Friday, July 3, 2009

Numbers

*Warning, the following may contain adult material*

Dear Diary:

Someone actually asked me not too long ago why I never wrote about my sexual adventures in Chapter 1 and I have been hesitant to write about them because some of the women I have slept with actually do know that I have this little project going on (yes I am an idiot, I already know, you do not need to tell me). But, I think I need to get this off my chest in order to just sort of face the fact that although I may be a good man, I have been a very very very fucking bad boy.

Since the end of May last year, I have slept with oh, shit, more than twenty different women. At least I think that is the number, because to be honest with you, I am having trouble keeping track these days. I do remember the first one I slept with after my ex. She was a chubby short girl from Hawaii who was in town for some type of conference and I fucked her in her hotel room.

Then, there was the college girl that I spent the better part of two months fucking. We would go at it all night, for like a week straight, until we could barely walk. We even made a game out of it one week counting the times we fucked and the number of orgasms she had during the course of a week. We hit about thirty times in six days, with her averaging four orgasms a pop, so you can do the math.

The fact is that after my ex-wife left, and when she told me that she enjoyed sex, just not with me, I apparently, subconsciously set out to prove to myself that I was indeed desirable. At one point, and this happened a few times actually, I would sleep with two different women within a twenty-four hour period. I needed to feel validated through sex because that was one major aspect of my former marriage that was lacking. Furthermore, the way it all played out was completely emasculating, so I needed to feel like a man again.

Now, the other side of that coin is pretty simple: I like to fuck. I like to eat pussy. Truth be told, I have gotten nothing but compliments in those departments too (well, except for one CRAZY bitch who wanted me to beat and punch and bloody her and pretty much torture the shit out of her while banging her, so she doesn't count). I found women that wanted me to fuck them. I am a guy, I have a penis, so what was I supposed to do? A fucking crossword puzzle?

Why am I telling you this? That is probably what you are wondering the most, right? Well, I am tired of sex without any real emotional connection. Honestly, it gets boring after a while. I mean shit, hell, the sex can be fucking fantastic, but in the end, I just feel bad on occasion. Now some of these women knew full well what the deal was, as far as having no strings attached fun, but, after a while, I still feel bad about it even though they may be fine with it. It feels as though I am being used, more so than me using them.

I am at the point where I want more, but I haven't been able to find that person to have that "more" with yet. It's like I am searching for something that I can't quite put my finger on. The only thing I do know is that I have not found it yet. The thing I fear now is that I have so compartmentalized sex that when I do find that woman, I am not going to be able to blend the emotional and physical together again.

That's kinda of sad really.

2 comments:

  1. I think it's normal to be a bit whoreish after a divorce. While it's not an emotional experience with the person you're having sex with, it is a way to work out some of your own emotional baggage.

    Glad to hear that you're ready for something more.....

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  2. From the day I left the Ex I went into a Girls Gone Wild Phase. It lasted for about 360 days. I remember that last night, or rather the morning. I woke up, put my clothes on and did the ho stroll out of his high rise condo. I did not like waving ashamedly to the doorman as I left the building. I knew I was done being fast and loose at that moment.

    I am so glad I am out of that phase, but I know exactly what you are talking about.

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