Monday, August 31, 2009

UNLOADING

Dear Diary:

Can you please slap me in the fucking head? Just do it right fucking now. If you haven't figured it out, I am fucking royally pissed off. Irate even. While apparently Sunshine thinks we have chemistry, she doesn't think we have passion. Her explanation of passion is not wanting to rip each other's clothes off every time we see each other and not being able to keep our hands off each other.

So, let me get this straight. I am myself, and treat a woman with respect, kindness, don't let her walk over me so I look like a chump, and we have a great time together. The kisses we shared was like making out like high school kids, and every single time we were together in either of our apartments we were cuddled up like it was supposed to be that way. She told me she loved waking up next to me and asked me to promise to always kiss her goodnight.

Yet, and I quote, "I'm just not sure I could see us sleeping together."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Let me get this straight. Like I said earlier, I have been able to fuck at will for about a year. I still have women that I have fucked asking me to fuck them again. I treat them like fuck toys, don't really respect them (well, I respected a few of them), and take what I want, and yet they want me to keep fucking them. I play the asshole card, or more of the boy next door who is a bit of an aloof dick, and get laid.

But I actually am myself, who is really just a guy with a big heart who doesn't like to see people hurt, and I am told there is no passion. What the absolute fuck does that mean?

Does that mean I should continue to go through life faking it and treating women like they are there for me to use as my own personal amusement park? If you ask me, that is a shitty way to live and I can't bring myself to do that anymore. I sowed my wild oats, had the random hook-ups, brought women back to their hotel rooms and fucked them senseless. I cannot do it anymore (well, unless she were smoking hot...nah, still can't).

I am myself, and last week, everything was going great, and then she puts up a fucking wall larger than Troy, and I am still sitting here waiting for her to make a decision that she will never make. And the decision has NOTHING to do with sex. It has to do with taking her wall down and just experiencing something.

Bullshit, fuck this, FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Why do I seem to attract women who are emotionally unavailable, or flat out mentally unbalanced?

Fuck this fuck it fuck it fuck it. If I wanted to play games, I would have joined a softball league.

4 comments:

  1. The *right* woman will respect and love you for YOU, and anything less than that isn't real love. Consider yourself fortunate that she showed her true colors early on. Hang in there, this is not the end for you.

    Being that I'm a woman, it sort of makes me cringe that you are having so much casual sex...when you DO find the right lady, she may be appalled by that behavior. Quality women (and there are at least a few out there) will look for a man who exercises self control and doesn't sleep with anything in a skirt. That's just my 2 cents though. :)

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  2. If I knew the answer to this I could solve your problem as well as my own. Conversations about your love life had a tendency to either cause us to clash or leave me with my jaw on the floor and not in the good way...if there is a good way. The only thing I can tell you is the same thing I remind myself of "be patient my friend...this crap comes with the territory".

    I would like to persuade you to continue to do the right things. Women of quality appreciate it and are in search of this. For those of us who have been through what you're going through now it helps our hearts to know there are men out there who are interested in learning to do the right things.

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  3. I can understand you are pissed but just because you did everything by the gentlemen book doesn't mean it all lines up and everything works out. Chalk it up and move on. It seems you are either a male whore or a dignified gentleman and neither is working for you. How about just letting things happen naturally and keep your whits about you. Don't screw around like past behavior as that doesn't build any character and yes can be detrimental to future relationships. But on the other hand don't lay it on so thick and well behaved to only find out there really isn't enough there after all! When you had previously posted that you two hadn't progressed past the make out stage etc I kind of wondered as usually a couple has to fight the urge to go farther. As a woman...I have had to fight that feeling to hold off just a little longer to not appear slutty and then I have had guys where I wondered if I would feel that feeling and didn't and ended it. Nothing personal but if it isn't there ..it isn't! Some people actually take sex seriously.

    I almost want to tell you to NOT date/screw anyone for at least a month and just relax about it after that.

    Calling her mentally unbalanced because she doesn't want to have sex and might regret it is immature. It might have nothing to do with a wall etc. She probably doesn't feel it and at least she is telling you that instead of all of a sudden not returning calls etc! LOL

    Take a big boy pill and move on!

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  4. For the record, I wasn't referring to her as mentally unbalanced, but another woman, who has a mental illness, diagnosed by a doctor. And yes, I said it in a harsh tone because I was pissed

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