Saturday, February 13, 2010

I'm Sorry

Dear Diary,

I am a bit numb at the moment, so this will take a while to write.

I had a chance to see Girl 7 tonight, as she came back in town to take care of some things and take a break from her work trip. She wanted to see me, but I couldn't see her. Or rather, I cannot see her.

In fact, right now, I cannot see anyone.

I called her and told her that tonight wouldn't work, and that lead to a conversation that right now, we wouldn't work. And I can honestly say that it had nothing to do with her whatsoever, but everything to do with what I stumbled across while cleaning up.

A piece of paper.

Actually, a piece of expensive paper, in a very nice envelope.

With words on it.

That was printed at a local printer.

With a blue border.

Announcing my marriage to my ex-wife.

My wedding invitation.

I thought I got rid of everything, but somehow, in the move to my apartment last year when I was scrambling to pack and get out of a house I sold in three weeks, and the move into my new place, and being busy with work, and being busy renovating a house, and being busy with life in general and not having time to do anything with anything or anyone, I fucking missed one singular piece of paper in a nice envelope.

So, now I sit here rather numb. And honestly, Girl 7 deserves better than what I can give her right now. She is a great human being, and I wish that I could be in a place mentally to be able to be the guy she deserves, but, right now, I need a break, and I need to work on me some more.

I am not a fan of this to tell you the truth. I am not a fan of the fact that I have one more ghost to annihilate. I am not a fan that the ghost has been hiding in my mind this entire time and I was too busy and distracted to notice it.

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry too. Healing takes way too much time.

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  2. You know a girl isn't the one when you think of being with other people when you have her. Best of luck on the healing and meeting the right girl for you.

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  3. I am thinking that this is not your last ghost. But, your honesty with #7 is awesome. Don't be so hard on yourself.

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  4. When I think back on how you and I first e-met, I really like the man you are now. Time changes so many things. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. You deserve the right girl at the right time. And they will come. Happy (almost) Valentine's Day. xoxo

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  5. I totally agree with imgonnabreakyourheart - the time will come, at the right time, and maybe the time to regroup will be just what you need. I found it was really helpful for me to take a step back and regroup for me, and I feel more centered and focused on what I want...so, while that was a sucky thing to find, you can get it out of your system and figure out where to go from here (up of course!)

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  6. I'm not sorry for you. Instead, I will tell you how proud I am (like it matters..:-)that you are man enough and strong enough to face your ghosts. Not everybody is strong enough to allow himself to fall down and graceful enough to know that he will get up again. I hope more men are like you. Kudos.

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  7. Best wishes to you as you wrestle with these ghosts. I'm pulling for you. We all are.

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