Sunday, April 11, 2010


Dear Diary,

I had a date this afternoon, and while getting ready, I was looking for a pair of shoes in my storage closet, and stumbled upon something I had not seen in a while.

A scale.

Having not stepped on a scale in what seems like months, I was a bit apprehensive, but figured I should get it over with and see whether or not I had kept pace with my diet and exercise. I had not.


That is what it read. 264 fucking pounds. That is 16 pounds lighter than I was when I first started really dropping weight in September of 2006. That is 44 pounds heavier than I was right before my ex and I split up. That is 24 pounds heavier than I was in October.

Fuck me royally.

All the hard work I had put into becoming a healthier man vanished. I can honestly say that I have never, and I mean ever, been more disappointed in myself. I sit here literally dumbfounded.

How the fuck could I let myself do that? How the fuck could I not pay attention like that? How the fuck can I expect anyone to notice me when I look in the mirror and can actually see that something is not going right? FUCK FUCK FUCK.

My goal was to be at 200 pounds by Labor Day of this year. I have a big reunion that weekend and I wanted to look and feel great for it.

Now, to some, 200 pounds is a lot of person, but on my frame, with muscle, 200 pounds isn't that big at all. I will look healthy quite honestly, and if it dips lower than 200, you won't see me fucking crying about it.

But 264, yes, you will see me cry about that.

So, I of course searched on the web for any type of tip that I could find about how to safely lose weight, any type of calorie counter/calculator I could find, and I found this:

344 Pounds

This a story of a guy who one day looked at himself and said, "Enough is ENOUGH!"

I have been reading some of his postings, and they are nothing but awe inspiring. This is a man that has lost so far about 140 pounds and he has done it in just over a year. If this kid can do it, so can I.

It really was inspiring to read about someone who has felt some of the same things that I have over the course of my life. It is also inspirational in the fact that this guy has just dropped weight by busting his ass and eating healthy.

If he can do it, so can I.

So, after my date, I came home and went straight to the gym where I did some upper body work and hit the treadmill for 2 miles. Tomorrow I am going to begin putting myself though utter hell for the next I do not know how many months.

I have 21 weeks until Labor Day weekend. I plan on losing on average about 1.5 to 2 pounds per week until that weekend, which will put me somewhere in the 220 to 230 pound range. I will provide updates on my progress through here. By New Years, I plan on being either close to my goal, or at it.

If he can do it, so can I.

Fuck this shit, so WILL I.


  1. YOu will do it. YOu have a lot of time. Im not in playing shape either. But Im a few weeks away. Ive learned more stuff. But it would take for you to make changes. Ive said it before. Alcoholo will mess you up.

    As far as where you are at. Accept it. Thats your first step. Leave your pride at the door of the gym and take it a week at a time. What helped me years ago was getting down to thenext digits. When you hit the 230's. it will motivate you. Consistency is key of course. But once you reach it, you can mess with the nutrition. And weight loss IS 80 % nutrition and 20 % exercise. That is the flat out truth.

    Hit me up man if you have any questions. You can do it.

  2. You can do it - I know it seems like an uphill battle, but you sound very motivated to make a change, and your weight goals are totally realistic, which is part of the success factor, in my opinion, because if you attempt any more than 2 lbs a week, that's just really tough to keep up with. Good luck, looking forward to hearing your progress. And uh, how was the date?!

  3. The date was good, but I may have been a bit preoccupied considering I felt like a fat ass.

  4. 21 weeks, you can do it!!

    Since you are giving yourself 21 weeks to get into shape, I will do the same. I put on some weight over the holidays and I am ashamed to say I gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds may not sound like a lot but on my frame it is, especially since I have a bad back.

    In 21 weeks if I can get back down to 145 I will be thrilled

  5. I agree that you can d o this..but if you are like me you need encouragement and help...Having support around me and following blogs that motivate me really help! good luck in your journey!

  6. You seem obsessed to me. It is good to work on your health, but this is self-absorbed bs. You could hardly enjoy the company of someone who wanted to share time with you because you were so busy hating yourself. Their are worse things than being overweight (yes, REALLY) and overweight can be a problem somewhat readily solved with commitment and exertion.. But myopia of this type.... can you get a clue? Can you see the forest for the trees?

  7. Can I see the forest through the trees?

    Can you see my middle finger? If not, shall I raise it higher for you?

    Here is a thing about people in general. If they are not comfortable with themselves, how can you expect them to be comfortable with someone else? The answer is you cannot.

    Weight, particularly when you struggle with it for your entire life like I have, can create a cycle of self loathing that is not easily broken.

    Also, what is wrong with having a singular determined focus on a goal? Absolutely nothing. That is how goals are achieved. They are not achieved by sitting on your ass and waiting for them to come to you.

    The bottom line is I would rather die trying to lose weight and become healthy rather than die because I didn't.

    And if you cannot understand that, then, well, fuck off.

  8. And this is another reason why I cannot stand anonymous comments. Ladies and gentleman, if you want to give a backhanded comment, feel free, but stand by it by having the guts to put your name on it.

  9. you've so got this! it took a hard slap in the face for me to realize that i'd let myself get way out of shape. in my case, it was trying to evacuate from a hurricane when i was close to 200 pounds. for a 5'4" girl-type person, that's no damn joke. i got militant about weight loss immediately thereafter, and though it took me almost a year, i've shed about 50 of those pounds. and trust me. if an exercise-phobe and food-love like me can do it, i KNOW you can! i'm rooting you on!

  10. I agree with magnolia. Also, "Anonymous" up there can go fuck himself. Or herself. I can totally relate to this. About a year and a half ago I was 200 on a 5"3" frame and I finally got motivated to take charge. I lost 40 pounds and then...I didn't maintain. I went back to my old ways, and it was the most pathetic thing ever...anyway, I gained about 30 back and I felt like I could kill myself I was so down about it...but I'm on the way back down and I feel better...I'm so rooting for you. You have been so strong in the past and your willpower is awesome, so keep going and just remember how sexy you're going to feel as you go!

    P.S. I have a blog crush on you. Don't tell my husband.

  11. Way up there with you about being comfortable with yourself. We cannot forge comfortable relationships if we ourselves are already uncomfortable with how we are. How does that adage go? You cannot love another if you don't love yourself. And being comfortable with yourself forms part and parcel of loving yourself - in all aspects, emotionally, mentally, spiritualy and yes, physically. All of these comprise who you are. They are not mutually exclusive. If there is an aspect there that you don't like, change it. For it speaks of who you are, as a whole person.

    Unfortunately, there will be certain people, anonymous or not, who will try to keep you off track your goal of finding who you are. It requires a steadfastness and a resolute determination within yourself not to lose your vision amidst these "noise".

    Reading your posts, I can see that you've a certain tenacity to make it through. So listen to what resonates within you and filter out the rest...i know you'll make it! :-)