Sunday, October 31, 2010

Chocolate Anyone?

Dear Diary:

Houston, we have a problem.

This is my first Halloween in my house. A few weeks ago, I was being told by my friend and his wife that I would be swarmed with kids looking for candy. I was told that even if I had the lights off, I would have kids banging on my door demanding treats. I was told they blew through eight bags of candy last year.

So, this year I was going to be prepared.

Oh yeah, yesterday I bought ten, yes ten, bags of candy. And since I remember being a kid and going out on Halloween and getting cheap ass shit candy, I was not going to let that happen to my neighborhood children, oh no. I was not going to have disappointed children leave my house, fuck that bullshit. I bought Kit Kat, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Crunch, M&Ms, and Twix. Chocolate baby, it's where it's at.

But, of course this was going to happen. Of course barely anyone was going to show up at my house, and leave a man who is now without nicotine with a big fucking bowl of chocolate goodness. Of course this man would also just have his wisdom teeth taken out.

I mean for fucks sake, if you want to torture this fat man any more please just remove my testicles. In fact, have a squirrel do it. Because the only other thing that could make me feel more on edge would be to have a squirrel chomping at my ball sack.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this candy? I can't eat it. I am not dating anyone so I can't give it to the her that does not exist.

Oh hey, I have an idea ladies of the DC metro area!

Tits for Twix!

(this message brought to you by pain meds, nic fits, caffeine and frustration)


  1. Take it to work? :-)

  2. Homeless people? Maybe even the squirrels?

  3. HAHA! That's hysterical (tits for twix that is ). Can you bring it to work and give it away? that's what I always do ;)

  4. Treats for Troops...check with nearby elementary schools and see if any are collecting leftover or unwanted candy to send over to men and women in the service.


  6. Fuck it, I am commenting on every single one of your posts because they're funny. And because this sentence -- Because the only other thing that could make me feel more on edge would be to have a squirrel chomping at my ball sack -- is the greatest, funniest thing I've heard all day.

    I literally laughed so hard my cat lifted up her head to see what in the fuck my problem was.