Saturday, September 25, 2010

Guide Me Home

Dear Diary:

I'm 32 years old, and for a while now I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. I don't really belong to any group of people, and my social circle is somewhat small to tell you the truth.

My childhood was what one could call a nomadic existence, moving about every three years while my dad worked his way up in his chosen field. It wasn't easy to make friends, and it wasn't easy to keep lasting relationships with those whom I did consider friends because as soon as I felt comfortable, I was uprooted again.

It wasn't until high school that I really fit in anywhere, and oddly enough, my best friends and I were somewhat outsiders, yet since we each ran in different circles, we were outsiders that were on the inside with everyone. Those friends I consider brothers, and we still keep in touch regularly. But I haven't lived in Texas for about fifteen years now.

Anyway, I don't really feel like I fit anywhere, and I really don't have any direction in my life. I have no fucking clue what I want to do, and I have no clue what I am doing.

My daily existence consists of a monotonous routine, and while it takes up just about every waking hour I have, I wouldn't call it particularly invigorating, or happy. It's downright boring. Some would even call it sad.

So I stroll through life aimlessly, with no real direction or sense of purpose. When I was waking up next to someone every morning, I felt purpose, meaning, direction. Not so much anymore.

And while I have a house, it is more of a project these days. Working on the deck, seeding the dirt patch that constituted my front "yard" and working on things here and there. It isn't a home. If home is where the heart is, then I am homeless.

I want to be home.

"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones..."


1 comment:

  1. I've been through this phase relatively recently...and I think it is just a phase, and you'll feel less as if you are just floating about, doing the same thing day in and out. Sometimes I think that's a good thing, since I am a fan of routine, but other times, you just wanna shake it up a little, right?