Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Dating Game

Dear Diary:

First off, by now you should expect apologies when I don't update you for a while. However, between work being about as busy as a tornado, and fixing up the house, and dating, I have been swamped. So, I am giving myself a free pass whenever I don't update you with the adventures of my life. Honestly, I thought I bored you, but if I didn't, check back about once a week or so and you can see what I am up to.

But anyway....

So, like I said, I am dating. And you know what? I am having the time of my life. I never really dated prior to being married. I just sort of found myself in relationships. I have spoken to some people who were the same way, so, if you have trouble understanding it, just go with me.

Anyway, dating is fun. Like I said earlier, the online dating thing is panning out well so far. This weekend, I had dates with Girl 3 Friday and Saturday. Last weekend, Girl 2, and next weekend, Girl 4 possibly.

I am not feeling anything with Girl 2, so, that is going to come to an end. She is nice and all, but I just don't feel anything is there, and I don't want to spend weeks and months trying to find something that I think would cause a spark. So, I am going with my gut on this, and ending it.

Girl 3 is the one I have spent the most time with so far, and we are clicking very well. I haven't been able to really notice anything that I do not like about her. I really enjoy spending time with her, and our nights together this weekend were great. She is one of the more well rounded individuals I have ever met, has a great outlook on life, and is very attractive in my book. Her eyes are crystal blue, and I could honestly get lost in them. She is smart, funny, driven, compassionate, and always seems to look for the positive things in life. Oh, and she enjoys spending time with me as much as I do with her. She is full of life and laughter, and I dig her.

The funny thing is that I wasn't really planning on this. Sure, you always hope for the best when you put yourself out there like that, but I wasn't thinking that I would find someone that I would click with so suddenly. Now, I am not complaining that it happened, hell, I am happy it did. But not for the reasons that one would expect.

I am happy that it is happening because I know that no matter what happened in the past, it is just the past. I am fully capable of having feelings for someone, even though they may just be starting out, and it is too soon to tell if they will go anywhere. But, that being said, the light was not completely extinguished by my divorce. There remains a flicker, and it is getting brighter by the day.

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Now, for some irony. I have been matched with about ten women who have the same first name as my ex-wife. How the hell is that happening? I married one with that first name, and there will not be another. When I see that name before I see the pictures, I just cringe. Well, I mean honestly, it would be funny as fuck if my ex and I got set up through online dating, and I would laugh my ass off.

Secondly, Girl 4 has the same first name as the woman for whom my ex-wife's dad left her mom. I find that somewhat funny. Except this girl doesn't look like an anorexic meth addict. In fact, she is pretty hot, and the thought of being a lazy stay-at-home-do nothing-chain smoker probably doesn't appeal to her AT ALL.

Also, the ones that I have kissed, they kissed me first. Thank you equality movement!

Ok, now, back to doing a whole lot of nothing. I have barely had time to take a decent shit the last couple of, oh hell, months, and tonight, I am just going to chill. Word.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dating, Part Deux

Dear Diary:

So, as I had mentioned before I am exploring the world of online dating. I do have to say it is a bit intimidating. I basically put up some information about myself, threw up a couple of pictures of myself, and rolled the dice to see if anyone responds to me or seeks me out.

It's like torture, only without any physical scars (yet).

Now, as far as it is intimidating, it is also equally parts fun and exciting. These are women whom I would not have otherwise met. That is one downside of living in a metropolitan area. There are really great people out there, but the odds of you running into them and getting to know them are fairly small, if they exist at all. But, they are out there. Some of them in fact want the same things out of life as I do. Some of them are emotionally healthy. Some of them are cute even (although the really really really really hot one's seem to just pass on me, their loss).

So far, I have gone out with three different women, and I have another date tonight with someone new, and one more that wants to meet up. Here is a brief history:

Girl 1 - She was cute. She was also a smartass, and we could laugh at a lot of things. She also had mental issues, and when she drank, it was not pretty. Needless to say, we don't communicate anymore.

Girl 2 - She was funny, charming, cute, and we had a good conversation. I think I may get together with her some time this week, but nothing has been nailed down yet.

Girl 3 - She is my favorite by far so far. She is adorable, funny, and we seem to have a lot of the same things in common. She is also a Red Sox fan, which in my book is always a bonus. She went to school in the same city that I did, so we had a lot to talk about, and I enjoyed being with her. We are also going to try to get together again soon.

Girl 4 is tonight, and Girl 5 is later this week. There may be a Girl 6, and hell, there may even be a Girl 23. And of course that brings me down to my point. Dating is fun if you have no expectations. I think that if you go into the whole dating game looking for someone in particular (such as my future next ex-wife), you will get disappointed. I go into the whole thing with no expectations, and it has worked out well. It allows me to be more relaxed and be myself.

Now, as far as the myself that I am, I am well, me, except for one tiny bit of information. I do not disclose my divorce right away. I take the time to allow the woman I am with to get to know me. If after a time things are going well, that is when I will disclose the fact that I am divorced. I think they have a right to know (especially if things go very very well and I get engaged or something, since I have to bring the divorce decree to get a marriage license again, but that is jumping WAY ahead of myself). Like I said before, I am divorced, not damaged. If after I tell them these women bolt, then honestly, I think I dodged a bullet.

And that is all I have to say about that, for now...

Friday, July 3, 2009

Numbers

*Warning, the following may contain adult material*

Dear Diary:

Someone actually asked me not too long ago why I never wrote about my sexual adventures in Chapter 1 and I have been hesitant to write about them because some of the women I have slept with actually do know that I have this little project going on (yes I am an idiot, I already know, you do not need to tell me). But, I think I need to get this off my chest in order to just sort of face the fact that although I may be a good man, I have been a very very very fucking bad boy.

Since the end of May last year, I have slept with oh, shit, more than twenty different women. At least I think that is the number, because to be honest with you, I am having trouble keeping track these days. I do remember the first one I slept with after my ex. She was a chubby short girl from Hawaii who was in town for some type of conference and I fucked her in her hotel room.

Then, there was the college girl that I spent the better part of two months fucking. We would go at it all night, for like a week straight, until we could barely walk. We even made a game out of it one week counting the times we fucked and the number of orgasms she had during the course of a week. We hit about thirty times in six days, with her averaging four orgasms a pop, so you can do the math.

The fact is that after my ex-wife left, and when she told me that she enjoyed sex, just not with me, I apparently, subconsciously set out to prove to myself that I was indeed desirable. At one point, and this happened a few times actually, I would sleep with two different women within a twenty-four hour period. I needed to feel validated through sex because that was one major aspect of my former marriage that was lacking. Furthermore, the way it all played out was completely emasculating, so I needed to feel like a man again.

Now, the other side of that coin is pretty simple: I like to fuck. I like to eat pussy. Truth be told, I have gotten nothing but compliments in those departments too (well, except for one CRAZY bitch who wanted me to beat and punch and bloody her and pretty much torture the shit out of her while banging her, so she doesn't count). I found women that wanted me to fuck them. I am a guy, I have a penis, so what was I supposed to do? A fucking crossword puzzle?

Why am I telling you this? That is probably what you are wondering the most, right? Well, I am tired of sex without any real emotional connection. Honestly, it gets boring after a while. I mean shit, hell, the sex can be fucking fantastic, but in the end, I just feel bad on occasion. Now some of these women knew full well what the deal was, as far as having no strings attached fun, but, after a while, I still feel bad about it even though they may be fine with it. It feels as though I am being used, more so than me using them.

I am at the point where I want more, but I haven't been able to find that person to have that "more" with yet. It's like I am searching for something that I can't quite put my finger on. The only thing I do know is that I have not found it yet. The thing I fear now is that I have so compartmentalized sex that when I do find that woman, I am not going to be able to blend the emotional and physical together again.

That's kinda of sad really.