Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Rules

Dear Diary:

That which you are about to read will include profanity, blatant sexual references and may or may not make any sense. Reader discretion is advised.

The Divorced Guys Rules for Ending Sexual Relationships-

-Don't be mean. Just let time kinda take its course. Fucking someone, no matter how good the sex, can't last forever, so, ride it out (pun intended), and just let it flow.

-Be honest. If you want to stop sleeping with someone, tell them. Everyone will hit a point where they wonder if there is something more that just hot sweaty passionate, back-breaking hardcore fucking. Ultimately, for me at least, I want to have the same hot sex, just with someone whom I actually have legitimate emotions for other than "like."

-Don't be weird and start throwing the "but I loved you" line if both of you went into the relationship knowing you were just going to make each other cum as much as possible. If you get "the feelings" and didn't say anything then well, you broke the above mentioned rule regarding honesty.

-Be an adult. If you are old enough to be fucking, then you should be old enough to know how to act when you are no longer fucking.

The Divorced Guys Rules for How NOT to End Sexual Relationships:

-Don't go running your mouth all over town and telling mutual friends shit that just isn't true. They say discretion is the better part of valor, or something like that. The only thing you do is make yourself look like a fool in the long run.

-Don't stay in contact with a former lover as a friend, while saying shit like "mmm, wish I could help," with blatant sexual innuendo. Because for a woman, well, I don't know how a woman would react, but for a guy, we think with our cocks on occasion, quite often in fact, and easy pussy is better than no pussy (but we won't date easy pussy or let it meet our family).

-Don't talk to your former lover/fuck buddy/friend with benefits the afternoon before you have a date and say that you are horny but know you shouldn't sleep with your date, considering it is a first date, and then tell mutual friends how thick of a cock your date had and how much you liked when he went down on you.

I'll fuck easy, but I would rather not. It's like pussy in a glass, "break in case of emergency." I won't fuck slutty. And I won't talk to her either. And I sure as shit won't send her a housewarming present.

(Obviously I am putting myself in this context so it makes sense in my head. One can flip the male/female aspect and have it still make sense, I think. But it's not like this has actually happened to me.............)

4 comments:

  1. Um, wow, can only imagine what's going on in your real world right now. But have to agree- just be honest. Even if it's "I'm always going to want to fuck you but I have to take a break right now to see if I can get my relationship to work." Yeah, my real world.

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  2. I disagree re: no matter how good the sex, won't last forever - and why not? I'd like to hope it can, anyway ;)

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  3. "If you are old enough to be fucking, then you should be old enough to know how to act when you are no longer fucking."

    there are some people who i'd love to tattoo this sentence on in some kind of prominent place. seriously.

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  4. Ha, this post made me laugh and remember the relationships I used to have, wherein the other party was in the "How Not To" section and I was in the "How To"...

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