Thursday, August 12, 2010

Untitled

Dear Diary:

I walk down the street and go unnoticed. Does anyone see me? Is anyone interested in really knowing me? Do they even care about my story?

We all have a story, or rather a collection of stories that compose the symphony that is our life. Is anyone interested in hearing mine? There are millions of people that walk this planet every single day asking this same question. But I don't care about millions of stories. I care about two: mine, and the one that when combined with mine creates a harmony that would make Mozart cry from its sheer brilliance and beauty.

But right now my symphony creates an image of doom and chaos. Right now it sounds violent as my frustration with my current situation is dangerously close to boiling over.

I cannot sleep. I cannot put on a dress shirt without assistance. I cannot find refuge in the creativity I find when I am in the kitchen. I cannot blow off steam by putting on my running shoes or lifting weights until I feel that sweet pain of physical exhaustion.

My summer mission to lose at least twenty-five pounds is back to zero. There is nothing I can do about that unless I just starve myself for the next month, literally. This has had an extremely negative affect on my mood and my level of comfort in my own skin.

I cannot smile. When I walk down the street and pass someone I cannot smile. I try, but a shy grin is all I am able to muster.

I live in an area consumed with and driven by power, status, money, networking, and beauty. These are not things I possess. I am not rich and powerful and I do not have an impressive title on my business card.

I find myself professionally trapped in a situation where I am isolated to the extent I cannot meet my full potential and while I may do the difficult work, I do not get any credit and therefor no one knows who I am. I must be the public face in a certain area of my profession, and yet when I sit in meetings I am passed over and others are recognized who are not even there. It is beyond embarrassing.

I am not a GQ model, nor will I ever have the sleek and toned muscular body that women lust after. I listen to stories of women, women who live near me, filled with desire, lust, intensity, and a burning passion that emanates a level confidence and intimacy that dreams are made of, wishing, dreaming, hoping one day I will be able to know what it feels to be desired like that. But somewhere, deep down, I feel it will never happen.

Because I walk down the street and go unnoticed. No one sees me. No one is interested in really knowing me. No one cares about my story.

So I continue to compose the symphony that is my life alone. But what good is it if no one will ever hear it?

(This message has been brought to you by the makers of Vicodin, frustration, and exhaustion)

10 comments:

  1. Well-written and deep post...and perhaps the Vicodin was speaking parts of it, but I must say that I think the going unnoticed part among others happens to everyone, no matter what looks men and women possess. But I do feel I know what you mean, in terms of being passed over - professionally and personally - since the sting of rejection is something I know too, and it's frustrating. Sometimes no matter what you do, or how much you try or how good you try to look or emanate, the rejection still occurs. My two cents, I guess, and for you, I know you'll get back on track, but right now, you just gotta feel the frustration and let it out. Chin up, and I'll have a glass of wine for ya tonight, how's that? ;-)

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  2. you've nailed the feeling of living in this city when you're not in the upper echelon. i've felt this way about our area for years now. not that i don't love it here, but it's a rough town when you're not among the rich.

    and don't sell yourself short. your story's more intriguing than you think.

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  3. Maybe you need to move? I live in the midwest and while I do have things to complain about, the area isn't obsessed with money and power.

    And things will get better when the hand heals.

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  4. This sucks Soon. I am sorry that you feel as if you are invisible. I have lived that life, I know what it is like. Hang tight and let noone give you S#*T!

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  5. You are not invisible to the people that matter, and sometimes, people who see you, don't think you see them, so they don't smile either.

    It's frustrating when you are dealing with something that limits your routine. It leads to frustration, and a feeling of unrest because it throws off your routine. It's temporary, you will heal, you will rebuild the path you've been on, and you'll feel more yourself.

    Give it time, your story is interesting, it's a journey, and others are interested, but don't always want to pry. You have things to teach, a journey to share, and there is someone out there, with a journey of their own to share.

    Remember who you truly are, and live who you truly are, and others will see it too.

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  6. Giving you hugs, Soon, I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

    Lynne

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  7. I notice.....I care.....just sayin.

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  8. Apparantly 11,879 people think you are interesting! Hope your healing (both hand and heart) doesn't take too much longer.

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  9. Buck up little camper...

    If living were easy, then everyone would do it.

    I broke both arms last month. And, when people ask how I am surviving this, I tell them, this ain't the worst to happen, and I'm sure worse things will happen. But, I am alive right now, and why not enjoy what I've got.

    Someone up above (not heaven... an earlier reply) said "Life's a journey". And, she's right. And, the best journeys have adventure. Adventure is often unnerving while you're living it... But, once you have lived it, you realize you have lived.

    Thourue once said "Don't reach the end of your life, and discover that you failed to live." So live.

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  10. You have a teriffic writing style, which certainly got "noticed" by me. NOt all women, people are looking for the externals, you speak of. Many are looking for some basic intrinsic qualities like: trust, integrity, communication.

    And we all know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A very handsome guy can turn quite average or less than, if his personality is such. And a beautiful person from within, does radiate calm, and beauty outside as well.

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