Thursday, May 28, 2009

Oh For Fuck's Sake

Dear Diary:

Have you ever had a moment that reminded you of something and all of a sudden your mind was back in a place that you can only wish you would forget? Have you ever had a realization that you wished never happened so that you would not go through life knowing how that realization made you feel, nor how it affected you? Because I sure as shit have.

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. On Saturday, I was taking a hike with AJ, and then we decided to hit the trail along the Potomac and it suddenly dawned on me that a year ago, this same weekend, my ex was in PA while she said the was at the beach, and then later house sitting in MD. When I later went through the bank statements when going through discovery, that is what I learned. And then it dawned on me.

How could she have lied like that? And then I got angry at myself. How could I have been such a fucking sucker not to have known what was going on? How the fuck could I have allowed anyone to treat me like that? Why the fuck didn't I find out who it was (if it was anyone, and I am pretty positive there was) and crack their fucking skull on the pavement? I mean, if there was another man (yup, pretty sure there was even though I have no proof and cheaters never admit they cheated), what type of fucking piece of lowlife human garbage goes after another person's spouse? How desperate for affection and attention does one have to be to go after another man's wife or another woman's husband?

All those bastards should be lined up against a wall and have to cut their own stomachs open and watch their intestines fall to the ground as far as I am concerned.

Ok, now that was pretty damn morbid wasn't it? Anyhow, that was Saturday.

Sunday was spent for the most part at a BBQ out at my friends' place near Annapolis. A bunch of us got together and just grilled and drank and talked. Aside from one other, everyone else was married. One couple has a baby and one is expecting. Of course, that made me think of where I could have been in my life had I not gotten a divorce, and I felt a bit lonely. So, when I got home, I did what many people who work a lot and have trouble meeting someone that clicks (because let's be honest, you can meet a lot of people at bars, but can you really get to know a person after they are already half in the bag), I pulled the trigger and joined a dating site.

Divorced and Dating 2.0 here I come.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Year 2

Dear Diary:

Ok, so, I know once again I am slacking big time. My last entry was about oh, what, 13 days ago? I mean, it's not like anyone was counting, right?

But anyway. The truth is, for the last three weeks or so I have been so unbelievably busy with work that I have not had time to do much else. This is a bit unfortunate, as I hit a couple of major milestones in my life (or they are major to me anyway). So, let's get down to the good stuff.

First of all, today is Day 2, Year 2, post ex. May 20th of last year was D-Day (Decision Day). I have made two days past one full year being out of a relationship with my ex-wife. Time has really flown by. I did realize that it had been a year the other day, but I was so busy with other shit flying around that I didn't have time to really write anything about it.

I cannot believe it has been one year already. So much has changed in my life in what seems like a relatively short period of time. It's almost amazing when you think about it. One year ago, or really a little over a year ago, I was a married homeowner, unfortunately blind to what was about to happen. I was so far removed from where I am now it almost seems like a cruel joke. If only I could go back in time and give some words of wisdom to the man I was then from the man I am now, maybe I wouldn't have been such a mess. But, I can't. I think the emotional wave was a good thing for me as I learned a lot about myself these past twelve months.

Also, yesterday, I got a major promotion, one which could possibly net me at least a $10,000 raise, if not more, if I am lucky. As I drove home yesterday, I realized that although I shared this news with some friends, I didn't have anyone who I loved to share the news with, and that made me a little lonely. But, on the bright side, I should be able to pay off my debt sooner than I had anticipated, and this is definitely a good thing. Furthermore, I can turn the new title and new responsibility into a nice job when I finally do decide to switch careers. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity and the challenges that will come with it.

And on that note, it's back to work I go.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Is This Funny Or Sad?

Dear Diary:

Today is May 9th. Three days ago would have been my third anniversary. And I did not realize this until last night. Typical guy right ladies?

Seriously though, the thought of my anniversary didn't even cross my mind. I guess I have been so busy dealing with stuff in the real world with work and paying bills (I just forked over part of my liver to my lawyer), that I just really wasn't paying any attention to the day.

I am not sure at this point whether that is funny, or incredibly sad. Unfortunately, once I did remember, I started remembering.

I mind wandered back to how much life has changed for me over the last year. I am divorced. I live alone. I come home to an apartment that I decorated myself, and I cook for myself. I wake up and go to the gym and go to work. I come home, and really do nothing. Yes, my life is incredibly boring.

But then I started to think about all the people that I have met over the last year that I would not have otherwise met had I not gone through this crucible. For that I feel fortunate as my life has become richer having those new people in my life.

I could name a few, but, should they stumble upon this, they may get embarrassed, so I will not name names. Ok, I am an ass, I will name names (not their real names obviously, I am not that much of an ass).

There is my Z, who wakes me up every morning with an inspiring hello.

There is Kelly, who is always there to listen.

There is Frank, who can bullshit, but be serious, and still have a good time, with the best of them.

And then of course there is AJ. I am still only friends with AJ, even though we tease and flirt, we are nothing more. Yup, I am still stuck in the "friends zone." Sucks to be me in this situation, trust me on that one.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ok Ok

Dear Diary:

Forgive me Diary, for I have sinned. It has been well over a week since my last entry.

Ahh fuck it.

Ok, as a warning to all who may stumble upon this, I have had a couple of beers tonight. Well, maybe more like 8, but who is counting really?

Secondly, I am a bit annoyed. I really do not know why, but I am annoyed nonetheless.

Now, there is a good reason why I have not written anything recently. Honestly, I have been working my fucking ass off and I do not want to hear it that I have some sort of responsibility to update you about my daily life on a day by day basis (ok, I probably do, but like I said, I have been drinking).

Anyway, the subject that I wanted to tell you about before that I have been putting off has to do with me. And it has to do with something that some may not really grasp because they see another side of me.

I am shy, I mean really shy.

This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I moved around a lot as a kid. It seemed as though I was in a new school about every three years, and it was difficult having to make friends over and over and over again, so I withdrew into myself because it was the only place I really ever felt safe. And this has proven to be the absolute hardest thing for me to overcome.

Now don't get me wrong, in small groups, with people that I know and am comfortable with, I do just fine. But, put me in a large group by myself and have me fend for myself and I am the guy that ends up in the corner of the room sipping his drink and watching people.

I think that is why this exercise is a bit healthy (or it may be detrimental, too early to tell). In this type of forum, my mind can roam free, without the need to censor myself and I can just let loose.

When my father told a good friend of mine that I was getting married, my buddy seemed shocked, and told my dad that he never thought it would happen because he thought I would never go out and actually find someone.

Kind of says a lot about me doesn't it?