Sunday, October 31, 2010

Chocolate Anyone?

Dear Diary:

Houston, we have a problem.

This is my first Halloween in my house. A few weeks ago, I was being told by my friend and his wife that I would be swarmed with kids looking for candy. I was told that even if I had the lights off, I would have kids banging on my door demanding treats. I was told they blew through eight bags of candy last year.

So, this year I was going to be prepared.

Oh yeah, yesterday I bought ten, yes ten, bags of candy. And since I remember being a kid and going out on Halloween and getting cheap ass shit candy, I was not going to let that happen to my neighborhood children, oh no. I was not going to have disappointed children leave my house, fuck that bullshit. I bought Kit Kat, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Crunch, M&Ms, and Twix. Chocolate baby, it's where it's at.

But, of course this was going to happen. Of course barely anyone was going to show up at my house, and leave a man who is now without nicotine with a big fucking bowl of chocolate goodness. Of course this man would also just have his wisdom teeth taken out.

I mean for fucks sake, if you want to torture this fat man any more please just remove my testicles. In fact, have a squirrel do it. Because the only other thing that could make me feel more on edge would be to have a squirrel chomping at my ball sack.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this candy? I can't eat it. I am not dating anyone so I can't give it to the her that does not exist.

Oh hey, I have an idea ladies of the DC metro area!

Tits for Twix!

(this message brought to you by pain meds, nic fits, caffeine and frustration)


  1. Homeless people? Maybe even the squirrels?

  2. HAHA! That's hysterical (tits for twix that is ). Can you bring it to work and give it away? that's what I always do ;)

  3. Treats for Troops...check with nearby elementary schools and see if any are collecting leftover or unwanted candy to send over to men and women in the service.


  5. Fuck it, I am commenting on every single one of your posts because they're funny. And because this sentence -- Because the only other thing that could make me feel more on edge would be to have a squirrel chomping at my ball sack -- is the greatest, funniest thing I've heard all day.

    I literally laughed so hard my cat lifted up her head to see what in the fuck my problem was.