person for having gone through it. Interesting contradiction isn't it?).

Divorce costs money - It costs a lot of fucking money. Do you think that I still want to be paying off credit card bills that I accumulated not only paying for my lawyer because I blew through my savings with legal bills even though I have been legally divorced for almost 2 years but replacing stuff like dishes that I was left without? If you do, you are smoking crack. Divorce costs money. Do you really want to shell out upwards of $20,000 dollars (if you are lucky) so that you can have the pleasure of being emotionally destroyed? Of course you don't. But, you better believe those legal bills add up, and they add up fast.

Divorce will completely fuck with your head - Oh you think you will be fine as you are going through it? You think that you are happy going through it? You think that you are actually smiling going through it? Bull fucking shit on that one. Being fine is the long term goal. Being happy is the long term goal. But if you think you will not feel pain and heartache going through the actual process of divorce, you are kidding yourself. Some part of you will feel like a complete failure. And this will creep up and moments you were not expecting.

This is what I know from my own personal experience. Each relationship and each divorce is different. But in the end......

You'll be fine.


  1. "But if you think you will not feel pain and heartache going through the actual process of divorce, you are kidding yourself. Some part of you will feel like a complete failure. And this will creep up and moments you were not expecting."

    oh, this happens to me all the freaking TIME. i am really satisfied that i'm doing the right thing, even though i am stone-cold broke and scared out of my mind. i've got a new man who's good for me, which is amazing.

    but every so often, i just get smacked the hell down for no good reason with everything you just said. this is such a bipolar experience. i do have one advantage over a lot of people: my law school education means that i don't have to pay a lawyer. but aside from that, yeah, you're spot-on. i go back and forth between elation that i'm free and total heartbreak.

    it's dizzying. it's exhausting. does that ever slow down, the swinging wildly?

  2. It slows down considerably the second the judge says it's over, I know that much.

  3. This reads as a retort to my post recently on the "power within" ;-) Not that I think it is, but you do bring up a good point - it DOES suck, like whoa. Not going to deny that, but what you say about coming out better on the other side? Yep, that's 1000% true, and worth all the BS you go through, in my opinion. (and whoa, did you actually write BACK to a comment? ;-) I kid, I kid).

  4. Hi!

    I found your blog through Jolene's site. You bring up a great point. Everyone I know that has been through it before me tells me it gets better, it won't hurt as much eventually, I'll get over it, and I will love again. All of these reassurances are great, EXCEPT when you are smack in the middle of it I thought it all was a bunch of crap! LOL. The emotional and material costs were and still are very high. A friend of mine put it best when she says that the wounds heal but there are always scars. I feel like this divorce experience has changed me irrevocably. I will NEVER be the person who claims to have smiled through it. Heck no. I'm rebuilding at a snail's pace.

  5. Not only fine but "better for having gone through it." As you said. But mucho crap during the process. And for a good while afterward.

  6. Amen. I couldnt agree with you more. I don't use the "F" word when speaking but I sure used it in my journal during this whole process. I often ended my entry with "Fuck you." There are several entries I made where I just wrote, "Oh ya since its been a while...Fuck You." Very therapeutic for me.