Friday, September 25, 2009

Goodbye Sunshine

Dear Diary:

I am in a weird frame of mind at the moment because I just had to force myself to be the bad guy because Sunshine didn't have the courage to tell me what I already knew. So, I had to tell her what she was feeling so that she wouldn't have to be the bad guy.

She hasn't said boo to me in a while, so I casually pointed that out. I told her that I could tell she didn't want to date me. That it was nice meeting her, and she was worth the risk in saying hello to.

She said this didn't feel great having to hear these things, and that she said she could see us as friends but nothing more.

I told her I would pass, since I already have plenty of friends. Then I said that I didn't know why she even joined our particular dating site if she was just looking for friends. Then I killed the conversation before she could say anything.

The End.

There was of course more said in that conversation, but the point is that I won't tolerate being made to feel like I am invisible. She was a coward who couldn't say what she had to say, so she just didn't talk to me so she could avoid it. All that did was piss me off, so I had to be the one to confront the situation and deal with it. And that is fine with me.

So sure, it hurts a little bit, but not because it's over, but because she treated me like I didn't exist when a few weeks ago we were making plans to go on trips and shit like that.

But such is life. The only difference here, and I can thank my divorce for teaching me this, is that I controlled and took ownership of the situation, and didn't let someone make that decision for me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

So It's Been 11 Days

Dear Diary:

It has been 11 days since my last entry. So, I thought I would take the time to update you on my life and what has been keeping me so busy that I have not had the time to write to you.

The House - The renovation project that I am working on has taken up a ton of my time. Between meeting with contractors, overseeing the progress, looking for appliances, cabinets, and everything else, I am shocked that I have a spare moment. Keep in mind that I am doing all of this while still working a job that I put in over 40 hours a week at, and well, you get the point. My weekends are spent taking care of stuff for the house, so as far as relaxing weekends go, I haven't had one in a while. But, the good news is that the project is coming along smoothly. After hitting a couple bumps in the road (such as the need to replace the entire fucking roof), things are going smoothly. All the major carpentry work will take place over the next two weeks. The heating system work has been done. The masonry work will be done in one week. About two weeks from now, the fixtures will start to be put in. So, what type of fixtures are we talking about exactly? Well, here is the short list"

Kitchen-all new cabinets, appliances, counter top, knobs, sink, etc.

Floors-all new hardwood flooring, about 1000 square feet of it.

Bath-custom built tile shower, new toilets and vanities for both the full bath and half bath, vent fans, etc.

Lighting-all new lighting throughout the house

Walls-all new drywall, and cleaning the exposed brick

Doors-new front door, new rear door, and a ton of new doors inside the house

I think you can get the picture from that little list. The house is a shell right now, and when it is done, the whole thing will be practically brand new. If you can think of everything that goes into a house, that is what I am looking at.

Dating - Dating is going well. Things with Sunshine have slowed down to the point that we haven't seen each other in a while, and we don't talk that much anymore, and I am fine with that. So, I am seeing other people.

I had a great date this weekend with a girl that I have been talking to for a while. And when I say great, I mean great. Everything felt so comfortable, it was almost weird. We met at a restaurant and had a couple beers before having dinner. The conversation was filled with a lot of laughter and just getting to know each other some more.

During dinner, she said something very quickly, almost like she was trying to see if I was paying attention. Let me try to replay what she said:

"Oh, I'm divorced, I think I told you that, but anyway.."

My reply: "Really? No, you didn't mention it. No big deal, likewise."

And that was all that was said about that. It was a completely freeing feeling. I no longer at some point have to explain to this girl that I am divorced. That has always been a bit of a tightrope to walk, because the reactions are varied. But with this one, Girl 5, its not an issue at all.

Pretty fuckin' sweet if you ask me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Now That I Am Not Frustrated

Dear Diary:

So a little more than a week has passed since my last entry, and there are a couple of things I wanted to point out.

First, I wrote that last one while completely and totally frustrated. Since then things with Sunshine have actually gotten better. And yes, we are still dating.

Secondly, I said I didn't respect a lot of the women I slept with, and I didn't. I can name seven that I actually did respect. Some now I respect more than others. Some I even still talk to.

The reason I was so utterly and completely frustrated had nothing to do with sex. It had to do with the sudden change from everything is going great and moving forward to a complete stop and reset. If you don't know why I was so frustrated, think back to what my mood may have been like in March of 2008, and then you will have your answer.

But all I did was read to much into something that was not really happening. Sunshine wasn't putting a stop to anything, she was just slowing things down to protect herself. We have gone out a few times since then, and have talked at length about things, about relationships, about us still dating. Quite frankly, I am in a better place as a result, and slowing things down was a good thing. This way we don't jump into anything and end up together because we feel we need to be, not because we want to be (if things were to go that route).

Now Diary, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I am wasting my time, and that I am looking for something to be there where it isn't. The only thing I could do to prove you wrong would be to give details of all our conversations, and that is something I am not going to do.

The fact is that I overreacted. After a week, dealing with contractors, my day job, and a ton of other shit, I have a greater sense of clarity.

And that is fine by me.