Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Well Fuck Me Standing

Dear Diary,

Have you ever felt like you were playing chicken with an avalanche? You can see it coming toward you. You know for a fact that you are going to get wiped out. Yet, you just stand there, like a fucking moron, thinking that somehow, some way, you will come out of it ok, and unscathed. Yeah right. Not only is it going to hurt, it is going to be cold. Very very fucking cold.

I am playing chicken with the month of February this year. So, let's recap why:

-Found a wedding invitation that announced my now dearly departed marriage.

-Valentine's Day

-Today, February 16th, marks 2 years since I last made love to that woman, and it was in the morning, in Jamaica, as we listened to the waves crash on the rocks

-Today was also the day I decided to clean up my desk at work and found a CD and decided to throw it in the computer to look at it and saw all the photos from my wedding weekend

-February 24th marks my one year anniversary of being legally single again

-The end of February was the month my marriage went downhill.

So, you can see that I am giving a gigantic middle finger to this entire month. It can pretty much suck the shit right out of my fat, white, hairy ass at this point (ok, that was a BAD visual, but you get where I am going with this?).

__________________________________

I mean, I just do not get it. I was SUPPOSED to be done with this crap. I have gone through all the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

Or have I?

I certainly remember the denial stage, as well as the bargaining stage. I remember thinking there was no way this was happening to me, and I was begging, pleading, grovelling for her to not go through with it.

My dear Diary, you know for a fucking fact that I went through the anger stage. There is really no point in rehashing it.

Diary, I already hit feeling indifferent towards my ex-wife, and I have accepted that my marriage is over, and have moved on considerably. Hell, I am going to own a house on February 22nd, and be out of debt by March 5th. Tell me that isn't rebuilding. I have even had genuine feelings for other women, most noticeable Sunshine and Girl 7.

And as far as depression, hell......................dammit, I cannot remember going through that.

Well fuck me standing.

Maybe that explains the fact that I was up half the night last night thinking of her. Maybe that is why I have been rehashing everything in my head. Maybe that is why I had a dream that instead of being tired, when she asked me what was wrong when I brought her to the airport I said that I was planning a surprise and had to run to get something. Maybe that is why I keep seeing in my brain me proposing that we take a vacation, just to two of us, before our work got busy. You know, those short, but romantic vacations couples take just to spend time together.

Maybe maybe maybe.......blah blah blah.

Why now? Seriously? After all this time, why the fuck is it NOW hitting me? Why am I walking around like a zombie, putting on a happy face, all the while knowing for a fact that I am faking it?

__________________________________

What hurts the most is the realization that I am not there yet, and because I am not there yet, I had to say goodbye to Girl 7.

You see, Girl 7 reminded me a lot of my ex-wife. Aside from the fact that they grew up a relatively short distance from each other in the same state, she had a lot of the same mannerisms. She got excited about a lot of the same things. She even had this, oh, I don't know, shyness and innocence that my ex-wife had at times.

And the problem with that had nothing to do with her at all, but it had to do with me. You see, when I found that wedding invite, I realized that I was not seeing Girl 7 for who she is, but for rather who she reminded me of. And that is not fair to her at all. Being with me, as I am right now, would not have been fair to her, and I am upset at the fact that I am not in a place emotionally to be able to see who for who she is, which is a really wonderful and beautiful woman.

I was looking for a reason things wouldn't work because they were going so well between us. But the problem was the reason that it wouldn't work was because I couldn't see who for who she was. By doing so, I devalued her as a human being. And in my opinion, you cannot have any type of meaningful relationship when that happens.

Fuck me standing....

9 comments:

  1. No. I think you are just human. I think it is in the "going through what you are going through" that you need to do. I don't think it's the start of an avalanche. You won't be wiped out. You just needed to get some stuff out. Clear things up. I went through the exact same thing and waited to hit the wall. I never did hit a wall. That was it. And it floats away.

    -j-

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  2. It's most accurately called, not the stages of grief, but the cycles of grief. You go through them and you go through them and you go through them. Sometimes they are short, sometimes they are long. I still visit them sometimes. Be patient.

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  3. absolutely cyclical...

    aye...If I think long and hard, my month is April. A month before we met, the month we were married and the month we endure another anniversary because we are too proud, it is too conveninet to stay and the economy is too fucked up to part ways.

    ...at least what you have is acknowledgement of those cycles...while some still hide them in their subconcious

    -a

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  4. It takes a lot of time. I have heard it takes 5 years. I am on my second year now. Good thing February is a short month and that's awesome about buying a home and getting out of debt. Now take that fat, white, hairy ass bend it over and tell the world to KISS IT!

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  5. Ugh. and of course, February has to fall in the darkest, wintry month too, right? I agree with imgonnabreakyourheart (again?) that it is cycles of grief, and it does happen. But so awesome that you will be a homeowner and out of debt in less than a month...now THAT is something to celebrate, my friend.

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  6. Dude, don't beat yourself up. If there were significant happenings in your marriage in February, that month will always be tough. Ex and I got engaged on Valentines day and five years later, signed the papers on Feb 12. Makes for a very strange V-Day for me. I have to celebrate it because we have a beautiful daughter together who loves flowers and gifts, but if feels weird.

    As for Girl7, my current girlfriend looks just like my Ex. Wasn't on purpose, just happened. At least she doesn't act like her. Hang in there pal, you're doing great.

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  7. Well, on the "hour glass is more than half empty" side...

    February has only ten days left (and counting down).

    I suggest a combination house-warming and "Fuck you February" party on the 27th or 28th. Bring in a shredder from work, and invite your invitees to bring something that needs a good and proper shredding.

    If I lived in the DC area, and if you invited me, I'd bring some of my own wedding memorabilia. I'm not in an angry phase at the moment, but why have it around for the next time an angry phase could be triggered?

    Here's to new beginnings (like your new house). The daylight hours are getting longer. Spring is around the corner. Take good care!

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  8. I'm not sure if there is a 'time frame' for grief. I suppose it is different for everyone. The great thing about grief is that you can turn it into acceptance and it seems like you aren't there yet. It takes time, sure...but you will wake up one February and think "It was a part of my life and here is the rest of my life." And when that happens, it is pretty fucking awesome.

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  9. You are not just mourning a piece of your past, but a piece of yourself that is tied to it. Instead try to celebrate the you that is now. I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy. But your life still has possibilities, and tomorrows, and pieces of you that you haven't seen yet.

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