Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ok Then

Dear Diary,

Since I really have nothing to write about other than my hand and the sheer annoyance that is it becoming, I will tell you a story. Or is it give you a recollection? Share a memory maybe? Eh, anyway, I am tired, it is hot out, and the coffee I am drinking hasn't kicked in yet, but here goes.

I am going to take you back to a happier time, or at least one day in my life where I was so overfilled with joy that you could have shot me in the ass and I wouldn't have cared: my wedding day.

Now, I will not go into details about my entire wedding day. But, I will tell you a few things about my ex mother-in-law, since I am feeling very generous, and maybe a little bit condescending.

My ex mother-in-law was a great women....ok, sorry, I just had to laugh at that.

My ex mother-in-law was a fucking lunatic. She used to get all worked up over stupid and pointless bullshit. There were a couple of times that we would visit her and we would leave with my ex crying because her mom had been an ass and made her feel like shit. This happened on my ex's birthday once. So yeah, you can see what type of mother-in-law I had.

Well anyway, my wedding was small. It was a destination wedding and we only had the bridal party and our parents there, so we enjoyed a long weekend in South Florida with a very close group of people.

On my wedding night, after the reception, the vast majority of us went to a local bar near the beach and were laughing and drinking. My ex father-in-law was there having beers with my dad.

(Both sets of parents are divorced by the way, which will help put the following into context)

While we are all sitting there laughing and enjoying a good time, my ex mother-in-law bursts into the bar and screams, "(insert ex father-in-law's name) you ASSHOLE!" My ex father-in-law left less than a minute later.

And that was how my wedding night started. With my bride crying.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dearly Beloved

Dear Diary:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of one man, and one avocado, for they shall forever be intertwined from now until eternity, or rather, until he is dead and buried and no one gives two shits about his severed nerve.

I need surgery.

Fuck me standing.

I had an appointment with one of the top dogs of orthopedic surgery in the area (because this is the treatment you get when the first emergency crew to respond says "oh, its superficial, it will heal" because they didn't clean the wound and realize I punctured an artery) a few days ago. It lasted about fifteen minutes. During said appointment, he took out this little tool with some prongs on it, and poked my hand.

He asked how many prongs he was poking me with, and I got it right until he touched one finger on my hand. When he asked, I said I felt nothing. And I didn't. And then he pressed under my finger, right above the original wound, and asked me if it tingled, and it did.

Now, I imagine as far as nerve damage goes, I am fairly lucky. I have full motion of my hand and fingers, but there one entire side of a finger is completely numb, and has been for over a week now, all because I severed a nerve. The only time I feel anything is when I unfortunately pull at the scar tissue that is forming around the nerve, causing a shot of pain to move up the finger. Because, well, as we all know, nerves don't like that shit.

So, according to the doc, if I want to be able to have any feeling whatsoever in the affected area ever again, I need surgery.

Hot diggity dog.

Now, as far as injuries go, I have never broken a bone or torn anything major. I have never had surgery, ever. This is my first one. I still even have my fucking wisdom teeth (well, at least for two more months roughly).

I have to be put under because apparently, while my hand is not that thick (not like other parts of me ;) you know?) the surgery is fairly invasive. It is an outpatient procedure, so it shouldn't take long, but after the surgery I get to have a cast on for three weeks.

A cast, for three weeks, most likely during the hottest fucking month of the year.

Oh yeah, totally looking forward to this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

one handed

dear diary,

i like me some avocados. they are tasty little suckers and i could eat them daily if i had the opportunity to. but those tasty little suckers have ruined me. how so?

well thursday i was trying to take the pit out of one at work, making myself a tomato and avocado salad. the knife slipped and i stabbed myself. and when i say stabbed i mean stabbed, the blade, a serrated one no less, when right into the palm of my hand below the knuckle of my middle finger.

blood ensued, and lots of it. as well as pain, and yelling fuck about a half a billion times. my coworkers of course were freaked out, and i am sure the site of me holding a bloody hand wasn't that appealing.

anyway, the emergency team showed up, with a dr, and the dr said i didnt need stitches.

fast forward 9 hours, and i am at the emergency room with blood squirting 6 feet out of my hand, and i apparently had punctured an artery, and possibly severed a nerve.

for the last 5 days i have had half of my middle finger numb.

my hand looks like i punched a brick wall since it is black and blue as a result of the blood flowing into the tissue of my hand.

it is still swollen a bit as a result of all of this.

and now i get to see a hand specialist.

by the way, i typed this, you guessed it, one handed.

so besides being fucking swamped at work, this is my life. a comedy of bloody errors.