Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 1

Dear Diary:

"Dude, what the fuck is with this Day 1 horse shit? You have been divorced for a while, what are you starting now?"

This is what you might say.


And of course I say it in exactly that way with exactly that intensity just before I grab you by your junk and throw you into a tree, but only because I love you like that, fucker.

Yes all ye faithful masses that stood by and read my inglorious bullshit over the last year or so, I am finally doing in! I am quitting chewing tobacco (right after I do this...ha, kidding).

The reason I am quitting is not because of any sudden bolt of lightening that struck me like, "Um, you are spitting brown shit all over the place and your spit cups stink," or, "Your gums are receding," or, "Hey, you are getting cancer for Christmas! Woohooooo." No, rather, I am quitting a much easier way: I just ran out of the stuff.

This morning I had my very last dip at 8am. I will not dip again (unless I get divorced again, and then fuck, all bets are off. I could end up marrying a hooker in Tijuana if I have to go through that shit again).

I quit for a very long time before, and I did it cold turkey before. The reason I started again was to relieve the stress that I was dealing with, but, I will say that once I put my mind to it the last time, it was easy not buying another tin again. I just do not do it.

I do however go through a lot of chewing gum, and place said chewing gum between my lip and gums. I find this rather amusing, and yet pretty fucking pathetic at the same time. This is not like I am having ghost pains of a lost limb for fuck's sake. It's chewing tobacco!

(On a side note, if you have gotten this far and realized I am all over the place it is because usually I would have my third dip of the day in and I am a bit on edge, so cut me some slack or I will remove your nipples with a chainsaw)

(On another side note, I am not violent right now, and I am laughing hysterically at the chainsaw comment and cannot believe some of the off the wall shit that is flying through my head. This is what withdrawals do, but at least I am not shitting the bed like a smack addict)

Now, as far as the math goes, a can of Skoal in DC costs about $6 now. In VA, I was paying $7.25 for two cans, and I was going through about 1.5 cans a day. So, that's almost double what I was paying in VA, and with the off day I would have every once in a while, and counting weekends, lets just say that I would easily go through at least ten cans a week. At $6 a can, that is $60 a week, multiplied by weeks in a year, and I come up with the grand total of me spending roughly $3,120 this year on nicotine if I bought it all at the same store in DC.

$3,120 could be better spent on a new fence, or covering half of the payment for the new deck, or a trip to Europe, or a personal trainer for like a year or the single greatest grill in the entire city. See what I mean? Why the hell would I spit out (literally) over $3,000? I cannot think of a good reason, so, that means I am not going to do it.

Besides, I will not have to hide shit when women come over to my house, and that's really the greatest single reason of them all right?

Or am I quitting just because I am too lazy to go to the store and too lazy that I do not want to throw the shit away when I am done with it?

Eh, time will tell I guess.


  1. congrats!! you can do it!! :) (ps your posts crack me up, I love the way you write, very stream of conscious in some posts :) )

  2. First, congratulations.

    Second, as for marrying that hooker in Tijuana, you'd be better off paying her for her services a la carte. It will be much cheaper than divorcing her.

    You can totally do this. Good luck.

  3. Ok, for the record, it is not a good idea to give up nicotine going into a weekend. I made it 30 hours. Fuck that noise. I am going to kick this shit during the work week as it is much harder to throw in a dip during a meeting as it is when you are painting crown molding.

  4. But thanks for the words of support anyway