Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear Me

Dear Diary:

As promised....

Hey You, Again:

So, had fun in 2009 didn't you? Yeah, I know you did. Maybe even a little bit too much fun in some people's eyes, but, don't let their opinions of you form the way you identify yourself.

If you think 2009 was a good year (and I know you do because I am you), then get ready, and hold on to your britches, because 2010 is going to be even better.

Around early February, you will once again be a homeowner. You will also no longer be in debt. Well, a mortgage is a debt, but it is a good type of debt to have. And look at your house! I must say, you did an excellent job putting it together. Don't you remember what it looked like back in June? Well, if you didn't, let me remind you: it was a shit hole. Remember that kitchen, and how it was so dated? Now look at it - stainless steel everything! Yeah, I know you were frustrated that it didn't get finished as fast as you wanted it, and I know your back hurt like a bastard from all the painting, but you did a fantastic job, and when you go to sell the place (which I wouldn't because the rent you can get or the building will always be more than the mortgage), you will make a nice little profit.

How do you like that brand new SUV you got? Yeah, I know you thought about it for a while, and it was a difficult decision to go out and buy a brand new vehicle when the one you had worked fine, and was a solid car. But, you didn't pick out that old car as much as you picked it out with your ex-wife. It never really said "me" when you were driving it, and that shiny new black SUV with the sunroof surely reflects your personality. So I am glad you finally dumped that last vestige of your marriage. Besides, you won't EVER have to have to shovel your way out of anything with 4-wheel drive!

And you FINALLY quit dipping. I know it was tough. I know this because you couldn't do it in 2009, but you did it. All the money you saved you put toward a vacation fund, and you finally made it to Hawaii. Not only did you make it to Hawaii, you flew first class, you fucking bad ass. The very long weekend you took in Hawaii was fantastic, and you loved every minute of it. Oh, and do you remember what you did there? I hope you do, because I am not going to tell you!

Also, you got your ass back to the gym after a three month hiatus. Yes, I know you were busy with working on the house and life in general, and the fact that you completely fucked up your back at the end of 2009 didn't help matters any, but you made it back. You got into running, with the help of your trusty iPod, and you even ran a couple road races, so hats off to you. Now, that you are in good shape, do yourself a favor, and go get that back waxed! No woman really wants to fuck a gorilla, just sayin'.

Now, I will tell you this. There is a lot that happened to you in 2010 that words cannot describe, so I am not going to take the time to try to describe them, as some things are better left to wonder. But I will say that you did good kid.

I'm proud of you.

Sincerely,

Yourself

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009: A Year In Review

Dear Diary:

I sit here on the verge of a new year. As such, I thought I would look back and see what I accomplished, if anything, during 2009. And, I am taking a shortcut by using the letter I wrote to myself almost one year ago (it will be a year tomorrow) to see how I measured up. The original letter is as follows, and can be found in Chapter 1. Comments will be in bold italics. And here we go............

Hey You,

Welcome to the first year of the rest of your life. Your life as you knew it is over. Deal with it, move forward, forgive but never forget. Jesus I was a harsh motherfucker wasn't I?

Why do I tell you never to forget? I tell you this because for you to forget would mean for you to forget all the lessons that you have learned. You should never forget those lessons. You should not forget how the words and actions of X2B made you feel. Not so much so that you can dwell on them, but so that you can realize that they were just words and actions of a broken human being who was using you to make herself feel better. You deserve more, and in this upcoming year, maybe you will even find it. However, don't be a sorry sack of shit feeling bad about yourself if you don't. You are a prize, and any woman would be lucky to call you her partner. You are loyal and thoughtful, you are kind and sincere. You are a rock, and one day a woman will have the key to your heart, but do not go giving it away freely. Words to live by really. It is an amazing thing confidence will do to a person. And I can say that I have it. Some call it cockiness, but it isn't. To me, cockiness is just spouting off at the mouth. Confidence is knowing that you can back your shit up.

Yes, you had a bad 2008, but you are still alive. You have come so far from where you were in March. Remember the nights out drinking so that you could forget and dull the pain? Yes, those are gone. Remember the constant crying because you could not believe what was happening to you? Yes, those are gone as well. Remember doubting yourself everyday, thinking that there was something inherently wrong with you because you felt that no one really loved you? Those are gone because you have come to the realization in 2009 that you must love yourself first, and then everything has a way of falling into place. Word. Yup, no more crying, and no more feeling sorry for myself. And amazingly, things have fallen into place better than I could have possibly dreamed them.

Now, look at what you accomplished in 2009. You quit dipping. Yes, I know that it wasn't easy, but it was time. Not to mention no woman really wants to kiss a guy with worm dirt in his mouth. And look at it this way, by quitting dipping, you saved $1,750 this year on just not buying tobacco products. You were able to bank that money and help yourself pay down the large debt that you incurred to get the divorce finished. So hats off to you buddy, that was a major step. Um, yeah, about that. No, I didn't quit dipping. Yes, I know it is a fucking disgusting habit, and yes I know women do not find it attractive, and blah blah blah. It's not easy to quit. However, I will say that the more time I spend with any woman I am dating, the less I do it, and there have been times that I have gone considerable amounts of time without one. But then I get bored, and I do it again. I also don't want to consider how much money I have spent in the last year on it, but I imagine it is somewhere in the ballpark of $1,500. So, I am quitting, next year. I swear (psst, I have good reason to that doesn't just involve my health).

You also got to know who you really are as a human being and as a man. You know who you are and what you want, and I think at this point (if you were lucky enough, because let's face it, you need to be lucky in this one) you might have even met a woman who you want to be with for the long haul. I don't tell you this because you might actually have her in your physical presence, but more because you know now, without a shadow of a doubt, in your heart and in your mind what type of woman you want to be with. And that is important. Yup, learned all it. Damn I am, as I would say in a Bostonian accent, WICKED SMAHHT.

Also, look at you now you sexy beast. You made it a point to get off your ass, stop eating everything that tasted good that wasn't good for you (well, you did have some cravings that you gave into, but since it wasn't every day, you get a pass), you lost weight, got toned, and are healthy. No more not shopping at stores like J Crew and Banana Republic because the clothes they have do not fit you. No more feeling sorry about your appearance. Fuck, no more feeling sorry about yourself. Did it take a while to do it? Yes, but all your hard work paid off now didn't it? I am pretty proud of you (or is it proud of me?) that you did this for yourself and you did it on your own. Did you have some inspiration, yes, and you know who that was because you want her badly, but don't get too ahead of yourself there sport. Inspiration is good, but you didn't get all weird and shit, so high five to that. I mean, don't you feel better about yourself when you go to the beach and take off your shirt? Yeah, I know, you are still hairy, and the back wax was not the most comfortable thing in the world, but shit, you look good, enjoy it. The tan looks good on you. Ok, so this didn't exactly plan out the way I had hoped. I got so busy with dating, and working on the house, and my regular job, that I barely had time to sleep, eat, and shit, much less work out on a daily basis. However, I was running up to 3 miles a day, and that was quite an accomplishment. Furthermore, I was lifting weights like a crack fiend and put on a considerable amount of muscle mass, so, I am more toned, and it has improved my overall attitude toward my body, but there is more work to be done. And I think I will be finished by October 2010.

Now, was 2009 a challenging year? Of course it was. You were trying to find your place in this world, and everything was in essence new to you. That was ok, and there was nothing wrong with that. You had some tough choices to make, but you felt good about the decision making process that ultimately led you to make your decisions. You always knew that life wasn't perfect, that there would be challenges, but one of the things that you learned the most this past year was that those challenges are not the end of the world. Things did get better with time. You are a happier and more emotionally healthier person you were during 2008, and that is a grand accomplishment. Fuck yeah it is, and fuck yeah I am!

You also stopped being a pansy ass and stood up for yourself, what you believed in, what was important to you, and who was important to you. You have always been a shy man, and there is nothing wrong with that, but in 2009 you came out of your shell and let the world in. Little did you know just how much you were going to let the world in, but you are where you are now and your life is fuller and richer for it. This is true as well, and I did just that. I definitely did some things that I normally wouldn't have done, and I can say that both my personal and professional lives are better for it.

Now, I really do not know what else to tell you other than I am proud of you. There are obviously things I am not telling you now because you don't need to be told some things for they are better off left to the imagination and discovery. Call me an asshole for that if you will (you'd be calling yourself one idiot), but such is life. There is no road map to it, so there are just some things that you are going to have to figure out for yourself. Fuck this bullshit, I want a road map! Particularly when it comes to dating (which by the way, I am having a ball with).

Now, stop reading me. You are in Hawaii and that beautiful brunette you have waiting for you to go down to the beach and kiss to a new year is waiting for you, and trust me, you do not want to keep her waiting. 2009 was good, 2010 is going to be even better. (Hey, I can hope for you that this happens while you read this, I mean, I am you, and I can dream just as well as you can). Ok, so I am not in Hawaii. In fact, I am back in DC. But, tomorrow night, when 2010 rolls around, I will indeed be kissing in the new year with a beautiful brunette. 2009 was a good year. If 2010 is any better, and all signs are pointing toward it, then life is indeed, good. In fact, life is very good.

Signed,

Yourself

Stay tuned, my next letter to myself comes tomorrow....

Friday, December 18, 2009

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow......

Dear Diary:

So, this weekend, the skies will open and take a gigantic snow filled shit right on top of the greater DC metropolitan area. This is both good, and bad, at the same time. Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first, shall we?

This area is filled with, and I mean chock full of, people who lose their fucking minds when they see snowflakes. It's frozen water people, not fire and brimstone! When this area gets more than a dusting (ok, even when it just gets a dusting), people suddenly, and inexplicably, think the world is coming to an end, and forget everything they have ever learned, particularly how to drive.

There are few things in the world more annoying to me, well, ok, nothing is more annoying to me, than people who cannot drive. I really learned how to drive in Boston, where there are two speeds: Move, and Get The Fuck Out Of My Way. But in Boston, they are responsible about it. They do not drive like they holding in explosive diarrhea during a snowstorm. But noooooooo, not in DC.

When it snows, people forget that cars can actually move forward. However, they also forget that driving 90mph with slick roads is a bad idea, as well as driving 30mph on the highway. For this reason, I am convinced the DC metropolitan area has the absolute worst drivers in the fucking country. Normally, I would advise people just to stay home, but wouldn't you know, some of them actually do.

But, before they do, they go to the grocery store and stock up 3 months worth of food like they were going to live in a bomb shelter as they waited for the Angel of Death to pass over them. There is something also frustrating about walking into a grocery store and instead of finding the loaf of bread that you wanted so you could make grilled cheese and tomato soup because it's warm and pleasant on a cold snowy day, you run into a Communist era food shortage. Ladies and gentleman of the DC metropolitan area, here is a tip for you: you, your spouse, your two kids, and your annoying little rat fuck of a toy poodle cannot possibly go through 36 gallons of water, 25 loaves of bread, and 90 rolls of toilet paper in 3 days. So please, save me a loaf of bread, and while your at it, some coffee. Oh, and at least a roll of toilet paper, the soft kind please. Is that too much to ask?

Now, on to the good things: Girl 7, a nice warm dinner, lying on the couch together, and watching the snow fall.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Morning

Dear Diary:

For me, there is something very tender about waking up next to a woman for the very first time.

There is something very warm about the feeling of her bare skin against my chest as I wrap my arms around her after hitting snooze on the alarm clock. The feel of her hand at it traces my arm, and her face nuzzled into my neck, feeling her breath on me as I smell her hair.

Then of course there is that first morning kiss where you keep your lips closed because you both know you have morning breath and don't want to gross each other out.

It's a wonderful feeling really.

And I am sure you wondering what prompted this as I have not written in a while. Well, things with Girl 7 are going very well. We are getting along great, and enjoying spending time together. This past weekend, we met up on Saturday and walked around the city for a bit, checking out all the holiday decorations and such. Then we went back to her place to make dinner and watch a movie.

And then we made out like fucking teenagers. For like, oh hell, hours. And then she suggested that we move to her bedroom, because you know, a bed is more comfortable than a couch. And then she suggested that I should just spend the night.

And that is what I did. I slept with her, literally.

Now, from past experiences that I have mentioned, you might be surprised that we didn't do what you may think we did. But the truth is we didn't that night.

The other truth is that I slept there two nights in a row, and on the second night, what you think might have happened didn't happen either. And that was fine by me, because I got to wake up next to her two days in a row.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

45 Minutes

Dear Diary:

I saw Girl 7 again on Friday night. I think this was the 4th date if I have my math right (and if I can't count to 4, I have a serious problem).

I picked her up at her place. Now that I am living in DC, I have to battle the rush hour traffic, but surprisingly enough, there was none on a Friday night. I managed to gun it practically the entire way there, and the only time I had to stop was because of traffic lights. I will gladly accept that this may have been a good omen.

This was the first date after our first kiss. When I picked her up, we didn't hug, or kiss, or even shake hands. I am finding that the date after the first kiss is comical, or at least the beginning is, because it's like no one knows how they are supposed to react. So anyway, I being the gentleman (hard to believe right?) that I am, opened the car door for her, and off we went.

We went to check out National Harbor. They have this huge Christmas thing going on, with lights, decorations, a tree that has a light show, and even people dressed up as elves and shit doing a live stage show outside (in the cold, and they look like idiots but the little kids like them).

Now, I like National Harbor. It isn't a bad place at all, and once more people actually go there, it will be a great place to hang out. The only downside is that there are not many places to eat and drink. For instance, we went to some place that had good old American food, and a mechanical bull you could ride if you wanted everyone to clap and laugh at you, and the wait was an hour. So, we went across the street, and the wait was an hour. Apparently you need a reservation to get a club sandwich.

So, we went back across the river. We walked around a bit, and then found a place to eat that seemed cozy and quiet. Now, Girl 7 is my height, so of course we were seated a way that had me in a short chair and her on a high bench. Because that is obviously the thing to do so that I look like a midget and she looks like a giant. Needless to say, we got a good laugh out of it.

Anyway, I know I am rambling, but we walked around and then I brought her home, and she invited me in and we talked a bit and she made a dessert that she had brought home from her trip home for Thanksgiving and it was buttery, sugary goodness. Then we stood next to each other, not saying a word. So I did what I wanted to do all night.

I pulled her close and kissed her, and as we stood, we kissed, for roughly 45 minutes. We just stood there, kissing, and occasionally laughing, but for the most part we kissed. It was tender, passionate, pleasurable, warm, seductive, and hell, it was everything it could have and should have been.

I see her again Tuesday.

On another note, I am dead tired from working on my house, and I just want the damn thing finished. I sealed brick all weekend, ran errands, got a stainless steel table to use and in island in the kitchen (it looks kick ass by the way), and barely had time to breath. But I want to get it all done, and as soon as possible.

So I can invite Girl 7 over for dinner.

Monday, November 30, 2009

One Year

Dear Diary:

Roughly a year ago I moved into an 800+ square foot apartment. Yesterday I turned in my keys.

That apartment served me well. If you can believe it, it was the very first apartment that I had rented on my own. Prior to that point I had rented places owned by my family or, with my ex-wife, had owned property.

That apartment was a first for a lot of reasons. Although my friend Kelly was the property manager, I still had to apply and fill out all the paperwork. I still had to pay rent. I still had to set up utilities in my name. I paid for the moving company. I did it on my own. I look at that apartment as a proving ground for my independence.

A year ago, I remember crying the first night I slept in that apartment because I could simply not believe that my life had turned out the way it did. My marriage was destroyed and had a one way ticket to divorce. My home was gone. I was broke and barely making it. And even though I had a new bunch of friends as well as all of my old ones, I had never felt so fucking alone in my life.

But I had learned to love that place and all the lessons that it taught me about myself. I spent a lot of time writing those first few months I was in that place and I think the completely different scenery did me well. I can remember two of my oldest friends visiting once or twice and my dads only saw the place twice. My brother only saw the place once. Other than that it was pretty much myself, my thoughts, and my work (with the occasional visit from Kelly or a female guest....).

Now I am lying in bed in my new place. Sure its needs a lot of work (finished stairs, paint, bricked sealed, banister, shower door custom built, etc) but I am looking forward to making this place my home for the next few years. The ironic thing is that once the mortgage kicks in it will cost me less to own this house than it did for me to rent last year.

And although I am on my own, I am in a much better place both emotionally and financially that I was a year ago, and for that I pat myself on the back, as well as thank all the good fucking luck I had the last year.

So to my old apartment I say I will miss you, but I will not miss sitting in fucking traffic for an hour every morning on they way to work. That there was some bullshit.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Um, What Was I?? Oh Yeah!

Dear Diary:

You know, it is amazing the things we forget and the things we remember.

I remember my third birthday. I had a cake with white frosting and blue and yellow flowers. We ate it and celebrated in my grandparents' back yard near their pool.

I remember my first bike. My dad bought it for me. It was a Huffy. It was black. I got it when I was about 5 and it served me well for years. I also remember cracking my head open on a stone ledge when the training wheels got stuck in a crack on the sidewalk.

I remember playing in the mud and making mud pies the post holes that were dug in my back yard when my dad and his friend built a wooden fence. I was about 3 or 4.

I remember my second grade teacher because I thought she looked like a real live witch.

I remember going to the horse track with my grandfather to watch the horses train early in the morning. I also remember fishing with him and my baby brother. And waking up to him making honey roasted peanuts in the morning. It was when I was 3 through 5.

I remember my first kiss. I remember how to spell the last name of my best friend when I was in the fourth grade. I remember when I became the fat kid. I remember moving around a lot growing up.

I remember the first time I met my best friend. It was 8th grade during football practice

I remember how my ex-wife smelled the day I proposed to her. I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I remember the first time I told her I loved her.

I remember her laughing as we took each others clothes off because we were having a great time and were so happy to see each other after a month while I stayed in a hotel while she was still in college.

And I remember how she looked at me like something was bothering her when we went to sleep the night she came home from a business trip and everything went downhill from there.

So why couldn't I remember one of the most important things in the world, simple fucking coffee filters, when I made a trip to my apartment to pick up my coffee maker?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and if there isn't a coffee shop open, I am going to be one annoyed human being.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Silence

Dear Diary:

I am convinced there are two types of people in the world: those that enjoy silence and those that are annoyed by it.

I enjoy silence. As I write this (another mobile installment, so you know the rules) I am sitting on my couch in a completely quiet house.

It is raining outside. The only sounds I hear are of the rain drops hitting the pavement and the sound of the random cars driving past the front of my house on the slick road. There is the random creak of the house and nothing else.

I have no cable. I have no Internet. I have no music because the docking station is still packed while my crew continues to work. There is nothing except the sound of silence, with the occasional aforementioned disruption.

It is peaceful.

I enjoy the silence. It allows me to be at one with my thoughts. This is a silence I cherish.

There is another type of silence, but one where words are communicated without ever saying them. This is the silence when you look into a lover's eyes and the look says everything you want to say for you. I cherish this silence as well. It is also the silence I miss on occasion.

Right now I will settle for the rain.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

And Here We Go Again....

Dear Diary:

Girl 7 and I had our third date tonight. Friday she had asked that if I wanted to have dinner at her place Sunday (tonight), that is if I managed to give myself a break from unpacking. I of course said I would love to, which brings me to tonight.

I had dinner at her place tonight. I have to say her apartment is pretty damn awesome and she made me feel very comfortable. She went all out really with dinner and dessert (she even makes her own ice cream!) and I had a great time.

Now the funny thing about a first kiss is there is so much riding on it when you think about it. The timing has to be there. The moment has to be right. Even when you sense that both parties are heading in that direction, one simple miscue can throw it all off. You also don't want to get carried away with the first one. No one wants to fuck up a first kiss. Anyone who says they don't care about it is full of shit in my book.

I was nervous about kissing her and I don't know why. I haven't had any trouble with my recent first kisses but this one had me thrown off a bit.

She had given me my jacket and I put it on to leave and when we hugged goodbye we kissed. Her kiss felt well, good, but more than good. Refreshing? Warm? Peaceful? It is hard to really describe but I definitely did like it.

Now, another thing about Girl 7, and I mentioned this briefly before, is that she frew up in the same state my ex-wife grew up. Let me be more specific. The two of them grew up about 45 minutes away from each other.

For some reason I am having an interesting time dealing with this reality. It's not a bad thing, but it is so random and ironic that it seems a bit off. I am definitely not holding this agaist Girl 7 by any means, but it sure as hell will make for an interesting conversation when the subject of my divorce comes up.

Speaking of that, I have gotten input from friends and coworkers (and even you) about when is the best time to bring that up. One has said that it should be brought to light before I sleep with a woman. Another has said don't say anything until I have dated a woman for a while. Another has said it's no one's business really. Another has said be upfront about it. But when?

I don't hide from my divorce. It has turned out to be the best thing that could've happened to me. But there is that fear in the back of my head that reminds me that some will judge me for something that I endured. That somehow it is a reflection on me that I am divorced and it really isn't.

I mean, I cannot be sorry for the hand I was dealt if I ended up winning the pot right?

(Written on a crackberry. If the above made no sense, well tough shit)

Picking Staples Out Of Stairs

Dear Diary:

This is the first experiment with mobile blogging so if shit does not make sense, just roll with it.

I sit here on my stairs in the new house. There are boxes everywhere and contractor bags filled with garbage. Just the type of place you want to move into right?

I just spent the last hour picking staples out of the staircase. These staples are left from demolition when the carpet was ripped up. This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It is a bit surreal living in a house again. I feel grown up and independent. I feel responsible. I feel vindicated.

The house is a decent sized two bedroom, one and a half bath place. The only downside is that the vast majority of the furniture I own is two big for the place. I need to buy a new couch and a new entertainment center. The bookcases I have are pretty worthless at the moment because there is no plave to put them. Oh and I need to also buy a bed for the guestroom. Ikea here I come.

The granite counter top for the kitchen was installed yesterday and looks, for lack of a better word, absofuckinglutely amazing. Black granite with dark cabinets and stainless steel appliances. Jackpot.

The only downside to the kitchen at the moment is that the wall cabinets are too high and are being lowered Tuesday, so I can't unpack most of the kitchen stuff, nor can I cook anything since nothing is turned on.

I slept here last night for the first time. It is an interesting experience to sleep in a new place the first night. It takes a little while to get adjusted to the sounds of the house as well as the sounds of the city outside. To hear the cars driving at two in the morning, the occasional yelling outside late at night, ahh how I have missed this.

Now I am waiting for my washer and dryer to be delivered and once that is done, I have everything I need (well except for the shower door I need custom built). So with that I am going to get back to unpacking and cleaning.

Anyone want some furniture?

Friday, November 20, 2009

T-Minus

Dear Diary:

It is approximately 12:45 EST as this is written on a Friday afternoon. In less than 24 hours, the moving truck will come and the crew will load my shit and carry it to my new house.

And it's about fucking time.

Now, for the record, the house isn't done. I do not have a shower door yet, and have to get one custom made. The stairs are completely rough, and have to be redone. I have to fix some stuff in the kitchen, and the counter top arrives Saturday afternoon. I also still have a lot of painting to do, and some touch up plastering of the walls.

But, the basics are done to the point that I can move in. Jackpot.

Also, as I write this, I realize my life is incredibly boring....

------------

Girl 7 and I had our second date last night. We met up in her neighborhood and went to a restaurant that neither she nor I had been to before, but it came recommended. The food was fantastic, and dinner lasted three hours. Fortunately, we left and got into our cars right before a torrential downpour. I swear, it was like a damn monsoon outside.

Anyway, I really enjoyed our date, and apparently she did to, or at least that is what her E-mail to me said this morning when she asked me if I wanted to take a break from the whole move and head over to her place for dinner this weekend. Once again:

Jackpot.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Girl 7

Dear Diary:

I had a date tonight.

I had a date tonight with a very intelligent woman.

We drank Pinot Noir and talked.

She has a great laugh, and is an interesting person.

Oh, and she is...........FUCKING GORGEOUS!

(Doing the happy dance)

Now, when I say she is intelligent, I am in no way bullshitting you. She has a very interesting job doing something that she enjoys and is passionate about. She laughed at some of the stupid shit I said (and believe me, there was plenty since I was nervous as hell), and I enjoyed hanging out with her. As we parted, she said we should do it again sometime. I am definitely interested in seeing her again, but I guess time will tell. She is five years younger than I am, but that's no big deal in my book.

One thing though is that if she was just being nice, then that's ok too. I am not going to feel bad about it.

Oh, another thing, she is from the same state that my ex-wife is from. Talk about irony.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Words

Dear Diary:

Words are funny things. I like them because they are funny things. I like the fact that I can rearrange them to fit certain situations. I like the fact that I can speak them and say nothing, or I can speak them and say everything.

But they are just words. Or are they?

My ex used to say it doesn't matter what you say if there is no action when we were working on the whole marriage thing. When she was leaving, and during the divorce, she blamed my words, not so much my actions. Talk about a Catch-22.

Now why do I say this? Because it's the words we ultimately remember.

Ever hear of Homer? Plato? Aristotle? You couldn't pick Plato out of a line-up if you could go back in time, but you have probably heard, and were also able to understand the allegory of the cave.

Words are timeless.

They can mold, they can enlighten, they can illuminate, and truly create something beautiful. They can also tear down, they can deceive, they can destroy, and they can conquer.

But they really do not mean shit unless you want them to. It's kind of ironic that they are arguably the most powerful tool at one's disposal, but at the same time only have power if power is given to them. Furthermore, what one may want his or her words to convey, they are always subject to interpretation. So, I could say or write something that I believe to be extremely profound, and it could be completely diminished by whomever is listening. Words are powerful, yet fragile at the same time. They are yin and yang. They are chaos. They are art.

I guess that's why I feel words are so important. They are so versatile, that they can mean nothing to anyone except the person who used them, because they are entirely our own, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

And that is fucking empowerment if you ask me.

(This message has been brought to you by someone waiting for his caffeine to kick in)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Sushi

Dear Diary:

I love sushi. I mean, I really really love sushi. There is something so simple, yet elegant about a nice piece of sushi. I didn't always like sushi. In fact, there was once a time where the thought of sushi made me want to vomit.

I can remember the very first time I had a piece of sushi. This happened probably about eight years ago. I was out with a bunch of friends whom I have known since I was in high school. We went to some place in Clarendon, and I cannot remember the name of it right now. One of my buddies ordered a couple pieces of sushi, and when I made a disgusted face, he had me try one. It was tuna. I ate it. I thought it was fucking horrible.

Fast forward a few years, and my ex was working in Seattle for a week. I took a trip out to visit her as I had never been to the city, and we had a nice little vacation. My ex liked sushi, and since we were on the Pacific Rim, I figured there was no better place in the States to try some sushi.

I went all in. I had nigiri, as well as maki, and I fell in love with it. The only sushi I will not try is eel, because it just does not look appetizing. However, I have become a big fan of baby octopus.

Anyway, last night after running around all day buying appliances and working with my HVAC guy, I was tired, and craving sushi. There is this great place near me in Alexandria, Kyoto Sushi, and it has become my "go to" sushi place when I have a craving. If you want some good sushi, you should check this place out.

I showed up about an hour before closing, after not having eaten anything all day. I can pretty much eat a ton of the stuff, and honestly, could eat it every day if I had a bottomless bank account. The sushi chefs there recognize me because when I do go there, it is generally on a day when I haven't eaten anything else, and well, let's just say I enjoy it.

You are probably wondering why I am writing about sushi. It is a completely random topic to write about right?

The thing I love most about sushi is that I can sit at the sushi bar and eat alone, and not feel alone. I do not have to sit at a table with more than one chair and see other tables filled with couples and families. I do not have to have a conversation with anyone if I do not want to. I can be by myself, with my thoughts, and the wonderful tastes of what is in front of me. I can laugh with the sushi chef, and I can talk to him as he prepares the feast. I can focus on his mastery of the knife and his delicate movements that create something so simple yet amazing.

It's quality "me" time if you ask me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Exhaustion

Dear Diary:

Have you ever felt like you could just use a break? I mean, a break from everything? Because if you have, you know where I am coming from.

I am dead tired, both physically and emotionally. I have hit my limit as far as what I can take at one time. Balancing work, renovations, dating (err rather, dating limbo), family in town for a wedding, and well life in general has been a real battle.

As a result of this balancing act, the one thing I forgot to take care of was myself. I have been drinking more than normal, and have been eating crap that I shouldn't eat because it was convenient. I have not had the chance to go for a run in two and a half weeks because after I am done everything for the day, I do not have the energy to take a shit much less exercise. As a result, I have gained about 9 pounds. All the hard work that I had done was erased in a week and a half. So, that is a bit depressing.

So, I need to get to the gym. But how? When? Not only do I have to get this fucking house done and deal with work, but I also have to pack because the moving truck is coming on the 21st. I have no idea how I am going to pull this off, but I really do not have a choice.

On the dating front, I am taking a break. Girl 6 has, for lack of a better term, completely blown me off. I was upset about this, but, there isn't much I can do about it. I just wish I hadn't had slept with her.

I would like nothing more right now that to hope a plane to Mexico and stay in a hotel with an ocean front room and wake up every morning to a nice hot cup of coffee while sitting on the balcony listening to the waves come in. But the odds of that being able to happen right this second are about as good as me winning the lottery tonight.

Another thing I have not had much time to do is catch up on all the other divorce related blogs that are out there, and there are some good ones. I feel like I should be reading them more, either to just check up on some of my readers, or to offer a word or two to let them know that they aren't alone. However, with the mental state I am in, I don't think I could offer anything that would make any sense.

Fuck, I don't even know what else to say here, how am I supposed to say something else somewhere else?

I need a nap.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ouch...

Dear Diary:

I was supposed to have a date tonight with Girl 6, but she is sick, and had to cancel. So since I have nothing to do tonight, I figured I would write a bit, because well, I need to.

Today started off like any other day, well, any other weekend day recently, as I started working on the house around 10am. I got in a solid five hours of painting, and the place is really shaping up. Around the time I started is when I got the text that tonight had to be called off, which was fine. I really like this particular girl, and if she was sick, she is sick, and there really isn't much I can do about that.

So anyway, back to painting I went. My buddy was going to come help me, but his hip was bothering him, so it was just me and my paint brush, and some really fucking expensive paint. The stuff I am using is about $55 a gallon. Now, you might think I am crazy for using such expensive stuff, but it is self priming, so it is saving me time because I only need two coats, rather than three to four if I had to buy paint and primer separate. So, I got the kitchen finished, and a bedroom finished. The only thing I need to do in the kitchen in the immediate future is paint the trim above where the cabinets are going to go, and once that is done, I can stop painting for a while.

Anyway, I got home, scrubbed the paint off my skin until it was red and raw, and thought I would log on to (nope, not saying it, because they don't fucking pay me) one of the more popular social networking sites on the web, and see what everyone was up to. Then, I got a wild idea of adding Girl 6 as a friend, and added her.

When I added her, I apparently could see her profile, even though she hasn't confirmed me yet. I saw that she wrote that she wished she could find a normal guy, written today.

My heart sort of sank when I saw that, and completely ruined my mood for the day. But, such is life I guess.....

Friday, October 16, 2009

Boo

Dear Diary:

Admit it, you missed me. You cannot deny it. You have been wondering what I have been up to. You have been wondering if I am completely gone from this little exercise. You have been wondering if I died in some horrific car crash. You have been wondering what the hell has been keeping me so damn busy that I couldn't speak to you.

Well, stop wondering. Because I have never left, I have just been swamped.

You know, life has a funny way of just, well, happening. When it does happen, you are not always prepared for it. Hell, sometimes you think you are prepared for it, and then when it actually happens, you realize that you weren't even close to being prepared. But it's life, so you roll with the punches, take your hits, deliver some blows, and move on the best you can.

I had quite a bit of a shock the last couple of weeks to tell you the truth. The house I am working on is technically not mine, it is my dad's. It's his little project really, and I am just managing it. However, that being said, he wants me to buy it from him, and if the price is right, not only will I have a mortgage again, but he will eliminate the roughly $20,000 that I owe him as a result of him bailing me out financially from my divorce, and he will give me a refund of possibly $25,000 at closing.

Yes, you heard me correctly. What I said is what he told me. Even if he doesn't kick me back any money, I will own a house (which is pretty fucking nice at the moment, you should see the floors!), and be out of debt to him. When it actually hit me that my financial nightmare could be over by February, I literally cried.

You know, I really do think that with the entire process of divorce, the actual emotional damage and the legal process itself is the easy part to deal with. The aftermath, particularly the financial aftermath, can linger for quite some time. Once the emotional hurdle is cleared, you literally have to reset everything. Your living and spending habits, your debt management, your cash flow, all of it needs to be reevaluated and reset to work within your new reality. Once that sets in, and if you are like me, see nothing but an endless string of interest payments, it can bring you down a bit.

I mean, consider this. In April of 2008, I was completely debt free. My student loans were paid off. I had no credit card bills. Life was financially manageable, and I even had money in savings. And now, I still seem to be struggling. My credit card payment is at least $300 a month, and I don't charge anything anymore, and I still have about $20,000 that I need to pay my dad. I went from zero to roughly $30,000 in the hole in roughly six months, and my savings was completely eviscerated. Basically, I was where I was when I graduated college. I had my whole financial life set back a decade.

And now, in a matter of months, it could all be over. I could be completely back on my feet.

I love you dad. Thanks for sticking by me, even when I am a pain in the ass (which is very often I might add).

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Happy Friday!!!

Dear Diary:

Happy Fuckin' Friday!!!

Well, technically it is not Friday yet, but, it is for me. I have a ton of vacation days that I need to take off, so I have consecutive four-day weekends ahead of me. I know Diary, you hate me right now.

But it isn't all fun and games. Tomorrow morning I get to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to go get my oil changed so that I am at the project house in time for the delivery of the hardwood floors and all the tile for the master bathroom. Then, I get to wait around for a little bit for an electrician, because the electrician that was working on the house apparently doesn't like cashing my checks and doesn't want to work (and we wonder what is wrong with the work ethic of many people around our country!).

The thing about finding an electrician is that all the work that needs to be done is now waiting on electrical work. If it takes longer to get this done, then the whole project is pushed back. Until the electrical is done, the walls cannot be put up. The floors have to be put up before the flooring is installed. Can you see the domino effect? So, in other words, I MUST get a damn electrician.

I am hoping to get most of my work done around 2:30. After that, I have a date with Girl 5 Friday night, which I am looking forward to. This is our third date actually, and I know I didn't write an update about the second date, but, then again, I have been a bit busy, so I will provide updates when I can.

The rest of the weekend I have more meetings with electricians, and also a date with Girl 6 sometime in the evening. Sunday and Monday are relaxation days.

Yes, I have a tough life I know.

On another note, I haven't been able to work out this week because somehow I royally screwed up my back. I woke up one day and my back was in serious pain. It's a bit odd actually, as it only hurts when I am sitting, but when I am standing, it is fine. However, I don't want to rick it and place undue stress on it, so I am taking it easy and just watching what I eat, and drink, which means no beer for me.

So obviously I am hoping my back feels better.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Goodbye Sunshine

Dear Diary:

I am in a weird frame of mind at the moment because I just had to force myself to be the bad guy because Sunshine didn't have the courage to tell me what I already knew. So, I had to tell her what she was feeling so that she wouldn't have to be the bad guy.

She hasn't said boo to me in a while, so I casually pointed that out. I told her that I could tell she didn't want to date me. That it was nice meeting her, and she was worth the risk in saying hello to.

She said this didn't feel great having to hear these things, and that she said she could see us as friends but nothing more.

I told her I would pass, since I already have plenty of friends. Then I said that I didn't know why she even joined our particular dating site if she was just looking for friends. Then I killed the conversation before she could say anything.

The End.

There was of course more said in that conversation, but the point is that I won't tolerate being made to feel like I am invisible. She was a coward who couldn't say what she had to say, so she just didn't talk to me so she could avoid it. All that did was piss me off, so I had to be the one to confront the situation and deal with it. And that is fine with me.

So sure, it hurts a little bit, but not because it's over, but because she treated me like I didn't exist when a few weeks ago we were making plans to go on trips and shit like that.

But such is life. The only difference here, and I can thank my divorce for teaching me this, is that I controlled and took ownership of the situation, and didn't let someone make that decision for me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

So It's Been 11 Days

Dear Diary:

It has been 11 days since my last entry. So, I thought I would take the time to update you on my life and what has been keeping me so busy that I have not had the time to write to you.

The House - The renovation project that I am working on has taken up a ton of my time. Between meeting with contractors, overseeing the progress, looking for appliances, cabinets, and everything else, I am shocked that I have a spare moment. Keep in mind that I am doing all of this while still working a job that I put in over 40 hours a week at, and well, you get the point. My weekends are spent taking care of stuff for the house, so as far as relaxing weekends go, I haven't had one in a while. But, the good news is that the project is coming along smoothly. After hitting a couple bumps in the road (such as the need to replace the entire fucking roof), things are going smoothly. All the major carpentry work will take place over the next two weeks. The heating system work has been done. The masonry work will be done in one week. About two weeks from now, the fixtures will start to be put in. So, what type of fixtures are we talking about exactly? Well, here is the short list"

Kitchen-all new cabinets, appliances, counter top, knobs, sink, etc.

Floors-all new hardwood flooring, about 1000 square feet of it.

Bath-custom built tile shower, new toilets and vanities for both the full bath and half bath, vent fans, etc.

Lighting-all new lighting throughout the house

Walls-all new drywall, and cleaning the exposed brick

Doors-new front door, new rear door, and a ton of new doors inside the house

I think you can get the picture from that little list. The house is a shell right now, and when it is done, the whole thing will be practically brand new. If you can think of everything that goes into a house, that is what I am looking at.

Dating - Dating is going well. Things with Sunshine have slowed down to the point that we haven't seen each other in a while, and we don't talk that much anymore, and I am fine with that. So, I am seeing other people.

I had a great date this weekend with a girl that I have been talking to for a while. And when I say great, I mean great. Everything felt so comfortable, it was almost weird. We met at a restaurant and had a couple beers before having dinner. The conversation was filled with a lot of laughter and just getting to know each other some more.

During dinner, she said something very quickly, almost like she was trying to see if I was paying attention. Let me try to replay what she said:

"Oh, I'm divorced, I think I told you that, but anyway.."

My reply: "Really? No, you didn't mention it. No big deal, likewise."

And that was all that was said about that. It was a completely freeing feeling. I no longer at some point have to explain to this girl that I am divorced. That has always been a bit of a tightrope to walk, because the reactions are varied. But with this one, Girl 5, its not an issue at all.

Pretty fuckin' sweet if you ask me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Now That I Am Not Frustrated

Dear Diary:

So a little more than a week has passed since my last entry, and there are a couple of things I wanted to point out.

First, I wrote that last one while completely and totally frustrated. Since then things with Sunshine have actually gotten better. And yes, we are still dating.

Secondly, I said I didn't respect a lot of the women I slept with, and I didn't. I can name seven that I actually did respect. Some now I respect more than others. Some I even still talk to.

The reason I was so utterly and completely frustrated had nothing to do with sex. It had to do with the sudden change from everything is going great and moving forward to a complete stop and reset. If you don't know why I was so frustrated, think back to what my mood may have been like in March of 2008, and then you will have your answer.

But all I did was read to much into something that was not really happening. Sunshine wasn't putting a stop to anything, she was just slowing things down to protect herself. We have gone out a few times since then, and have talked at length about things, about relationships, about us still dating. Quite frankly, I am in a better place as a result, and slowing things down was a good thing. This way we don't jump into anything and end up together because we feel we need to be, not because we want to be (if things were to go that route).

Now Diary, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I am wasting my time, and that I am looking for something to be there where it isn't. The only thing I could do to prove you wrong would be to give details of all our conversations, and that is something I am not going to do.

The fact is that I overreacted. After a week, dealing with contractors, my day job, and a ton of other shit, I have a greater sense of clarity.

And that is fine by me.

Monday, August 31, 2009

UNLOADING

Dear Diary:

Can you please slap me in the fucking head? Just do it right fucking now. If you haven't figured it out, I am fucking royally pissed off. Irate even. While apparently Sunshine thinks we have chemistry, she doesn't think we have passion. Her explanation of passion is not wanting to rip each other's clothes off every time we see each other and not being able to keep our hands off each other.

So, let me get this straight. I am myself, and treat a woman with respect, kindness, don't let her walk over me so I look like a chump, and we have a great time together. The kisses we shared was like making out like high school kids, and every single time we were together in either of our apartments we were cuddled up like it was supposed to be that way. She told me she loved waking up next to me and asked me to promise to always kiss her goodnight.

Yet, and I quote, "I'm just not sure I could see us sleeping together."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Let me get this straight. Like I said earlier, I have been able to fuck at will for about a year. I still have women that I have fucked asking me to fuck them again. I treat them like fuck toys, don't really respect them (well, I respected a few of them), and take what I want, and yet they want me to keep fucking them. I play the asshole card, or more of the boy next door who is a bit of an aloof dick, and get laid.

But I actually am myself, who is really just a guy with a big heart who doesn't like to see people hurt, and I am told there is no passion. What the absolute fuck does that mean?

Does that mean I should continue to go through life faking it and treating women like they are there for me to use as my own personal amusement park? If you ask me, that is a shitty way to live and I can't bring myself to do that anymore. I sowed my wild oats, had the random hook-ups, brought women back to their hotel rooms and fucked them senseless. I cannot do it anymore (well, unless she were smoking hot...nah, still can't).

I am myself, and last week, everything was going great, and then she puts up a fucking wall larger than Troy, and I am still sitting here waiting for her to make a decision that she will never make. And the decision has NOTHING to do with sex. It has to do with taking her wall down and just experiencing something.

Bullshit, fuck this, FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Why do I seem to attract women who are emotionally unavailable, or flat out mentally unbalanced?

Fuck this fuck it fuck it fuck it. If I wanted to play games, I would have joined a softball league.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ummm.....

Dear Diary:

Ok, confession time again. I am falling for the girl I am seeing.

Yeah, I know, you may be thinking a couple of things. For instance, you may be thinking, "I am so happy for you!" Or you may be thinking, "wow, I don't know what to say." Or you may be thinking, "that's great news!" Or you may be thinking, "be careful."

The problem is, as I found out last night, although (the following is her nickname only from now on) Sunshine says she wants to be with me, Sunshine is not ready to be with me.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I want to be with her. She is unlike anyone I have ever met. I look forward to seeing her, and when I can't see her I find myself missing her. So basically, I have no idea what to do right now.

I found out this little bit of information last night. Monday, we went to a movie and had dinner at her place, followed by a ton of kissing and cuddling and just looking into each other's eyes. Monday was a fantastic evening. Last night, not so much.

We play this game where we just ask each other questions. Somehow, last night the topic turned to sex and how she wasn't ready for that. I totally respect that and don't want to make her feel obligated to sleep with me, and told her such. However, she asked what if she was never ready to? Then what?

That statement lead to a downward spiral where she told me what I wrote above.

So what did I do? I ate. Dammit, I ate until my stomach was hurting. I had sandwiches and baked potatoes. Now, everyone knows that eating carbs late at night is not a good idea, but I couldn't help myself. I felt so fucking shitty.

I just do not see how someone can say that they want to be with you, see a very real future with you, and at the same time say that they are not ready to be with you. My brain cannot wrap itself around that because I see an inherent contradiction. If you want something, go for it. There is no reward if there is no risk.

Life is about taking chances and making choices. She said that her life is about choices, and she knows that they all have consequences.

Unfortunately, this choice doesn't involve just her. It involves me now too. And the choice is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do to fix anything or make it better. When she feels overwhelmed, she runs.

So I am stuck.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Trip Down Memory Lane, Sort Of

Dear Diary:

Sorry I didn't write to you sooner to update you about what I have been up to (ok seriously, why the fuck am I apologizing to a diary at this point, I created it!). I have been on the road for work the last week, and I was swamped like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway, the place I went to was the city I met my ex-wife in. It was the city she went to college, and the city she still has many friends in. It was the city were we first kissed. It was the city where I first told her I loved her. It was the city where I proposed to her.

But it is just a fucking city, and after 7pm, a boring one at that.

It was weird being in this town for the first time since my short lived marriage ended. To say it was surreal would be an understatement. I would wake up and grab coffee at the place I used to grab coffee when I would visit her and stay with her. I would grab a beer at one of the places I would frequent when I was in town when we were together. I had to drive past her old apartment building when traveling for work. I had to drive past the places we used to love to go to together.

They are just places.

There was one event that was going on that her and I went to the night we got engaged. That event was happening again, and I didn't feel like going. It wasn't so much that it wasn't fun, but more so because that part of me is history, and there is no point dwelling on the past. Besides, we went there because she wanted to, and honestly, the band that played is not my cup of tea. So I did other stuff, which included a lot of running. The city is a great city to run in, so I enjoyed the hell of out doing that, and even got my mileage up on more than one occasion.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that when you go through a divorce, the places that you used to frequent as a couple just become places again. They have no emotional tie unless you want them to. There is no point in not being able to enjoy them again as a single person because they are there to be enjoyed, so enjoy them.

And if somewhere along here I contradicted myself, screw it, it's early in the morning, I have a lot of laundry to do, and my morning coffee hasn't kicked in yet.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Now About That Dinner

Dear Diary:

I said I would give you an update about how the dinner I made for G3 went, and this is it: fantastic.

Oh, so you want more details? Fine, fine, I will give you some fucking details you big baby.

First of all, as I write this I am sitting in a hotel room since I am traveling for work and last week was swamped so I didn't get to write much. Also, G3 spent the night a couple times, and since I generally do my writing in the evening, well, I couldn't really get to it.

But anyways...

I burnt the fucking reduction. Everything else that I made came out great, but I burnt the damn reduction. I had it on very low heat just to warm, and when she came over we sat on the couch and just started talking, and before you knew it, my apartment smelled like burnt figs.

But everything else was perfect. The food was good. The conversation was good. The wine was good. The walk after dinner was good. And her spending the night was good. And no, we didn't, because I know that is what you are wondering.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

What's For Dinner?

Dear Diary:

Girl 3 (actually she is the only one now, I am not dating anyone else and I don't want to, but we will keep this nickname until I come up with another) is coming over for dinner tonight. She is on her way as I write, so I am making this short and sweet, and I will give you the details of how the night goes at a later date.

I am cooking her dinner tonight, so I decided to make something that is simple, easy, yet elegant at the same time. The menu is as follows:

Brie and bread for starters

Salad of mixed baby greens tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper, topped with crumbled goat cheese.

Lamb chops that have been marinating in garlic, rosemary, salt, pepper and olive oil for roughly a day now. These will be pan seared, and then broiled.

The chops, once done, will be drizzled with a reduction of red wine and figs, and those will be served over garlic and chive mashed potatoes.

For dessert, I have strawberry shortcake.

And for the wine, a nice bottle of Pinot Noir from Oregon.

That is my menu. One may think that this would take a while to do, but honestly, it is a piece of cake. The reduction is already done, and is just cooling. The potatoes are cooking. The bread is sliced and the brie is out so that it comes to room temperature. The garlic and chive and butter for the mashed potatoes are prepared, and all I need to do is cook it for a bit, then mix in. The salad takes about three minutes to put together. The strawberries are already sliced for dessert, and that takes seconds to put together. The lab chops will be cooked when she gets here, and will take no more than twenty minutes. While they are cooking, she can kick back, enjoy a glass of wine and some bread and cheese, and then we are good to go.

I just hope she isn't allergic to anything, because that would totally fucking suck if you ask me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Can't Think Of A Funny Title

Dear Diary:

It has been over a week since my last entry, and I am willing to do penance to atone for that fact. I have been thinking about what to write about, and have had the worst case of writer's block in my life, so, I have decided to write about absolutely nothing in particular.

In the past week, I have done a lot of running, a lot of sleeping, a lot of cleaning, and a lot of communicating. So, let's just sort of do a quick recap shall we?

Running - Running is fun, particularly in the summer heat of the DC metropolitan area (can you see the sarcasm oozing out of those words?). There is nothing like having a nice little run to the point your shirt is completely soaked through with sweat and your nipples have been rubbed raw because of the friction with said shirt. Fun times. However, I am finding it to be pretty relaxing, even though doing it outside in this heat and not on a treadmill is just a tad bit shy of complete and total misery. But, with no pain, there is no gain, and I am a glutton for punishment.

Sleeping - I have been completely and totally exhausted for about the last two weeks as life has gotten insanely busy. Between work, fixing up the new house that I am going to be living in, and dating, I have barely had time to do much of anything else. Case in point, this past Saturday I was barely home as I spent the entire day playing catch-up and taking care of shit I had to do, like making a trip to donate some stuff, and get new dress shirts, and run other mundane and (gasp!) grown-up errands. But why did I donate things?

Cleaning - I had to donate some items as a result of doing some cleaning. Why did I donate these things as a result of some cleaning? Well, because of fucking mice. I hate mice. They are filthy fucking creatures if you ask me. I was taking the trash out and as I lifted the bag, I heard a squeal, and out came a mouse from the garbage can. On the floor it went, and it went right under my foot as I stepped on it, but once I realized I did, quickly jerked my leg, and saw the little bastard run under the stove. So, having seen a mouse, I looked in the pantry, and where I was keeping various bowls and platters, there was mouse shit. Guess what stuff I donated? Thankfully none of it was expensive stuff. But, once it was donated, I cleaned the pantry. One would have thought I was a crazed banshee with the swiftness and thoroughness that said pantry was cleaned. Oh, and I also got glue traps to put near the garbage and pretty much anywhere else I could think of that the little bastard mouse might go running again. I can see PETA getting pissed at me for that, but fuck them. I have no sympathy for those disease carrying little shit leavers.

Dating - The dating world is great, and I continue to have the time of my life. Girl 3 and I have been getting along great, and I think there may be something very real there. She is a complete sweetheart, and I really do enjoy getting to know her more and spending time with her. She made me dinner last night, and she went all out. Lobster flown in from Maine, brownies, wine, hell, it was perfect. I am going to cook for her soon, and I do not know how I am going to top that. I may have to bring out the big guns of pan seared salmon over garlic mashed potatoes with a dill creme fraiche. Or maybe I will just crack open a bottle of Pinot Noir and figure out something that goes with that, maybe lamb chops with a red wine and fig reduction?

Decisions decisions.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Dating Game

Dear Diary:

First off, by now you should expect apologies when I don't update you for a while. However, between work being about as busy as a tornado, and fixing up the house, and dating, I have been swamped. So, I am giving myself a free pass whenever I don't update you with the adventures of my life. Honestly, I thought I bored you, but if I didn't, check back about once a week or so and you can see what I am up to.

But anyway....

So, like I said, I am dating. And you know what? I am having the time of my life. I never really dated prior to being married. I just sort of found myself in relationships. I have spoken to some people who were the same way, so, if you have trouble understanding it, just go with me.

Anyway, dating is fun. Like I said earlier, the online dating thing is panning out well so far. This weekend, I had dates with Girl 3 Friday and Saturday. Last weekend, Girl 2, and next weekend, Girl 4 possibly.

I am not feeling anything with Girl 2, so, that is going to come to an end. She is nice and all, but I just don't feel anything is there, and I don't want to spend weeks and months trying to find something that I think would cause a spark. So, I am going with my gut on this, and ending it.

Girl 3 is the one I have spent the most time with so far, and we are clicking very well. I haven't been able to really notice anything that I do not like about her. I really enjoy spending time with her, and our nights together this weekend were great. She is one of the more well rounded individuals I have ever met, has a great outlook on life, and is very attractive in my book. Her eyes are crystal blue, and I could honestly get lost in them. She is smart, funny, driven, compassionate, and always seems to look for the positive things in life. Oh, and she enjoys spending time with me as much as I do with her. She is full of life and laughter, and I dig her.

The funny thing is that I wasn't really planning on this. Sure, you always hope for the best when you put yourself out there like that, but I wasn't thinking that I would find someone that I would click with so suddenly. Now, I am not complaining that it happened, hell, I am happy it did. But not for the reasons that one would expect.

I am happy that it is happening because I know that no matter what happened in the past, it is just the past. I am fully capable of having feelings for someone, even though they may just be starting out, and it is too soon to tell if they will go anywhere. But, that being said, the light was not completely extinguished by my divorce. There remains a flicker, and it is getting brighter by the day.

--------

Now, for some irony. I have been matched with about ten women who have the same first name as my ex-wife. How the hell is that happening? I married one with that first name, and there will not be another. When I see that name before I see the pictures, I just cringe. Well, I mean honestly, it would be funny as fuck if my ex and I got set up through online dating, and I would laugh my ass off.

Secondly, Girl 4 has the same first name as the woman for whom my ex-wife's dad left her mom. I find that somewhat funny. Except this girl doesn't look like an anorexic meth addict. In fact, she is pretty hot, and the thought of being a lazy stay-at-home-do nothing-chain smoker probably doesn't appeal to her AT ALL.

Also, the ones that I have kissed, they kissed me first. Thank you equality movement!

Ok, now, back to doing a whole lot of nothing. I have barely had time to take a decent shit the last couple of, oh hell, months, and tonight, I am just going to chill. Word.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dating, Part Deux

Dear Diary:

So, as I had mentioned before I am exploring the world of online dating. I do have to say it is a bit intimidating. I basically put up some information about myself, threw up a couple of pictures of myself, and rolled the dice to see if anyone responds to me or seeks me out.

It's like torture, only without any physical scars (yet).

Now, as far as it is intimidating, it is also equally parts fun and exciting. These are women whom I would not have otherwise met. That is one downside of living in a metropolitan area. There are really great people out there, but the odds of you running into them and getting to know them are fairly small, if they exist at all. But, they are out there. Some of them in fact want the same things out of life as I do. Some of them are emotionally healthy. Some of them are cute even (although the really really really really hot one's seem to just pass on me, their loss).

So far, I have gone out with three different women, and I have another date tonight with someone new, and one more that wants to meet up. Here is a brief history:

Girl 1 - She was cute. She was also a smartass, and we could laugh at a lot of things. She also had mental issues, and when she drank, it was not pretty. Needless to say, we don't communicate anymore.

Girl 2 - She was funny, charming, cute, and we had a good conversation. I think I may get together with her some time this week, but nothing has been nailed down yet.

Girl 3 - She is my favorite by far so far. She is adorable, funny, and we seem to have a lot of the same things in common. She is also a Red Sox fan, which in my book is always a bonus. She went to school in the same city that I did, so we had a lot to talk about, and I enjoyed being with her. We are also going to try to get together again soon.

Girl 4 is tonight, and Girl 5 is later this week. There may be a Girl 6, and hell, there may even be a Girl 23. And of course that brings me down to my point. Dating is fun if you have no expectations. I think that if you go into the whole dating game looking for someone in particular (such as my future next ex-wife), you will get disappointed. I go into the whole thing with no expectations, and it has worked out well. It allows me to be more relaxed and be myself.

Now, as far as the myself that I am, I am well, me, except for one tiny bit of information. I do not disclose my divorce right away. I take the time to allow the woman I am with to get to know me. If after a time things are going well, that is when I will disclose the fact that I am divorced. I think they have a right to know (especially if things go very very well and I get engaged or something, since I have to bring the divorce decree to get a marriage license again, but that is jumping WAY ahead of myself). Like I said before, I am divorced, not damaged. If after I tell them these women bolt, then honestly, I think I dodged a bullet.

And that is all I have to say about that, for now...

Friday, July 3, 2009

Numbers

*Warning, the following may contain adult material*

Dear Diary:

Someone actually asked me not too long ago why I never wrote about my sexual adventures in Chapter 1 and I have been hesitant to write about them because some of the women I have slept with actually do know that I have this little project going on (yes I am an idiot, I already know, you do not need to tell me). But, I think I need to get this off my chest in order to just sort of face the fact that although I may be a good man, I have been a very very very fucking bad boy.

Since the end of May last year, I have slept with oh, shit, more than twenty different women. At least I think that is the number, because to be honest with you, I am having trouble keeping track these days. I do remember the first one I slept with after my ex. She was a chubby short girl from Hawaii who was in town for some type of conference and I fucked her in her hotel room.

Then, there was the college girl that I spent the better part of two months fucking. We would go at it all night, for like a week straight, until we could barely walk. We even made a game out of it one week counting the times we fucked and the number of orgasms she had during the course of a week. We hit about thirty times in six days, with her averaging four orgasms a pop, so you can do the math.

The fact is that after my ex-wife left, and when she told me that she enjoyed sex, just not with me, I apparently, subconsciously set out to prove to myself that I was indeed desirable. At one point, and this happened a few times actually, I would sleep with two different women within a twenty-four hour period. I needed to feel validated through sex because that was one major aspect of my former marriage that was lacking. Furthermore, the way it all played out was completely emasculating, so I needed to feel like a man again.

Now, the other side of that coin is pretty simple: I like to fuck. I like to eat pussy. Truth be told, I have gotten nothing but compliments in those departments too (well, except for one CRAZY bitch who wanted me to beat and punch and bloody her and pretty much torture the shit out of her while banging her, so she doesn't count). I found women that wanted me to fuck them. I am a guy, I have a penis, so what was I supposed to do? A fucking crossword puzzle?

Why am I telling you this? That is probably what you are wondering the most, right? Well, I am tired of sex without any real emotional connection. Honestly, it gets boring after a while. I mean shit, hell, the sex can be fucking fantastic, but in the end, I just feel bad on occasion. Now some of these women knew full well what the deal was, as far as having no strings attached fun, but, after a while, I still feel bad about it even though they may be fine with it. It feels as though I am being used, more so than me using them.

I am at the point where I want more, but I haven't been able to find that person to have that "more" with yet. It's like I am searching for something that I can't quite put my finger on. The only thing I do know is that I have not found it yet. The thing I fear now is that I have so compartmentalized sex that when I do find that woman, I am not going to be able to blend the emotional and physical together again.

That's kinda of sad really.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another Year On This Planet

Dear Diary:

This weekend I celebrated a birthday. Well, more like acknowledged a birthday because I really do not like celebrating mine. The only time I remember within the last decade that I was excited about my birthday was when I was married, but, since that is no longer the case, it is just another day to me.

When the clock struck midnight and my birthday had actually arrived, I was at a nice little dirty basement bar with a bunch of friends. We had gone there to meet up and have some beer. Now the place I went to was not the cleanest of places, but the beer list was, for lack of a better description, fucking amazing. Furthermore, the bar food that they served consisted mainly of good burgers and tater tots. I mean seriously, who doesn't like tater tots? I will tell you who. Communists. I bet those bastards hate them. Also, the place had fried pickles. All sexual innuendos involving pickles fly out the window when you are trying to eat those fuckers right out of a vat of oil. Talk about heat. But anyway....

So, the clock strikes midnight, and get to welcome in my birthday courtesy of a female friend giving me a bit of a lap dance, with of course all other friends taking pictures. Fun times. Unfortunately, that was the closest I got to getting any on this momentous day.

After the bar, I just went home and crashed. I was beat from the combination of the long night and the swamped week at work, and my bed was calling my name.

I woke up and it was a day just like any other, except it wasn't. I was a year older. Was I a year wiser? Eh, after last year, I probably am a decade wiser, but then again I can be an arrogant prick and think I know way more than I do, but, still, you get my point, I hope. The first thing I did on my birthday was what I did last year: got coffee. I mean, it was my birthday, so I was going to let someone else brew that pot for me.

That afternoon, AJ came over. She was wearing a nice blue dress that showed beautiful cleavage and looked absolutely radiant. She really was purely beautiful, and thankfully the brain on the top of my shoulders overruled the brain in my pants and I did not wrap her in my arms and plant on on her (but I wanted to!). She came bearing gifts too. She had gave me a candle, some spices, a stainless steel bar used to rub the garlic smell off one's hands, a plant, and she baked me a birthday cake. The birthday cake was what really got to me, as she had decorated it with little flags and pictures of things we have talked about over the last ten months or so. I almost cried because it was so unbelievably thoughtful.

We then went out to lunch, and talked, and she told me stories of her recent trip to the tropics. We then walked around a bit and just talked some, and then I showed her some new apartment buildings as she is thinking of moving. And then we went back to my place......and she went home.

That evening was spent over at my brother's place, grilling out and shooting the shit. Nothing too fancy and nothing too crazy. It was good to see him as we don't get to hang out much. I ate more grilled chicken than I probably should have, along with ton's of fattening stuff, but I will just work it off at the gym.

When I got home, I looked at the cake that AJ had made me, and honestly, I felt a bit sorry for myself. She had put candles on it, but there was no one there to watch me blow them out. I felt as if I was in a movie of some sort, where the lonely soul has no one to share anything with. So I lit the candles, and sang Happy Birthday to myself, and blew them out. I didn't make a wish because it seems as if anything that I actually want, or want to be a part of, blows up in my face at some point and I am left alone to pick up the pieces.

But the cake was good.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Movin' On Up...

Dear Diary:

Well, my self imposed hiatus from living in DC is going to come to an end by the end of the year, and I am about to tell you why. You could call me a spoiled shit after you hear me out, and honestly, I would tell you to kiss my ass. You may also call me an opportunist, and for that, you can kiss my ass as well.

You see, my dad gets bored sometimes, and when he gets bored, he buys things, mostly real estate, and cars. But he doesn't buy just any real estate. He buys the type that you have to fix up, and then he rents it, or lives in it, depending on his mood really. Well, since he lives a few thousand miles away, and since the DC housing market has shit the bed, there have been some really good deals.

This particular deal that we are closing on was a foreclosed property (hence the opportunist bit). Well, this is not just any foreclosed property. This place was trashed, so guess who gets to design the interior and all the bells and whistles that go with it? Yup, you guessed it, moi.

I am really looking forward to this little project because it is what I want to do when I have some cash and want to get into something different. I like the thought of renovating an old shell and breathing new life into it. This project is going to call for new flooring, kitchens, bathrooms, moving some walls, lighting, plumbing, and some electrical. Basically everything. New windows, doors, iron gates, stairs, railings, etc. And I get to pick out all the cool shit and make it nice.

So, once that is done, I get to move into the place. I will go from a one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom, one and a half bath practically brand new house with a yard, and off-street parking in the back. Oh, and of course the most important feature of all:

I GET TO HAVE A FUCKING GRILL!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

So.....

Dear Diary:

So, let's see. I wake up, work out, go to work, work my ass off, come home, cook, then pass out. Yes, this is my life.

I am writing this from the office at the moment as I take a little break because honestly at this point I cannot fit anything else in my fat fucking cranium. I am on Cup o' Joe #3 today, which is a nice freshly brewed 20oz from the cafeteria downstairs (it tastes like dirt, but eh, it's caffeinated). The last ten days have been an utter blur, and I really do have a lot to talk about. However, some of the subject matter is a bit more serious than others.

I am writing this little blurb to let you know that I have not forgotten and I will be back at a later date (think a couple of days depending on how busy I am) with a more detailed update of my divorced life. To touch on a couple of the things I plan on talking about, you can be assured to hear of some dating stories, some housing stories, some job stories, and just random bullshit as well. I might even throw in a couple confessionals about what I have done to keep myself occupied. Will it all be pretty? Nope. Will it all be funny? Nope. Will it all be boring? Well, I certainly hope not. Will it all be real? You can bet your sweet ass it will.

Now, you will have to excuse me as I get back to doing the stuff the man pays me for. I mean, bills don't pay themselves.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Weekend Update

Dear Diary:

For the last week or so I have had a bad case of writer's block. I cannot seem to put anything together that seems to make any sense, so this is why I have not keep you updated on what I have been doing lately. My brain has been a jumbled mess of random bullshit that is all over the place. I have been catching things from all angles at work, and although I am liking my new position immensely, it has proven to be challenging. But, there are some very very good things happening in my life at the moment that I thought I would tell you about briefly while I have a whole turkey breast in the oven roasting (why not right?).

Like I said, work has proven to be a challenge, and this is a good thing. I had gotten a bit set in my ways in me previous position, and I was having trouble coming up with new ideas to move the organization forward. However, now that I am once again being challenged, I am finding that the ideas are back to flowing out of my brain like beers flows at Oktoberfest. Everything seems as it should be at work, and I am loving every minute of it. I am also liking the fact that I got to move my desk near a window, and have ample space now for all my random shit. Yes, I am slowly but surely moving on up to the big desk. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Also, as I said earlier, I ventured out into the great unknown (at least to me) world of online dating. I am not going to tell you which site I signed up for, because well honestly, I don't expect to get any royalty checks or discounts from the place, and I would be biased, so, let's just say that it is a fairly respectable one (if any really exist that is). I went into the whole situation with an open mind, and I wasn't expecting to meet anyone right out of the gates, but, guess what happened?

Yup, I met someone. We seem to click pretty well. There is nothing but constant laughter, and, well, I think she is pretty damn hot. We have been out twice so far, with date number three happening tomorrow. And truth be told, I really couldn't be more optimistic than I am right now, and I am not talking about optimistic as far as a relationship.

I am talking about optimistic as far as everything. Listen, if after a few more dates, while we are in the still getting to know each other phase, things do not work out, that is ok. It won't break me. I will just move on to something else. If work becomes more than I can handle, I will ask my team to help me out. I will adapt, I will improvise, I will roll with the punches.

Isn't that what life is all about?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Oh For Fuck's Sake

Dear Diary:

Have you ever had a moment that reminded you of something and all of a sudden your mind was back in a place that you can only wish you would forget? Have you ever had a realization that you wished never happened so that you would not go through life knowing how that realization made you feel, nor how it affected you? Because I sure as shit have.

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend. On Saturday, I was taking a hike with AJ, and then we decided to hit the trail along the Potomac and it suddenly dawned on me that a year ago, this same weekend, my ex was in PA while she said the was at the beach, and then later house sitting in MD. When I later went through the bank statements when going through discovery, that is what I learned. And then it dawned on me.

How could she have lied like that? And then I got angry at myself. How could I have been such a fucking sucker not to have known what was going on? How the fuck could I have allowed anyone to treat me like that? Why the fuck didn't I find out who it was (if it was anyone, and I am pretty positive there was) and crack their fucking skull on the pavement? I mean, if there was another man (yup, pretty sure there was even though I have no proof and cheaters never admit they cheated), what type of fucking piece of lowlife human garbage goes after another person's spouse? How desperate for affection and attention does one have to be to go after another man's wife or another woman's husband?

All those bastards should be lined up against a wall and have to cut their own stomachs open and watch their intestines fall to the ground as far as I am concerned.

Ok, now that was pretty damn morbid wasn't it? Anyhow, that was Saturday.

Sunday was spent for the most part at a BBQ out at my friends' place near Annapolis. A bunch of us got together and just grilled and drank and talked. Aside from one other, everyone else was married. One couple has a baby and one is expecting. Of course, that made me think of where I could have been in my life had I not gotten a divorce, and I felt a bit lonely. So, when I got home, I did what many people who work a lot and have trouble meeting someone that clicks (because let's be honest, you can meet a lot of people at bars, but can you really get to know a person after they are already half in the bag), I pulled the trigger and joined a dating site.

Divorced and Dating 2.0 here I come.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Year 2

Dear Diary:

Ok, so, I know once again I am slacking big time. My last entry was about oh, what, 13 days ago? I mean, it's not like anyone was counting, right?

But anyway. The truth is, for the last three weeks or so I have been so unbelievably busy with work that I have not had time to do much else. This is a bit unfortunate, as I hit a couple of major milestones in my life (or they are major to me anyway). So, let's get down to the good stuff.

First of all, today is Day 2, Year 2, post ex. May 20th of last year was D-Day (Decision Day). I have made two days past one full year being out of a relationship with my ex-wife. Time has really flown by. I did realize that it had been a year the other day, but I was so busy with other shit flying around that I didn't have time to really write anything about it.

I cannot believe it has been one year already. So much has changed in my life in what seems like a relatively short period of time. It's almost amazing when you think about it. One year ago, or really a little over a year ago, I was a married homeowner, unfortunately blind to what was about to happen. I was so far removed from where I am now it almost seems like a cruel joke. If only I could go back in time and give some words of wisdom to the man I was then from the man I am now, maybe I wouldn't have been such a mess. But, I can't. I think the emotional wave was a good thing for me as I learned a lot about myself these past twelve months.

Also, yesterday, I got a major promotion, one which could possibly net me at least a $10,000 raise, if not more, if I am lucky. As I drove home yesterday, I realized that although I shared this news with some friends, I didn't have anyone who I loved to share the news with, and that made me a little lonely. But, on the bright side, I should be able to pay off my debt sooner than I had anticipated, and this is definitely a good thing. Furthermore, I can turn the new title and new responsibility into a nice job when I finally do decide to switch careers. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity and the challenges that will come with it.

And on that note, it's back to work I go.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Is This Funny Or Sad?

Dear Diary:

Today is May 9th. Three days ago would have been my third anniversary. And I did not realize this until last night. Typical guy right ladies?

Seriously though, the thought of my anniversary didn't even cross my mind. I guess I have been so busy dealing with stuff in the real world with work and paying bills (I just forked over part of my liver to my lawyer), that I just really wasn't paying any attention to the day.

I am not sure at this point whether that is funny, or incredibly sad. Unfortunately, once I did remember, I started remembering.

I mind wandered back to how much life has changed for me over the last year. I am divorced. I live alone. I come home to an apartment that I decorated myself, and I cook for myself. I wake up and go to the gym and go to work. I come home, and really do nothing. Yes, my life is incredibly boring.

But then I started to think about all the people that I have met over the last year that I would not have otherwise met had I not gone through this crucible. For that I feel fortunate as my life has become richer having those new people in my life.

I could name a few, but, should they stumble upon this, they may get embarrassed, so I will not name names. Ok, I am an ass, I will name names (not their real names obviously, I am not that much of an ass).

There is my Z, who wakes me up every morning with an inspiring hello.

There is Kelly, who is always there to listen.

There is Frank, who can bullshit, but be serious, and still have a good time, with the best of them.

And then of course there is AJ. I am still only friends with AJ, even though we tease and flirt, we are nothing more. Yup, I am still stuck in the "friends zone." Sucks to be me in this situation, trust me on that one.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ok Ok

Dear Diary:

Forgive me Diary, for I have sinned. It has been well over a week since my last entry.

Ahh fuck it.

Ok, as a warning to all who may stumble upon this, I have had a couple of beers tonight. Well, maybe more like 8, but who is counting really?

Secondly, I am a bit annoyed. I really do not know why, but I am annoyed nonetheless.

Now, there is a good reason why I have not written anything recently. Honestly, I have been working my fucking ass off and I do not want to hear it that I have some sort of responsibility to update you about my daily life on a day by day basis (ok, I probably do, but like I said, I have been drinking).

Anyway, the subject that I wanted to tell you about before that I have been putting off has to do with me. And it has to do with something that some may not really grasp because they see another side of me.

I am shy, I mean really shy.

This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I moved around a lot as a kid. It seemed as though I was in a new school about every three years, and it was difficult having to make friends over and over and over again, so I withdrew into myself because it was the only place I really ever felt safe. And this has proven to be the absolute hardest thing for me to overcome.

Now don't get me wrong, in small groups, with people that I know and am comfortable with, I do just fine. But, put me in a large group by myself and have me fend for myself and I am the guy that ends up in the corner of the room sipping his drink and watching people.

I think that is why this exercise is a bit healthy (or it may be detrimental, too early to tell). In this type of forum, my mind can roam free, without the need to censor myself and I can just let loose.

When my father told a good friend of mine that I was getting married, my buddy seemed shocked, and told my dad that he never thought it would happen because he thought I would never go out and actually find someone.

Kind of says a lot about me doesn't it?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sorry

Dear Diary:

I know it has been a little over a week since I last spoke to you, and I know that I gave you an assurance that I would speak to you very often, and for that, I am sorry.

Ok, well maybe not totally sorry, I mean hell, I have been busy. I mean really busy.

Work has been an absolute nightmare lately. Things are flying at light speed around me, and it is hard to just to try to keep my head above water at times, but I am managing. I have seen a couple of different job opportunities open up, so I am going to put some feelers out and see what comes out of it. The worst they can tell me is that they are not interested, but I will not know unless I try.

As far as my personal life, I have decided to focus on my friendships and not worry about dating for a while. Is it lonely at times? Sure it is, but, it's what I have to do I guess. AJ suggested I join an online dating site to really slowly get back in the game, and I am thinking about it, but really nervous about it for some reason. I will right out the reason to that in another entry, and I promise that it will not take a week before I update this again.

As far as my finances, let's just say that I am thrilled that I get paid in a couple of days, because I am about tapped out. The trip home to New England cost me quite a bit, and even though it was worth every single penny, I am not finding myself having to dip further into my savings to be able to pay off my lawyer. Speaking of that, I should get my next bill any day now....