Ok, confession time again. I am falling for the girl I am seeing.
Yeah, I know, you may be thinking a couple of things. For instance, you may be thinking, "I am so happy for you!" Or you may be thinking, "wow, I don't know what to say." Or you may be thinking, "that's great news!" Or you may be thinking, "be careful."
The problem is, as I found out last night, although (the following is her nickname only from now on) Sunshine says she wants to be with me, Sunshine is not ready to be with me.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I want to be with her. She is unlike anyone I have ever met. I look forward to seeing her, and when I can't see her I find myself missing her. So basically, I have no idea what to do right now.
I found out this little bit of information last night. Monday, we went to a movie and had dinner at her place, followed by a ton of kissing and cuddling and just looking into each other's eyes. Monday was a fantastic evening. Last night, not so much.
We play this game where we just ask each other questions. Somehow, last night the topic turned to sex and how she wasn't ready for that. I totally respect that and don't want to make her feel obligated to sleep with me, and told her such. However, she asked what if she was never ready to? Then what?
That statement lead to a downward spiral where she told me what I wrote above.
So what did I do? I ate. Dammit, I ate until my stomach was hurting. I had sandwiches and baked potatoes. Now, everyone knows that eating carbs late at night is not a good idea, but I couldn't help myself. I felt so fucking shitty.
I just do not see how someone can say that they want to be with you, see a very real future with you, and at the same time say that they are not ready to be with you. My brain cannot wrap itself around that because I see an inherent contradiction. If you want something, go for it. There is no reward if there is no risk.
Life is about taking chances and making choices. She said that her life is about choices, and she knows that they all have consequences.
Unfortunately, this choice doesn't involve just her. It involves me now too. And the choice is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do to fix anything or make it better. When she feels overwhelmed, she runs.
So I am stuck.