Friday, December 18, 2009

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow......

Dear Diary:

So, this weekend, the skies will open and take a gigantic snow filled shit right on top of the greater DC metropolitan area. This is both good, and bad, at the same time. Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first, shall we?

This area is filled with, and I mean chock full of, people who lose their fucking minds when they see snowflakes. It's frozen water people, not fire and brimstone! When this area gets more than a dusting (ok, even when it just gets a dusting), people suddenly, and inexplicably, think the world is coming to an end, and forget everything they have ever learned, particularly how to drive.

There are few things in the world more annoying to me, well, ok, nothing is more annoying to me, than people who cannot drive. I really learned how to drive in Boston, where there are two speeds: Move, and Get The Fuck Out Of My Way. But in Boston, they are responsible about it. They do not drive like they holding in explosive diarrhea during a snowstorm. But noooooooo, not in DC.

When it snows, people forget that cars can actually move forward. However, they also forget that driving 90mph with slick roads is a bad idea, as well as driving 30mph on the highway. For this reason, I am convinced the DC metropolitan area has the absolute worst drivers in the fucking country. Normally, I would advise people just to stay home, but wouldn't you know, some of them actually do.

But, before they do, they go to the grocery store and stock up 3 months worth of food like they were going to live in a bomb shelter as they waited for the Angel of Death to pass over them. There is something also frustrating about walking into a grocery store and instead of finding the loaf of bread that you wanted so you could make grilled cheese and tomato soup because it's warm and pleasant on a cold snowy day, you run into a Communist era food shortage. Ladies and gentleman of the DC metropolitan area, here is a tip for you: you, your spouse, your two kids, and your annoying little rat fuck of a toy poodle cannot possibly go through 36 gallons of water, 25 loaves of bread, and 90 rolls of toilet paper in 3 days. So please, save me a loaf of bread, and while your at it, some coffee. Oh, and at least a roll of toilet paper, the soft kind please. Is that too much to ask?

Now, on to the good things: Girl 7, a nice warm dinner, lying on the couch together, and watching the snow fall.

4 comments:

  1. The impending snow has fucked me out of a Saturday night date. But at least I have toilet paper!

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  2. Sorry...Jersey has the worst drivers on a consistant basis! Snow or no snow they are scary even out of their own state!

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  3. In Seattle, the drivers only freak out during the first snow of the season. And any snow thereafter. And the first rain of the season. And any rain thereafter. And the first dry day after any day of precipitation. And any day ending in a 'y'. Other than that, though, the drivers here are pretty calm and good natured.

    BTW, I lived in Boston for, oh, seven years or so. Learned how to drive a stick there. Here's the difference between Boston drivers and Seattle drivers. When a Boston driver cuts you off and runs you off the road at 90 mph, it's on purpose. When a Seattle driver gently sends you careening off a bridge, it's because they weren't paying attention. Both drivers will kill you just as dead, but the Seattle drivers aren't mean about it.

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  4. No, no, no. You ALL have it wrong. It's Phildelphia (actually, all of Pennsylvania) that has the worst drivers. And not just about rain or snow, oh no. Daylight Savings Time ends and the soccer moms freak out about driving in the dark.

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