2009: A Year In Review

Dear Diary:

I sit here on the verge of a new year. As such, I thought I would look back and see what I accomplished, if anything, during 2009. And, I am taking a shortcut by using the letter I wrote to myself almost one year ago (it will be a year tomorrow) to see how I measured up. The original letter is as follows, and can be found in Chapter 1. Comments will be in bold italics. And here we go............

Hey You,

Welcome to the first year of the rest of your life. Your life as you knew it is over. Deal with it, move forward, forgive but never forget. Jesus I was a harsh motherfucker wasn't I?

Why do I tell you never to forget? I tell you this because for you to forget would mean for you to forget all the lessons that you have learned. You should never forget those lessons. You should not forget how the words and actions of X2B made you feel. Not so much so that you can dwell on them, but so that you can realize that they were just words and actions of a broken human being who was using you to make herself feel better. You deserve more, and in this upcoming year, maybe you will even find it. However, don't be a sorry sack of shit feeling bad about yourself if you don't. You are a prize, and any woman would be lucky to call you her partner. You are loyal and thoughtful, you are kind and sincere. You are a rock, and one day a woman will have the key to your heart, but do not go giving it away freely. Words to live by really. It is an amazing thing confidence will do to a person. And I can say that I have it. Some call it cockiness, but it isn't. To me, cockiness is just spouting off at the mouth. Confidence is knowing that you can back your shit up.

Yes, you had a bad 2008, but you are still alive. You have come so far from where you were in March. Remember the nights out drinking so that you could forget and dull the pain? Yes, those are gone. Remember the constant crying because you could not believe what was happening to you? Yes, those are gone as well. Remember doubting yourself everyday, thinking that there was something inherently wrong with you because you felt that no one really loved you? Those are gone because you have come to the realization in 2009 that you must love yourself first, and then everything has a way of falling into place. Word. Yup, no more crying, and no more feeling sorry for myself. And amazingly, things have fallen into place better than I could have possibly dreamed them.

Now, look at what you accomplished in 2009. You quit dipping. Yes, I know that it wasn't easy, but it was time. Not to mention no woman really wants to kiss a guy with worm dirt in his mouth. And look at it this way, by quitting dipping, you saved $1,750 this year on just not buying tobacco products. You were able to bank that money and help yourself pay down the large debt that you incurred to get the divorce finished. So hats off to you buddy, that was a major step. Um, yeah, about that. No, I didn't quit dipping. Yes, I know it is a fucking disgusting habit, and yes I know women do not find it attractive, and blah blah blah. It's not easy to quit. However, I will say that the more time I spend with any woman I am dating, the less I do it, and there have been times that I have gone considerable amounts of time without one. But then I get bored, and I do it again. I also don't want to consider how much money I have spent in the last year on it, but I imagine it is somewhere in the ballpark of $1,500. So, I am quitting, next year. I swear (psst, I have good reason to that doesn't just involve my health).

You also got to know who you really are as a human being and as a man. You know who you are and what you want, and I think at this point (if you were lucky enough, because let's face it, you need to be lucky in this one) you might have even met a woman who you want to be with for the long haul. I don't tell you this because you might actually have her in your physical presence, but more because you know now, without a shadow of a doubt, in your heart and in your mind what type of woman you want to be with. And that is important. Yup, learned all it. Damn I am, as I would say in a Bostonian accent, WICKED SMAHHT.

Also, look at you now you sexy beast. You made it a point to get off your ass, stop eating everything that tasted good that wasn't good for you (well, you did have some cravings that you gave into, but since it wasn't every day, you get a pass), you lost weight, got toned, and are healthy. No more not shopping at stores like J Crew and Banana Republic because the clothes they have do not fit you. No more feeling sorry about your appearance. Fuck, no more feeling sorry about yourself. Did it take a while to do it? Yes, but all your hard work paid off now didn't it? I am pretty proud of you (or is it proud of me?) that you did this for yourself and you did it on your own. Did you have some inspiration, yes, and you know who that was because you want her badly, but don't get too ahead of yourself there sport. Inspiration is good, but you didn't get all weird and shit, so high five to that. I mean, don't you feel better about yourself when you go to the beach and take off your shirt? Yeah, I know, you are still hairy, and the back wax was not the most comfortable thing in the world, but shit, you look good, enjoy it. The tan looks good on you. Ok, so this didn't exactly plan out the way I had hoped. I got so busy with dating, and working on the house, and my regular job, that I barely had time to sleep, eat, and shit, much less work out on a daily basis. However, I was running up to 3 miles a day, and that was quite an accomplishment. Furthermore, I was lifting weights like a crack fiend and put on a considerable amount of muscle mass, so, I am more toned, and it has improved my overall attitude toward my body, but there is more work to be done. And I think I will be finished by October 2010.

Now, was 2009 a challenging year? Of course it was. You were trying to find your place in this world, and everything was in essence new to you. That was ok, and there was nothing wrong with that. You had some tough choices to make, but you felt good about the decision making process that ultimately led you to make your decisions. You always knew that life wasn't perfect, that there would be challenges, but one of the things that you learned the most this past year was that those challenges are not the end of the world. Things did get better with time. You are a happier and more emotionally healthier person you were during 2008, and that is a grand accomplishment. Fuck yeah it is, and fuck yeah I am!

You also stopped being a pansy ass and stood up for yourself, what you believed in, what was important to you, and who was important to you. You have always been a shy man, and there is nothing wrong with that, but in 2009 you came out of your shell and let the world in. Little did you know just how much you were going to let the world in, but you are where you are now and your life is fuller and richer for it. This is true as well, and I did just that. I definitely did some things that I normally wouldn't have done, and I can say that both my personal and professional lives are better for it.

Now, I really do not know what else to tell you other than I am proud of you. There are obviously things I am not telling you now because you don't need to be told some things for they are better off left to the imagination and discovery. Call me an asshole for that if you will (you'd be calling yourself one idiot), but such is life. There is no road map to it, so there are just some things that you are going to have to figure out for yourself. Fuck this bullshit, I want a road map! Particularly when it comes to dating (which by the way, I am having a ball with).

Now, stop reading me. You are in Hawaii and that beautiful brunette you have waiting for you to go down to the beach and kiss to a new year is waiting for you, and trust me, you do not want to keep her waiting. 2009 was good, 2010 is going to be even better. (Hey, I can hope for you that this happens while you read this, I mean, I am you, and I can dream just as well as you can). Ok, so I am not in Hawaii. In fact, I am back in DC. But, tomorrow night, when 2010 rolls around, I will indeed be kissing in the new year with a beautiful brunette. 2009 was a good year. If 2010 is any better, and all signs are pointing toward it, then life is indeed, good. In fact, life is very good.

Signed,

Yourself

Stay tuned, my next letter to myself comes tomorrow....

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow......

Dear Diary:

So, this weekend, the skies will open and take a gigantic snow filled shit right on top of the greater DC metropolitan area. This is both good, and bad, at the same time. Let's get the bad stuff out of the way first, shall we?

This area is filled with, and I mean chock full of, people who lose their fucking minds when they see snowflakes. It's frozen water people, not fire and brimstone! When this area gets more than a dusting (ok, even when it just gets a dusting), people suddenly, and inexplicably, think the world is coming to an end, and forget everything they have ever learned, particularly how to drive.

There are few things in the world more annoying to me, well, ok, nothing is more annoying to me, than people who cannot drive. I really learned how to drive in Boston, where there are two speeds: Move, and Get The Fuck Out Of My Way. But in Boston, they are responsible about it. They do not drive like they holding in explosive diarrhea during a snowstorm. But noooooooo, not in DC.

When it snows, people forget that cars can actually move forward. However, they also forget that driving 90mph with slick roads is a bad idea, as well as driving 30mph on the highway. For this reason, I am convinced the DC metropolitan area has the absolute worst drivers in the fucking country. Normally, I would advise people just to stay home, but wouldn't you know, some of them actually do.

But, before they do, they go to the grocery store and stock up 3 months worth of food like they were going to live in a bomb shelter as they waited for the Angel of Death to pass over them. There is something also frustrating about walking into a grocery store and instead of finding the loaf of bread that you wanted so you could make grilled cheese and tomato soup because it's warm and pleasant on a cold snowy day, you run into a Communist era food shortage. Ladies and gentleman of the DC metropolitan area, here is a tip for you: you, your spouse, your two kids, and your annoying little rat fuck of a toy poodle cannot possibly go through 36 gallons of water, 25 loaves of bread, and 90 rolls of toilet paper in 3 days. So please, save me a loaf of bread, and while your at it, some coffee. Oh, and at least a roll of toilet paper, the soft kind please. Is that too much to ask?

Now, on to the good things: Girl 7, a nice warm dinner, lying on the couch together, and watching the snow fall.

Morning

Dear Diary:

For me, there is something very tender about waking up next to a woman for the very first time.

There is something very warm about the feeling of her bare skin against my chest as I wrap my arms around her after hitting snooze on the alarm clock. The feel of her hand at it traces my arm, and her face nuzzled into my neck, feeling her breath on me as I smell her hair.

Then of course there is that first morning kiss where you keep your lips closed because you both know you have morning breath and don't want to gross each other out.

It's a wonderful feeling really.

And I am sure you wondering what prompted this as I have not written in a while. Well, things with Girl 7 are going very well. We are getting along great, and enjoying spending time together. This past weekend, we met up on Saturday and walked around the city for a bit, checking out all the holiday decorations and such. Then we went back to her place to make dinner and watch a movie.

And then we made out like fucking teenagers. For like, oh hell, hours. And then she suggested that we move to her bedroom, because you know, a bed is more comfortable than a couch. And then she suggested that I should just spend the night.

And that is what I did. I slept with her, literally.

Now, from past experiences that I have mentioned, you might be surprised that we didn't do what you may think we did. But the truth is we didn't that night.

The other truth is that I slept there two nights in a row, and on the second night, what you think might have happened didn't happen either. And that was fine by me, because I got to wake up next to her two days in a row.

45 Minutes

Dear Diary:

I saw Girl 7 again on Friday night. I think this was the 4th date if I have my math right (and if I can't count to 4, I have a serious problem).

I picked her up at her place. Now that I am living in DC, I have to battle the rush hour traffic, but surprisingly enough, there was none on a Friday night. I managed to gun it practically the entire way there, and the only time I had to stop was because of traffic lights. I will gladly accept that this may have been a good omen.

This was the first date after our first kiss. When I picked her up, we didn't hug, or kiss, or even shake hands. I am finding that the date after the first kiss is comical, or at least the beginning is, because it's like no one knows how they are supposed to react. So anyway, I being the gentleman (hard to believe right?) that I am, opened the car door for her, and off we went.

We went to check out National Harbor. They have this huge Christmas thing going on, with lights, decorations, a tree that has a light show, and even people dressed up as elves and shit doing a live stage show outside (in the cold, and they look like idiots but the little kids like them).

Now, I like National Harbor. It isn't a bad place at all, and once more people actually go there, it will be a great place to hang out. The only downside is that there are not many places to eat and drink. For instance, we went to some place that had good old American food, and a mechanical bull you could ride if you wanted everyone to clap and laugh at you, and the wait was an hour. So, we went across the street, and the wait was an hour. Apparently you need a reservation to get a club sandwich.

So, we went back across the river. We walked around a bit, and then found a place to eat that seemed cozy and quiet. Now, Girl 7 is my height, so of course we were seated a way that had me in a short chair and her on a high bench. Because that is obviously the thing to do so that I look like a midget and she looks like a giant. Needless to say, we got a good laugh out of it.

Anyway, I know I am rambling, but we walked around and then I brought her home, and she invited me in and we talked a bit and she made a dessert that she had brought home from her trip home for Thanksgiving and it was buttery, sugary goodness. Then we stood next to each other, not saying a word. So I did what I wanted to do all night.

I pulled her close and kissed her, and as we stood, we kissed, for roughly 45 minutes. We just stood there, kissing, and occasionally laughing, but for the most part we kissed. It was tender, passionate, pleasurable, warm, seductive, and hell, it was everything it could have and should have been.

I see her again Tuesday.

On another note, I am dead tired from working on my house, and I just want the damn thing finished. I sealed brick all weekend, ran errands, got a stainless steel table to use and in island in the kitchen (it looks kick ass by the way), and barely had time to breath. But I want to get it all done, and as soon as possible.

So I can invite Girl 7 over for dinner.

One Year

Dear Diary:

Roughly a year ago I moved into an 800+ square foot apartment. Yesterday I turned in my keys.

That apartment served me well. If you can believe it, it was the very first apartment that I had rented on my own. Prior to that point I had rented places owned by my family or, with my ex-wife, had owned property.

That apartment was a first for a lot of reasons. Although my friend Kelly was the property manager, I still had to apply and fill out all the paperwork. I still had to pay rent. I still had to set up utilities in my name. I paid for the moving company. I did it on my own. I look at that apartment as a proving ground for my independence.

A year ago, I remember crying the first night I slept in that apartment because I could simply not believe that my life had turned out the way it did. My marriage was destroyed and had a one way ticket to divorce. My home was gone. I was broke and barely making it. And even though I had a new bunch of friends as well as all of my old ones, I had never felt so fucking alone in my life.

But I had learned to love that place and all the lessons that it taught me about myself. I spent a lot of time writing those first few months I was in that place and I think the completely different scenery did me well. I can remember two of my oldest friends visiting once or twice and my dads only saw the place twice. My brother only saw the place once. Other than that it was pretty much myself, my thoughts, and my work (with the occasional visit from Kelly or a female guest....).

Now I am lying in bed in my new place. Sure its needs a lot of work (finished stairs, paint, bricked sealed, banister, shower door custom built, etc) but I am looking forward to making this place my home for the next few years. The ironic thing is that once the mortgage kicks in it will cost me less to own this house than it did for me to rent last year.

And although I am on my own, I am in a much better place both emotionally and financially that I was a year ago, and for that I pat myself on the back, as well as thank all the good fucking luck I had the last year.

So to my old apartment I say I will miss you, but I will not miss sitting in fucking traffic for an hour every morning on they way to work. That there was some bullshit.

Um, What Was I?? Oh Yeah!

Dear Diary:

You know, it is amazing the things we forget and the things we remember.

I remember my third birthday. I had a cake with white frosting and blue and yellow flowers. We ate it and celebrated in my grandparents' back yard near their pool.

I remember my first bike. My dad bought it for me. It was a Huffy. It was black. I got it when I was about 5 and it served me well for years. I also remember cracking my head open on a stone ledge when the training wheels got stuck in a crack on the sidewalk.

I remember playing in the mud and making mud pies the post holes that were dug in my back yard when my dad and his friend built a wooden fence. I was about 3 or 4.

I remember my second grade teacher because I thought she looked like a real live witch.

I remember going to the horse track with my grandfather to watch the horses train early in the morning. I also remember fishing with him and my baby brother. And waking up to him making honey roasted peanuts in the morning. It was when I was 3 through 5.

I remember my first kiss. I remember how to spell the last name of my best friend when I was in the fourth grade. I remember when I became the fat kid. I remember moving around a lot growing up.

I remember the first time I met my best friend. It was 8th grade during football practice

I remember how my ex-wife smelled the day I proposed to her. I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I remember the first time I told her I loved her.

I remember her laughing as we took each others clothes off because we were having a great time and were so happy to see each other after a month while I stayed in a hotel while she was still in college.

And I remember how she looked at me like something was bothering her when we went to sleep the night she came home from a business trip and everything went downhill from there.

So why couldn't I remember one of the most important things in the world, simple fucking coffee filters, when I made a trip to my apartment to pick up my coffee maker?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and if there isn't a coffee shop open, I am going to be one annoyed human being.

Silence

Dear Diary:

I am convinced there are two types of people in the world: those that enjoy silence and those that are annoyed by it.

I enjoy silence. As I write this (another mobile installment, so you know the rules) I am sitting on my couch in a completely quiet house.

It is raining outside. The only sounds I hear are of the rain drops hitting the pavement and the sound of the random cars driving past the front of my house on the slick road. There is the random creak of the house and nothing else.

I have no cable. I have no Internet. I have no music because the docking station is still packed while my crew continues to work. There is nothing except the sound of silence, with the occasional aforementioned disruption.

It is peaceful.

I enjoy the silence. It allows me to be at one with my thoughts. This is a silence I cherish.

There is another type of silence, but one where words are communicated without ever saying them. This is the silence when you look into a lover's eyes and the look says everything you want to say for you. I cherish this silence as well. It is also the silence I miss on occasion.

Right now I will settle for the rain.